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Calm now. Another, last vent
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 731220" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>One of many videos about Scapegoating and dysfunctional family dynamics. There are tons and worthy of listening to if this is you. Don't be me, scapegoated most of my life by my family of origin. It luckily did NOT ruin my life, but it could have and it could ruin yours. Learn why you are scapegoated, think about if you want to be or if you need to leave, find a family of choice who loves you, don't try to talk your toxic family into thinking you are a good person. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, but you will never talk your scapegoating family into accepting it. Scapegoats are often the most aware of all the children and most apt to call out the narc on her B.S. That's not a bad thing. It takes strength!</p><p></p><p>In my family dad was a Narcicist but not interested in family and never home so hehwas almost a nonfactor. He a was abused by my borderline mother. My siblings would say he abused her. I disagree. She belittled him like she did me but he got crazy sometimes too. Mother said just the right thing to press buttons but Dad was no prince. Still mother was always home and ruled the family. For me it was torture.</p><p></p><p> i think brother was golden child because mother worshipped her brother and her son reminded her of him. Plus he was good natured never made her feel bad and he had a chronic illness and needed her. I was the scapegoat because my mother did not like herself at all and I reminded her of herself plus I was difficult and called her out on the b.s. and did not always listen to her. Although I actually was a goody two shoes and didn't drink AT ALL or use drugs or have sex as a teen I still got the scapegoat label and I suspect mother thought I might be doing everything I didn't do. At least once she asked me if I was pregnant. I dated a lot but refused to be like everyone else and let boys use me...I cared about respecting my body. But my mother didn't believe I was a good kid. Being the scapegoat is a <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>My sister did everything I didn't do but was the lost child until age 29 and my mother didn't notice her in the least until.she developed anorexia in college. Then mother was a little more concerned about her but not enough to spend time with her instead of seeing her boyfriend all the time. After all Sis was away at school and my mother was living her second childhoodcand could not be bothered to worry about her kid.</p><p></p><p>Her boyfriend was not a good choice (bigbsurprise). In the end he cheated on her and broke whatever heart my mother had.</p><p></p><p>Why was I the only one who could love a GOOD man? Hmmmm.</p><p></p><p>The lost child can be as damaged or moreso than the scapegoat.</p><p> By the time sis was in college with anorexia, mother had obviously left my dad and was enjoying being the Belle of the Ball.</p><p></p><p>My sister copied her a lot and divorced her husband at around the same age, found an even worse boyfriend than my mother had had and her end of her story will not be known to me. Last I heard it was seven years of abuse with bad abusive boyfriend with her being unable/unwilling to find the inner strength to cut him out of her life because she loves him. As of our last contact near Christmas 2017 the cliffhanger was that she has a lot of trouble getting close to anyone and is not attracted to nice men and alcohol seems to be a big part of her relationships. Lots of drinking from both. She likes her wine. Too much in my opinion. Even her user name on another site is the name of an alcoholic drink.</p><p></p><p> Both my mom and sister picked much younger men. Well, 7 and 6 years younger respectively and both men looked younger still and are very handsome. I dont think my sister will accept aging. She is rather hung up on being beautiful and she cant anymore! She is 58. We all change...I felt my sister, in spite trying hard to shed her lost child status, but my opinion is that she is still very much a lost child. She still doesnt eat, diets if she weighs 100 lbs. I can't recall her ever eating a meal in front of me. Obsessed with her frail build she overexercises. Very sad. I doubt she ever told her doctor about her eating disorder. The doctor probably feels she is this thin naturally but that isn't true. One of her charges is obsessed with nutrition and overexercises too. I hope it is not an eating disorder. My sister would not recognize one to intervene.</p><p></p><p>The lost child is a very sad family role too. I feel sorry for my sister. She did not ever have my spunk and fight nor my ability to get intimate with others nor my ability to let people go if they are toxic. She is frozen, unable to love or move or change. It was hard for me to watch her continue to interact with a man who is obviously capable of certain degrees of danger. And HIM she won't call the cops on because he would dump her forever if she did. And she can't allow that. Me? I was expendable but this man is not.</p><p></p><p>Thanks to my grandma, I can get very close to people...not a problem. I feel I am the one not emotionally stunted. Maybe because I spent decades with only minimal contact with my emotionally stunted mother. It was my mother's choice, but a benefit to me. Even though it hurt at the time. I gravitate towards kind people. Thank you, God.</p><p></p><p>Golden child sweet brother has never as far as I know had a steady girlfriend and has no children. But his illness may have played a part. I have no idea of the golden child's ability to attach. I hope he can and does.</p><p></p><p>I am the only one in my FOO in a healthy relationship going on 24 years, dead or alive.</p><p></p><p>I find this a fascinating topic as a recovered scapegoat. I think this lady in the video is pretty much right on. She is not the only one speaking out. It's about time that this is out there.</p><p></p><p>Enjoy!! Explore this further if it resonates. YouTube has a supply of like videos.</p><p>.