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General Parenting
Can an O.D.D child turn out ok?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 607940" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>"The Explosive Child" is a really valuable book in a wide range of situaitons when dealing with a challenging child. You can use the techniques on "normal" children too, so you don't have to use different methods. The advantage of these techniques is that you become the child's facilitator and helper, not the obstacle to their wishes. Any consequences are purely natural ones resulting from their own actions. So it's not you punishing them, they've done it to themselves. So you could implement this yourself, and if your husband does thingsa differently, HE will be the one to get kicked and bitten more than you. </p><p>An example I've given before - it's snowing and cold outside and your kid wants to rush out and play in it. You could stand in the doorway blocking his path and say, "You are not going outside without putting on your jacket!"</p><p>Chances are the kid would knock you over and ignore your injunction.</p><p></p><p>Or you could say, "Do you want your blue jacket, or your red one?" and offer it. If the child still rushes outside with no jacket, have the jacket handy near the door because (especially if you haven't made a big deal out of it) he WILL be back when he feels cold. Your are there to speed up his return to the snow outside, so you have just helped. He has also learned that your first suggestion about which jacket, was an assumption (borne out) that he would need a jacket out there and you knew and wanted to help.</p><p></p><p>Wrestling him into and out of his clothes is not going to work much longer and is not the way to move forward. Instead, you can take him to school in his pyjamas. If you can't get him onto the bus or in the car, then let him deal with the school for his tardiness or inattendance. Don't cut him any slack, but let the school handle that one. And if he comes back at you and says, "You made me miss school," CALMLY point out that you asked him to get dressed and he did not do it. Ask him what he would like you to do, to help him get dressed in time. Point out that it's really not dignified to have to force him physically, he deserves respect.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, by showing him respect (even if you don't think he deserves it) he will learn that respect feels good, and that he should show respect in turn. </p><p></p><p>This also works sometimes on wayward husbands. Only one person playing a passive aggressive game won't succeed if you don't engage in it. If he's 'seducing' your son - well, he's not doing it in everything, if he feels he has to physically force him into his clothes. And if dad is making him go to ball games when the kid doesn't enjoy it, that kid will remember that his wishes were not respected. As for the emotional affair - the kid will notice that dad is not really focussed on HIM. Kids work things out. Sometimes they come to the wrong conclusions, but we're talking about respect here. Once your son learns about respect (and he won't get it right for a long time, but a start is good) he will see that your husband does not do the R thing.</p><p></p><p>So read the book. Get it out of the library. Read the summaries and descriptions of how others on this site have used it.</p><p></p><p>There are also other books. They do work.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. </p><p></p><p>And the diagnosis - it sounds like an alphabet soup to me, a whole lot of labels that are descriptive, not really diagnostic. You will get answers and these are a start, but you have a way to go down the diagnostic path as well.</p><p></p><p>For example, my son with Autism (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) - high-functioning) also has been given labels of anxiety, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), ODD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ADHD, hyperlexia (opposite of dyslexia but coupled with lack of understanding for what he can read - he still reads baby books at 19, won't read anything age appropriate) and a few other things I've forgotten because it is ALL covered, in his case, by the all-encompassing Autism Spectrum Disorder.</p><p></p><p>And really? The labels can help point us towards useful educational/therapy paths, but hje's still the same kid who has been different from Day 1. We love him to pieces and he's turning into an amazing (although at times still challenging) young man.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 607940, member: 1991"] "The Explosive Child" is a really valuable book in a wide range of situaitons when dealing with a challenging child. You can use the techniques on "normal" children too, so you don't have to use different methods. The advantage of these techniques is that you become the child's facilitator and helper, not the obstacle to their wishes. Any consequences are purely natural ones resulting from their own actions. So it's not you punishing them, they've done it to themselves. So you could implement this yourself, and if your husband does thingsa differently, HE will be the one to get kicked and bitten more than you. An example I've given before - it's snowing and cold outside and your kid wants to rush out and play in it. You could stand in the doorway blocking his path and say, "You are not going outside without putting on your jacket!" Chances are the kid would knock you over and ignore your injunction. Or you could say, "Do you want your blue jacket, or your red one?" and offer it. If the child still rushes outside with no jacket, have the jacket handy near the door because (especially if you haven't made a big deal out of it) he WILL be back when he feels cold. Your are there to speed up his return to the snow outside, so you have just helped. He has also learned that your first suggestion about which jacket, was an assumption (borne out) that he would need a jacket out there and you knew and wanted to help. Wrestling him into and out of his clothes is not going to work much longer and is not the way to move forward. Instead, you can take him to school in his pyjamas. If you can't get him onto the bus or in the car, then let him deal with the school for his tardiness or inattendance. Don't cut him any slack, but let the school handle that one. And if he comes back at you and says, "You made me miss school," CALMLY point out that you asked him to get dressed and he did not do it. Ask him what he would like you to do, to help him get dressed in time. Point out that it's really not dignified to have to force him physically, he deserves respect. The thing is, by showing him respect (even if you don't think he deserves it) he will learn that respect feels good, and that he should show respect in turn. This also works sometimes on wayward husbands. Only one person playing a passive aggressive game won't succeed if you don't engage in it. If he's 'seducing' your son - well, he's not doing it in everything, if he feels he has to physically force him into his clothes. And if dad is making him go to ball games when the kid doesn't enjoy it, that kid will remember that his wishes were not respected. As for the emotional affair - the kid will notice that dad is not really focussed on HIM. Kids work things out. Sometimes they come to the wrong conclusions, but we're talking about respect here. Once your son learns about respect (and he won't get it right for a long time, but a start is good) he will see that your husband does not do the R thing. So read the book. Get it out of the library. Read the summaries and descriptions of how others on this site have used it. There are also other books. They do work. Good luck. And the diagnosis - it sounds like an alphabet soup to me, a whole lot of labels that are descriptive, not really diagnostic. You will get answers and these are a start, but you have a way to go down the diagnostic path as well. For example, my son with Autism (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) - high-functioning) also has been given labels of anxiety, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), ODD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), ADHD, hyperlexia (opposite of dyslexia but coupled with lack of understanding for what he can read - he still reads baby books at 19, won't read anything age appropriate) and a few other things I've forgotten because it is ALL covered, in his case, by the all-encompassing Autism Spectrum Disorder. And really? The labels can help point us towards useful educational/therapy paths, but hje's still the same kid who has been different from Day 1. We love him to pieces and he's turning into an amazing (although at times still challenging) young man. Marg [/QUOTE]
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