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Can we talk about what boundaries really mean?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 626999" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>MWM, take out your Boundaries book again by Cloud and Townsend. It's right there in black and white. When we set a boundary, people are not going to like it. That is for sure. </p><p></p><p>When we say what we will or will not do, after we have been doing it already for a long time, people don't like that. They want us to stay the same. They want to keep on doing what they have been doing.</p><p></p><p>But we aren't going to put ourselves through ________ anymore. We can either say it---like you did with your sister---or we can use actions, not words.</p><p></p><p>When sister calls and starts talking about the boyfriend, we can say, Oh, somebody's at the door. We can change the subject. We can say the pasta is boiling over on the stove. We can say, hey, let's talk about something else, okay? </p><p></p><p>MWM, you know how to do this already. You do it with difficult child already. You're confused because she counterattacked hard, hitting your soft spots.</p><p></p><p>With my mother, who talks to my aunt three or four times a week and gets so upset about what she hears---crazy stuff---I said, Mother let every other call go to voice mail. Only answer when you feel strong and ready to handle it. Get off the phone when it starts. My mother is not going to straight out say: This stuff is sick. My aunt isn't going to change. They love each other. So they are going to talk, but there have to be limits---boundaries---to those talks, or my mother is super upset all the time. Who wants to continuously hear a bunch of sick, sick stuff? I don't. That's why I limit my time with difficult child.</p><p></p><p>You have a right not to hear all of this stuff from your sister. She will have to find somebody else to vent to. It's not you, anymore. I would imagine you have offer helpful, loving advice over the years and she has never taken it. I learned in Al-Anon that you say something one time. One time. And then saying it a second time, and third, etc., is an attempt to control and manipulate. </p><p></p><p>Your sister knows she is in a sick relationship. She just doesn't want to do anything about it. On some level, MWM, it's working for her.</p><p></p><p>I think boundaries are about respect. Respect for me. Respect for you. Once I learn that something is really not good for me, I need to limit that something. I can do it kindly (say what you mean, but don't be mean about what you say) or I can just act on it.</p><p></p><p>I think saying it kindly is more honest but that's everybody's call.</p><p></p><p>Also, I try hard (and I fail a lot) not to offer advice unless I am specifically asked for it. I have learned this in 12 step work. Who do I think I am to tell somebody else what to do? How can I know the dozens of variables that make up their life and their decisions?</p><p></p><p>Get your book out MWM. You are okay. You are on solid ground here. Figure out if something isn't working for you, and then work to change that situation. That is what you did. </p><p></p><p>To spell it out, I read that you told her what YOU would and would not do. You did not tell her what SHE should and should not do. That could be controlling and managing if that were the case and you weren't asked for advice. </p><p></p><p>You could get back with her and clarify: Hey sis, I''m sorry we got off track yesterday. I'd like to clarify. I don't want to talk about your boyfriend anymore when we get on the phone together, because it's upsetting to me. That's all. I love you and I want to keep talking like we always do. </p><p></p><p>Then don't engage anymore on the subject. No back and forth. She still won't like it, and she will be pushing back. Just say, hey, let's agree to disagree on this. Whoops, I've got to go. Pasta boiling over. Talk to you tomorrow!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 626999, member: 17542"] MWM, take out your Boundaries book again by Cloud and Townsend. It's right there in black and white. When we set a boundary, people are not going to like it. That is for sure. When we say what we will or will not do, after we have been doing it already for a long time, people don't like that. They want us to stay the same. They want to keep on doing what they have been doing. But we aren't going to put ourselves through ________ anymore. We can either say it---like you did with your sister---or we can use actions, not words. When sister calls and starts talking about the boyfriend, we can say, Oh, somebody's at the door. We can change the subject. We can say the pasta is boiling over on the stove. We can say, hey, let's talk about something else, okay? MWM, you know how to do this already. You do it with difficult child already. You're confused because she counterattacked hard, hitting your soft spots. With my mother, who talks to my aunt three or four times a week and gets so upset about what she hears---crazy stuff---I said, Mother let every other call go to voice mail. Only answer when you feel strong and ready to handle it. Get off the phone when it starts. My mother is not going to straight out say: This stuff is sick. My aunt isn't going to change. They love each other. So they are going to talk, but there have to be limits---boundaries---to those talks, or my mother is super upset all the time. Who wants to continuously hear a bunch of sick, sick stuff? I don't. That's why I limit my time with difficult child. You have a right not to hear all of this stuff from your sister. She will have to find somebody else to vent to. It's not you, anymore. I would imagine you have offer helpful, loving advice over the years and she has never taken it. I learned in Al-Anon that you say something one time. One time. And then saying it a second time, and third, etc., is an attempt to control and manipulate. Your sister knows she is in a sick relationship. She just doesn't want to do anything about it. On some level, MWM, it's working for her. I think boundaries are about respect. Respect for me. Respect for you. Once I learn that something is really not good for me, I need to limit that something. I can do it kindly (say what you mean, but don't be mean about what you say) or I can just act on it. I think saying it kindly is more honest but that's everybody's call. Also, I try hard (and I fail a lot) not to offer advice unless I am specifically asked for it. I have learned this in 12 step work. Who do I think I am to tell somebody else what to do? How can I know the dozens of variables that make up their life and their decisions? Get your book out MWM. You are okay. You are on solid ground here. Figure out if something isn't working for you, and then work to change that situation. That is what you did. To spell it out, I read that you told her what YOU would and would not do. You did not tell her what SHE should and should not do. That could be controlling and managing if that were the case and you weren't asked for advice. You could get back with her and clarify: Hey sis, I''m sorry we got off track yesterday. I'd like to clarify. I don't want to talk about your boyfriend anymore when we get on the phone together, because it's upsetting to me. That's all. I love you and I want to keep talking like we always do. Then don't engage anymore on the subject. No back and forth. She still won't like it, and she will be pushing back. Just say, hey, let's agree to disagree on this. Whoops, I've got to go. Pasta boiling over. Talk to you tomorrow! [/QUOTE]
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