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Family of Origin
Brother (in spirit) has shut me out
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 744177" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I understand your use of the word abandonment, because this is how it feels to you. But could your friend feel it to be self-preservation? That he cannot go there with you. Could he see and feel there is a boundary that he cannot cross and maintain his own integrity, and by that, I mean integrity in the greater sense, his integral self.Some people do this out of weakness; others from strength. The former do not feel they have the personal resources, the communication skills, the boundaries, to deal. They feel they may break apart, or lose themselves in certain interpersonal situations. Or this friend may feel that given the level of conflict you expressed and experienced in relationship to your wife, he could not go through again or chose not to. If he has been with you through several ups and downs, when wife was abusive, he may feel he cannot bear it again. That he cannot bear it for you that you go through it.<span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I read recently that each of us has a certain characteristic style of dealing with overwhelm: fight, flight or freeze. I flee. Maybe your friend does too. I have a friendship of near 40 years, too. And I just ended a 9 year "break" which I initiated. I am certain that this hurt my friend, but I did not feel I had a way to work it out with her. I took me 9 years to find the words to explain. When it did it just took one sentence. This friend knows that this is what I do. I have done this all my adult life. And when things get really too much, I go live in another country. </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am not saying this is right. I am saying that it may have less to do with you and more to do with how your friend handles problems (or runs from them.)</span></span></p><p></p><p>To me these things are different than abandoning you. This could be as much the setting of a boundary for his self-preservation, as anything else. In this near half century friendship that you and he have both maintained and treasured over the years,I hear friendship and love and sadness, not abandonment. I guess I believe that friendship, even love, has conditions. We are always limited by our personal weaknesses, and those of others.</p><p></p><p>You know, I am thinking about our children here, who often describe our setting a limit as our abandoning them. Of course it feels this way to them. But we set these limits because we cannot follow them to places where they hurt themselves, or where we cannot protect ourselves and our own emotions. Could this be the case, here too?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 744177, member: 18958"] I understand your use of the word abandonment, because this is how it feels to you. But could your friend feel it to be self-preservation? That he cannot go there with you. Could he see and feel there is a boundary that he cannot cross and maintain his own integrity, and by that, I mean integrity in the greater sense, his integral self.[FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)][/COLOR][/FONT]Some people do this out of weakness; others from strength. The former do not feel they have the personal resources, the communication skills, the boundaries, to deal. They feel they may break apart, or lose themselves in certain interpersonal situations. Or this friend may feel that given the level of conflict you expressed and experienced in relationship to your wife, he could not go through again or chose not to. If he has been with you through several ups and downs, when wife was abusive, he may feel he cannot bear it again. That he cannot bear it for you that you go through it.[FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I read recently that each of us has a certain characteristic style of dealing with overwhelm: fight, flight or freeze. I flee. Maybe your friend does too. I have a friendship of near 40 years, too. And I just ended a 9 year "break" which I initiated. I am certain that this hurt my friend, but I did not feel I had a way to work it out with her. I took me 9 years to find the words to explain. When it did it just took one sentence. This friend knows that this is what I do. I have done this all my adult life. And when things get really too much, I go live in another country. [/COLOR][/FONT] [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] I am not saying this is right. I am saying that it may have less to do with you and more to do with how your friend handles problems (or runs from them.)[/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] To me these things are different than abandoning you. This could be as much the setting of a boundary for his self-preservation, as anything else. In this near half century friendship that you and he have both maintained and treasured over the years,I hear friendship and love and sadness, not abandonment. I guess I believe that friendship, even love, has conditions. We are always limited by our personal weaknesses, and those of others. You know, I am thinking about our children here, who often describe our setting a limit as our abandoning them. Of course it feels this way to them. But we set these limits because we cannot follow them to places where they hurt themselves, or where we cannot protect ourselves and our own emotions. Could this be the case, here too? [/QUOTE]
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