Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can you forgive him forever?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742527" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>This thread has given me much to think about, and I find that I am evolving my own understanding of forgiveness as we talk. I think that I have come to an understanding that true forgiveness can only come from a place of safety and strength. Smithmom, you were right to call me on whether I could have forgiven my abuser while I was still in it. And I DID forgive, many times - too many times. This kind of "forgiveness" in the face of ongoing abuse only serves to empower the abuser and allow the abuse to continue. The forgiveness that gives us peace can only come when we find strength and safety, in one way or another.</p><p></p><p>Smithmom, I think you have come to a place of much better clarity. I hope whatever final decision you make brings you peace.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Other thoughts. I don't find it helpful to worry too much about diagnoses with mine. They each have multiple diagnoses from different professionals over the years, and sometimes talking about those diagnoses can be a shortcut to understanding certain behavior patterns. But as SWOT says, it is an inexact science. No two people are the same, even with identical diagnoses. No two outcomes are the same. The DSM may say that there is no treatment for a certain diagnosis and very little hope of improvement. What good does that do me as a mother? I am worried about the behavior I see in front of me, not the diagnosis. And I don't think any diagnosis can definitively predict an outcome for an individual. You can talk in terms of percentages and statistics but what does that really say about my individual child, in the end? And what does it matter if my child's behaviors are given a name like ASPD or attributed to drugs, brain damage or plain old thoughtlessness? The behaviors hurt just the same. I don't find concepts like "evil" helpful, either. I don't think anyone is born "evil." Behaviors can certainly be evil. But I will never tell a mother her child is evil, or irredeemable. </p><p></p><p>I do find myself troubled by some parts of this thread, and I feel I have to speak. I agree that we should not be trying to diagnose other people's children online here, no matter how clear the behavioral patterns seem to be. More to the point here, we should not be trying to diagnose each other. And where we see things differently, or if we think our words have been misinterpreted or misrepresented somehow, we need to be able to frame our disagreements respectfully and without undue escalation. It made me very sad to see accusations of "Borderline (BPD) triangulation bullcrap" on this forum. Surely if there are misunderstandings between us there are better ways to handle them? My apologies if I am further hijacking the thread, and I don't want to further escalate anything, but I found the way this exchange ended up very distressing and I felt I had to say something. I mean it with the utmost respect and care for everyone here. We are all coming to the table with our own perspectives, professional and otherwise. And we are all in pain, which can heighten the emotion in our exchanges here. Let's agree to all be kind to one another. We all have enough unkindness in our lives already. And others reading need to see us being kind to one another as well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742527, member: 23349"] This thread has given me much to think about, and I find that I am evolving my own understanding of forgiveness as we talk. I think that I have come to an understanding that true forgiveness can only come from a place of safety and strength. Smithmom, you were right to call me on whether I could have forgiven my abuser while I was still in it. And I DID forgive, many times - too many times. This kind of "forgiveness" in the face of ongoing abuse only serves to empower the abuser and allow the abuse to continue. The forgiveness that gives us peace can only come when we find strength and safety, in one way or another. Smithmom, I think you have come to a place of much better clarity. I hope whatever final decision you make brings you peace. Other thoughts. I don't find it helpful to worry too much about diagnoses with mine. They each have multiple diagnoses from different professionals over the years, and sometimes talking about those diagnoses can be a shortcut to understanding certain behavior patterns. But as SWOT says, it is an inexact science. No two people are the same, even with identical diagnoses. No two outcomes are the same. The DSM may say that there is no treatment for a certain diagnosis and very little hope of improvement. What good does that do me as a mother? I am worried about the behavior I see in front of me, not the diagnosis. And I don't think any diagnosis can definitively predict an outcome for an individual. You can talk in terms of percentages and statistics but what does that really say about my individual child, in the end? And what does it matter if my child's behaviors are given a name like ASPD or attributed to drugs, brain damage or plain old thoughtlessness? The behaviors hurt just the same. I don't find concepts like "evil" helpful, either. I don't think anyone is born "evil." Behaviors can certainly be evil. But I will never tell a mother her child is evil, or irredeemable. I do find myself troubled by some parts of this thread, and I feel I have to speak. I agree that we should not be trying to diagnose other people's children online here, no matter how clear the behavioral patterns seem to be. More to the point here, we should not be trying to diagnose each other. And where we see things differently, or if we think our words have been misinterpreted or misrepresented somehow, we need to be able to frame our disagreements respectfully and without undue escalation. It made me very sad to see accusations of "Borderline (BPD) triangulation bullcrap" on this forum. Surely if there are misunderstandings between us there are better ways to handle them? My apologies if I am further hijacking the thread, and I don't want to further escalate anything, but I found the way this exchange ended up very distressing and I felt I had to say something. I mean it with the utmost respect and care for everyone here. We are all coming to the table with our own perspectives, professional and otherwise. And we are all in pain, which can heighten the emotion in our exchanges here. Let's agree to all be kind to one another. We all have enough unkindness in our lives already. And others reading need to see us being kind to one another as well. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can you forgive him forever?
Top