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Can you forgive him forever?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742434" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Nobody here is wonder woman.</p><p>You are the one hurting you every day.</p><p>I was estranged from my mother many years, my father until his death, and my sister for many years. But the issue for me was never forgiveness. The issue was danger. And to a secondary extent that I lacked good boundaries and a strong voice. A stronger woman could have defended herself.</p><p>You have made your decision but why does a boundary require acting it out? What about quietly in yourself making a boundary and never contacting him again. Why do you have to tell him? That to me sounds self-destructive, not healing. Not to mention hurtful to him. I have done this with my son. I regret it. To me the boundary as I understand it now is in one's head, first.</p><p></p><p>Your son is in prison. He cannot come to hurt you. You can block his calls. </p><p></p><p>You are inviting him in. </p><p></p><p>If you tell him of the boundary, what will stop him from continuing to try to poison the minds of others. I have set these kinds of boundaries with my son. Number one, I could not hold the line. Number two, it did not stop the pain. Number three I am his mother. </p><p></p><p>But I feel bad because I think what I have posted you have experienced as hurtful. My motivation is that you do not hurt more. But you did not receive it that way, I fear.</p><p></p><p>The hardest part of this being a mother in these circumstances, for me, is the fact that it triggers old pain, in fact I am visited with the very traumas I have spent my life running from. I think this is true for many of us.</p><p></p><p>I did not mean to cause you pain or to make you feel bad about your choices. But I have to say I think you will not find the peace that you seek. It is not so simple with a child.</p><p></p><p>I say, decide to not talk to him. Decide to not see him. Decide to take a break for 6 mos., 12 mos. But leave it be. Keep it to yourself. Give yourself outs. That is what I feel.</p><p></p><p>You have said that you fear that your son wants to retaliate against this woman, his bio mom. And he seems to be doing the very thing to you. You do not deserve this. Nor does she. But the pain that he is triggering in you, only you can address. Not anything you do vis a vis him. That is what I believe. I know the pain you are feeling, I believe, because I feel it too.</p><p></p><p>My mother decided she wanted nothing to do with me. My sister decided the same thing. My father despised me until he died. He called me to others all kinds of horrible things. The worst things you could call a young woman. I know how deep these wounds go.</p><p></p><p>I have no family except for my son. You do. But still, I doubt if this step will ease your pain. I am sorry.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742434, member: 18958"] Nobody here is wonder woman. You are the one hurting you every day. I was estranged from my mother many years, my father until his death, and my sister for many years. But the issue for me was never forgiveness. The issue was danger. And to a secondary extent that I lacked good boundaries and a strong voice. A stronger woman could have defended herself. You have made your decision but why does a boundary require acting it out? What about quietly in yourself making a boundary and never contacting him again. Why do you have to tell him? That to me sounds self-destructive, not healing. Not to mention hurtful to him. I have done this with my son. I regret it. To me the boundary as I understand it now is in one's head, first. Your son is in prison. He cannot come to hurt you. You can block his calls. You are inviting him in. If you tell him of the boundary, what will stop him from continuing to try to poison the minds of others. I have set these kinds of boundaries with my son. Number one, I could not hold the line. Number two, it did not stop the pain. Number three I am his mother. But I feel bad because I think what I have posted you have experienced as hurtful. My motivation is that you do not hurt more. But you did not receive it that way, I fear. The hardest part of this being a mother in these circumstances, for me, is the fact that it triggers old pain, in fact I am visited with the very traumas I have spent my life running from. I think this is true for many of us. I did not mean to cause you pain or to make you feel bad about your choices. But I have to say I think you will not find the peace that you seek. It is not so simple with a child. I say, decide to not talk to him. Decide to not see him. Decide to take a break for 6 mos., 12 mos. But leave it be. Keep it to yourself. Give yourself outs. That is what I feel. You have said that you fear that your son wants to retaliate against this woman, his bio mom. And he seems to be doing the very thing to you. You do not deserve this. Nor does she. But the pain that he is triggering in you, only you can address. Not anything you do vis a vis him. That is what I believe. I know the pain you are feeling, I believe, because I feel it too. My mother decided she wanted nothing to do with me. My sister decided the same thing. My father despised me until he died. He called me to others all kinds of horrible things. The worst things you could call a young woman. I know how deep these wounds go. I have no family except for my son. You do. But still, I doubt if this step will ease your pain. I am sorry. [/QUOTE]
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