HLM, yes, there are all three. I do think DNA is the strongest. It's not a scientific opinion, of course, just what I've seen with the ladies and adoptees in my large adoption group. I think nurture is secondary...certainly though it helps not to live in chaos if you have difficult child tendencies. And, yes, our difficult children can decide to be different people from their birth families once they meet them. I believe Nancy's daughter has made that choice (correct me if I'm wrong, Nancy. Seems difficult child is doing really well of late!). Each difficult child has a different ability to change, however.
This is why I never, even in secret, blame the hardworking, desperate, loving parents for how their difficult children became difficult children. I can't blame anybody for marrying a difficult child or getting pregnant by a difficult child boyfriend at...what?....age 15? 18? Even 22? Sometimes people don't know a man is a difficult child until much later on too. Yet if a child is born through that union, the child is forever 50% that person. Unless we have starved, beaten, belittled or deprived our children, I never ever ever blame somebody for how a child turns out. I've even known two very good people who had a difficult child...unexplainable...maybe some DNA from the past.
I feel stupid for having chosen to have a child knowing my own DNA pool, but I was doing what everyone does...hoping my child didn't get the DNA curse. And, truthfully, when I Skype with my grandson, like I have been doing every week, he is such a well adjusted, sweet, bright, engaging child that I'm not as sorry as I used to be that I brought a child into this world. 37 has his flaws, but he's done a great job with Little 37 and I hope to see my grandson soon. 37 has offered to pay for transportation. Now...we'll see if he keeps that promise....
