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Can an O.D.D child turn out ok?
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<blockquote data-quote="SearchingForRainbows" data-source="post: 607899" data-attributes="member: 3388"><p>"Counselor told us son was "splitting" and dividing and conquering us. He was affecting our marriage and adding tension. I really hope husband understands that's the exact truth."</p><p></p><p>While living in this seemingly unending HE77, I used to think that difficult child 1 was doing this because he hated me. Having had the luxury of time and distance to look back at the situation, I now know that difficult child 1 didn't do this out of any great hatred for me, but rather because it worked! It was that simple - Throw a fit, work self up into a rage, blame the entire mess on mom, dad will rescue me. </p><p></p><p>I thought I hated my husband as much as I thought difficult child 1 hated me. husband gave into difficult child 1's demands. Immediate peace followed. A bit of silence, calm, in an otherwise out of control world... Immediate gratification... But, this immediate calm came at a huge price - It not only almost cost me my marriage but also my oldest, difficult child 1. Yes, as hard as this is for me to admit, even now, there was a long period of time where I thought I hated difficult child 1 too... Another time, another story..</p><p></p><p>Getting back on track, I really hope your H not only understands and realizes that what the counselor said is true, but is able to do the hard work necessary for change. Once you and your H are on the same page, your difficult child will slowly begin to realize that he can no longer control the situation by manipulating you and your H. Your difficult child will still be able to make choices but the consequences of these choices, either bad or good, will be dependent upon whether or not he follows the guidelines and rules you and husband clearly outline for him. </p><p></p><p>Typically, at least from what difficult child 1's therapist told us and from what we heard from others going through similar situations, things will get worse before they get better. When difficult child 1 first began to realize that he could no longer manipulate us, difficult child 1 fought back as hard as he could. His fits of rage intensified. husband began questioning what we were doing. There were times husband slipped, giving into difficult child 1, making difficult child 1 falsely think that if he kept raging long and hard enough, eventually things would go back to the way they were. It was a long, rocky, road to peace but it did happen. It can happen for you too! </p><p></p><p>Thinking of you, hoping today goes smoothly... SFR</p><p></p><p>P.S. One of the best pieces of advice difficult child 1's therapist gave us was that during the worst moments, when difficult child 1 is actively looking for conflict, if we need to talk to difficult child 1, keep our sentences short, four or five words max, talk in an even calm emotionless voice, end all conversation as soon as possible. Ignore difficult child 1's behavior (if possible.) We were told that if difficult child 1 listens to what is being said, he'll only pick up the first four or five words before totally tuning out. Bottom line, when dealing with an angry, upset difficult child, the least contact, the better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SearchingForRainbows, post: 607899, member: 3388"] "Counselor told us son was "splitting" and dividing and conquering us. He was affecting our marriage and adding tension. I really hope husband understands that's the exact truth." While living in this seemingly unending HE77, I used to think that difficult child 1 was doing this because he hated me. Having had the luxury of time and distance to look back at the situation, I now know that difficult child 1 didn't do this out of any great hatred for me, but rather because it worked! It was that simple - Throw a fit, work self up into a rage, blame the entire mess on mom, dad will rescue me. I thought I hated my husband as much as I thought difficult child 1 hated me. husband gave into difficult child 1's demands. Immediate peace followed. A bit of silence, calm, in an otherwise out of control world... Immediate gratification... But, this immediate calm came at a huge price - It not only almost cost me my marriage but also my oldest, difficult child 1. Yes, as hard as this is for me to admit, even now, there was a long period of time where I thought I hated difficult child 1 too... Another time, another story.. Getting back on track, I really hope your H not only understands and realizes that what the counselor said is true, but is able to do the hard work necessary for change. Once you and your H are on the same page, your difficult child will slowly begin to realize that he can no longer control the situation by manipulating you and your H. Your difficult child will still be able to make choices but the consequences of these choices, either bad or good, will be dependent upon whether or not he follows the guidelines and rules you and husband clearly outline for him. Typically, at least from what difficult child 1's therapist told us and from what we heard from others going through similar situations, things will get worse before they get better. When difficult child 1 first began to realize that he could no longer manipulate us, difficult child 1 fought back as hard as he could. His fits of rage intensified. husband began questioning what we were doing. There were times husband slipped, giving into difficult child 1, making difficult child 1 falsely think that if he kept raging long and hard enough, eventually things would go back to the way they were. It was a long, rocky, road to peace but it did happen. It can happen for you too! Thinking of you, hoping today goes smoothly... SFR P.S. One of the best pieces of advice difficult child 1's therapist gave us was that during the worst moments, when difficult child 1 is actively looking for conflict, if we need to talk to difficult child 1, keep our sentences short, four or five words max, talk in an even calm emotionless voice, end all conversation as soon as possible. Ignore difficult child 1's behavior (if possible.) We were told that if difficult child 1 listens to what is being said, he'll only pick up the first four or five words before totally tuning out. Bottom line, when dealing with an angry, upset difficult child, the least contact, the better. [/QUOTE]
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