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Can you forgive him forever?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 742473" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My view only. When we insert intention and deliberation, we get in trouble. Is it normal to do it? Yes. Do I do it. Yes. Does it help me in life? No.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying is I am better served by dealing with results over which I have control, not intentions, over which I have none, cannot see or verify. Results. Yes.</p><p></p><p>Now your son has a history of seeking to do, intending to do, meaning to do hurtful things that trespass boundaries.</p><p></p><p>If it was any other person you would be outathere. He has a mean streak that has led him to prison. How could this be disputed?</p><p></p><p>But your challenge is you love him with all of your heart.</p><p></p><p>This repeats the horribleness and trauma of your childhood. You were stuck as a child. You were helpless. It is the most normal and necessary thing in the world for children to love their abusive parents. Why? This is all they have in the world. they prefer to take on the blame themselves, "I am a bad child...if I were a better child...this wouldn't be happening." Another reason is we as little human beings are at work constructing identities and personalities. We need objects on which to base our identities, or we would be little wolf children, wild, and never achieving human potential.</p><p>This thing that is happening to you in relation to your son Smithmom is trauma-based, in my opinion. Your feelings tell you to do anything to escape from the trap that has you in its vice. But the trap is at the same time your mother love. </p><p></p><p>The thing is, SWOT, is it is the most normal thing in the world for a child to identify with the aggressor, the abusing parent. In your life, in my own, we have tried to work this out through therapy. But children identify with the aggressor in order to survive childhood. It has nothing to do with self-esteem, in my opinion. I think the idea of forgiveness is something that certain religious faiths reinforce. I think the people that go this route may be influenced by that or by the 12 step tradition, at least in our culture.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 742473, member: 18958"] My view only. When we insert intention and deliberation, we get in trouble. Is it normal to do it? Yes. Do I do it. Yes. Does it help me in life? No. What I am saying is I am better served by dealing with results over which I have control, not intentions, over which I have none, cannot see or verify. Results. Yes. Now your son has a history of seeking to do, intending to do, meaning to do hurtful things that trespass boundaries. If it was any other person you would be outathere. He has a mean streak that has led him to prison. How could this be disputed? But your challenge is you love him with all of your heart. This repeats the horribleness and trauma of your childhood. You were stuck as a child. You were helpless. It is the most normal and necessary thing in the world for children to love their abusive parents. Why? This is all they have in the world. they prefer to take on the blame themselves, "I am a bad child...if I were a better child...this wouldn't be happening." Another reason is we as little human beings are at work constructing identities and personalities. We need objects on which to base our identities, or we would be little wolf children, wild, and never achieving human potential. This thing that is happening to you in relation to your son Smithmom is trauma-based, in my opinion. Your feelings tell you to do anything to escape from the trap that has you in its vice. But the trap is at the same time your mother love. The thing is, SWOT, is it is the most normal thing in the world for a child to identify with the aggressor, the abusing parent. In your life, in my own, we have tried to work this out through therapy. But children identify with the aggressor in order to survive childhood. It has nothing to do with self-esteem, in my opinion. I think the idea of forgiveness is something that certain religious faiths reinforce. I think the people that go this route may be influenced by that or by the 12 step tradition, at least in our culture. [/QUOTE]
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