</p><p></p><p><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAQh_UIP2os" target="_blank">Toxic Family Structure: Narcissist, Enabler, Scapegoat Child, Lost Child and Golden Child</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 731220, member: 1550"] One of many videos about Scapegoating and dysfunctional family dynamics. There are tons and worthy of listening to if this is you. Don't be me, scapegoated most of my life by my family of origin. It luckily did NOT ruin my life, but it could have and it could ruin yours. Learn why you are scapegoated, think about if you want to be or if you need to leave, find a family of choice who loves you, don't try to talk your toxic family into thinking you are a good person. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, but you will never talk your scapegoating family into accepting it. Scapegoats are often the most aware of all the children and most apt to call out the narc on her B.S. That's not a bad thing. It takes strength! In my family dad was a Narcicist but not interested in family and never home so hehwas almost a nonfactor. He a was abused by my borderline mother. My siblings would say he abused her. I disagree. She belittled him like she did me but he got crazy sometimes too. Mother said just the right thing to press buttons but Dad was no prince. Still mother was always home and ruled the family. For me it was torture. i think brother was golden child because mother worshipped her brother and her son reminded her of him. Plus he was good natured never made her feel bad and he had a chronic illness and needed her. I was the scapegoat because my mother did not like herself at all and I reminded her of herself plus I was difficult and called her out on the b.s. and did not always listen to her. Although I actually was a goody two shoes and didn't drink AT ALL or use drugs or have sex as a teen I still got the scapegoat label and I suspect mother thought I might be doing everything I didn't do. At least once she asked me if I was pregnant. I dated a lot but refused to be like everyone else and let boys use me...I cared about respecting my body. But my mother didn't believe I was a good kid. Being the scapegoat is a :censored2: :) My sister did everything I didn't do but was the lost child until age 29 and my mother didn't notice her in the least until.she developed anorexia in college. Then mother was a little more concerned about her but not enough to spend time with her instead of seeing her boyfriend all the time. After all Sis was away at school and my mother was living her second childhoodcand could not be bothered to worry about her kid. Her boyfriend was not a good choice (bigbsurprise). In the end he cheated on her and broke whatever heart my mother had. Why was I the only one who could love a GOOD man? Hmmmm. The lost child can be as damaged or moreso than the scapegoat. By the time sis was in college with anorexia, mother had obviously left my dad and was enjoying being the Belle of the Ball. My sister copied her a lot and divorced her husband at around the same age, found an even worse boyfriend than my mother had had and her end of her story will not be known to me. Last I heard it was seven years of abuse with bad abusive boyfriend with her being unable/unwilling to find the inner strength to cut him out of her life because she loves him. As of our last contact near Christmas 2017 the cliffhanger was that she has a lot of trouble getting close to anyone and is not attracted to nice men and alcohol seems to be a big part of her relationships. Lots of drinking from both. She likes her wine. Too much in my opinion. Even her user name on another site is the name of an alcoholic drink. Both my mom and sister picked much younger men. Well, 7 and 6 years younger respectively and both men looked younger still and are very handsome. I dont think my sister will accept aging. She is rather hung up on being beautiful and she cant anymore! She is 58. We all change...I felt my sister, in spite trying hard to shed her lost child status, but my opinion is that she is still very much a lost child. She still doesnt eat, diets if she weighs 100 lbs. I can't recall her ever eating a meal in front of me. Obsessed with her frail build she overexercises. Very sad. I doubt she ever told her doctor about her eating disorder. The doctor probably feels she is this thin naturally but that isn't true. One of her charges is obsessed with nutrition and overexercises too. I hope it is not an eating disorder. My sister would not recognize one to intervene. The lost child is a very sad family role too. I feel sorry for my sister. She did not ever have my spunk and fight nor my ability to get intimate with others nor my ability to let people go if they are toxic. She is frozen, unable to love or move or change. It was hard for me to watch her continue to interact with a man who is obviously capable of certain degrees of danger. And HIM she won't call the cops on because he would dump her forever if she did. And she can't allow that. Me? I was expendable but this man is not. Thanks to my grandma, I can get very close to people...not a problem. I feel I am the one not emotionally stunted. Maybe because I spent decades with only minimal contact with my emotionally stunted mother. It was my mother's choice, but a benefit to me. Even though it hurt at the time. I gravitate towards kind people. Thank you, God. Golden child sweet brother has never as far as I know had a steady girlfriend and has no children. But his illness may have played a part. I have no idea of the golden child's ability to attach. I hope he can and does. I am the only one in my FOO in a healthy relationship going on 24 years, dead or alive. I find this a fascinating topic as a recovered scapegoat. I think this lady in the video is pretty much right on. She is not the only one speaking out. It's about time that this is out there. Enjoy!! Explore this further if it resonates. YouTube has a supply of like videos. . [URL="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAQh_UIP2os"]Toxic Family Structure: Narcissist, Enabler, Scapegoat Child, Lost Child and Golden Child[/URL] [/QUOTE]
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