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Brother not my child
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 754388" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>Hi Barbara,</p><p>As a recovering alcoholic who has been sober in AA for 28 years, I can tell you that I know you are hurting, and that your brother's drinking has deeply affected you.</p><p></p><p>I can also tell you that your brother is not bad. He is sick. Alcohol is not his problem. It is his solution. His problem is his relationship to himself and how he feels about himself. His problem is the disease of alcoholism that plays out through cognitive distortions (Google them). He drinks because that is what alcoholics do. If he knew how to stop, he would. He knows it's killing him. </p><p></p><p>Because you are approaching this with a logical mind, confronting him with the bottles and with the fact that he is drinking seems reasonable to you. But to the alcoholic, it is not. He doesn't think the way "normal folks" do . He is employing a coping skills called denial because he is terrified what he will feel if he does not drink. There is nothing you can say to him he has not told himself. He is deeply steeped in shame about his coping mechanism drinking. He has most likely experienced trauma in his life, and his limbic system has kicked in to deal with the trauma in (unhealthy) ways .</p><p></p><p>Having explained all that for your better understanding of the situation, this situation ultimately is about you: to get the focus off your brother and onto yourself. It doesn't sound like it, but that is actually all you can do for him and the best you can do for him. You can learn how in Al-Anon meetings like Busy mentioned in her post to you .I want to strongly recommend Al-Anon to you . When you take care of yourself, the alcoholic has a chance to start taking care of himself.</p><p></p><p>To that end, the remedy for his shame is compassion. The remedy for his situation is encouragement and understanding. Don't catch him in his alcoholism anymore. Just let it be, and treat him like you would any healthy adult: expect him to be responsible for himself. Don't do anything for him he can do for himself or should be able to do for himself as an adult. </p><p></p><p>The only person who might get through to him is another alcoholic but only if and when he is ready. So the next time he feels low and perhaps brings up to you that he feels bad about drinking or facing the consequences of his drinking, that would be a moment to bring up AA - maybe hand him the local help line number for your area. Tell him that you can't help him but that these people might and give him the number. AA will know how to handle it when he calls . He knows about AA, the seed has been planted. Only mention it to him once when he is down and out, and then let it settle within him. Have no expectations that he call. Just take care of you. Pray for him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 754388, member: 24254"] Hi Barbara, As a recovering alcoholic who has been sober in AA for 28 years, I can tell you that I know you are hurting, and that your brother's drinking has deeply affected you. I can also tell you that your brother is not bad. He is sick. Alcohol is not his problem. It is his solution. His problem is his relationship to himself and how he feels about himself. His problem is the disease of alcoholism that plays out through cognitive distortions (Google them). He drinks because that is what alcoholics do. If he knew how to stop, he would. He knows it's killing him. Because you are approaching this with a logical mind, confronting him with the bottles and with the fact that he is drinking seems reasonable to you. But to the alcoholic, it is not. He doesn't think the way "normal folks" do . He is employing a coping skills called denial because he is terrified what he will feel if he does not drink. There is nothing you can say to him he has not told himself. He is deeply steeped in shame about his coping mechanism drinking. He has most likely experienced trauma in his life, and his limbic system has kicked in to deal with the trauma in (unhealthy) ways . Having explained all that for your better understanding of the situation, this situation ultimately is about you: to get the focus off your brother and onto yourself. It doesn't sound like it, but that is actually all you can do for him and the best you can do for him. You can learn how in Al-Anon meetings like Busy mentioned in her post to you .I want to strongly recommend Al-Anon to you . When you take care of yourself, the alcoholic has a chance to start taking care of himself. To that end, the remedy for his shame is compassion. The remedy for his situation is encouragement and understanding. Don't catch him in his alcoholism anymore. Just let it be, and treat him like you would any healthy adult: expect him to be responsible for himself. Don't do anything for him he can do for himself or should be able to do for himself as an adult. The only person who might get through to him is another alcoholic but only if and when he is ready. So the next time he feels low and perhaps brings up to you that he feels bad about drinking or facing the consequences of his drinking, that would be a moment to bring up AA - maybe hand him the local help line number for your area. Tell him that you can't help him but that these people might and give him the number. AA will know how to handle it when he calls . He knows about AA, the seed has been planted. Only mention it to him once when he is down and out, and then let it settle within him. Have no expectations that he call. Just take care of you. Pray for him. [/QUOTE]
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