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Can't give an inch...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 642407" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Remember that you will be responsible for damages, too. Having said that, I would ask whether your difficult child guilted you into looking for something for him, or whether he looked, found, and asked, in a responsible way, for you to do this for him.</p><p></p><p>In questions like these is sanity for parents.</p><p></p><p>Have I been manipulated?</p><p></p><p>Can I afford the rent / damages?</p><p></p><p>Most importantly: Does the difficult child have a plan, a coherent plan, to change things for himself?</p><p></p><p>If he doesn't, then the question is whether you can face the winter while he is homeless. Whether you can. difficult child daughter was homeless in thirty below temps. She had a thousand reasons why the shelter was not a good place. She would call crying, begging us to pay for a room for she and her "significant other." </p><p></p><p>And Lil, we almost did it.</p><p></p><p>She wanted the room in a hotel on the shores of the lake. Nice place. All we would have had to do was give our credit card number. (We were many states away from where difficult child daughter was homeless.) Neither husband nor I slept well that first night. In the morning, we began calling around for cheaper rooms. We'd decided we could not live with ourselves if we did not help her in this way. We began calling around, intending to rent for difficult child daughter for the months remaining until we came home. It turned out she had been blacklisted, even from the worst dives in the city. Had we provided a credit card, renting that room in our names for the three nights of the blizzard Lil...there is no telling what the damages might have been. We are very sure as many of the homeless community as could fit into the room would have been there, in that room we had paid for. And that means drugs and alcohol and police and wreckage.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Here are some other questions:</p><p></p><p>Is an experiment of this nature (renting him ~ and whoever else is homeless ~ a room) something that will enable me to sleep at night? (Then it may be worth it. Only you can know that.)</p><p></p><p>Can I wait a few more weeks? For the sake of my sanity, can I have this plan, this possible solution to the truly horrible situation my child has laid on my doorstep?</p><p></p><p>Time is so often on our side.</p><p></p><p>If we can wait, if we can allow the situation to unfold, <em>if we can give the child the time to come up with his own solution</em> that is the best resolution.</p><p></p><p>Easy for me to say, Lil. We paid, every time. Our children eventually overwhelmed even us. </p><p></p><p>I don't have any answers either, of course. But I can tell you that nothing we did seemed to help the kids. Our daughter and/or grands were home to live with us multiple times. Our son was home multiple times. We bought a trailer for him up on our back lot at one point.</p><p></p><p>When we would send him away, it would be with a car, a license, and money. The last time, it was a pretty crummy car and only $500. (Later, we would give him a truck <em>because he had a plan and he asked and that time, it worked and really did </em></p><p><em>help him.)</em></p><p></p><p>It seems that when the kids are desperate enough to come up with a plan of their own, then that thing we agree to actually helps them. It seems that as long as we are willing to take responsibility for their irresponsible actions, then we continue to pay and pay and try harder and become more enmeshed and guilty.</p><p></p><p>It does spiral like that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>One more thing: All your son has to do to come home, or to live in a dorm or apartment, is to do the right thing. To work a job and support himself, or to take advantage of your offer (which I am sure you made) to pay for his higher education.</p><p></p><p>It helps to look at it that way.</p><p></p><p>Education was a bargaining point for our son, too.</p><p></p><p>He broke us a couple of times over education...and he never did graduate college.</p><p> </p><p>And he is like, uber bright.</p><p></p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 642407, member: 17461"] Remember that you will be responsible for damages, too. Having said that, I would ask whether your difficult child guilted you into looking for something for him, or whether he looked, found, and asked, in a responsible way, for you to do this for him. In questions like these is sanity for parents. Have I been manipulated? Can I afford the rent / damages? Most importantly: Does the difficult child have a plan, a coherent plan, to change things for himself? If he doesn't, then the question is whether you can face the winter while he is homeless. Whether you can. difficult child daughter was homeless in thirty below temps. She had a thousand reasons why the shelter was not a good place. She would call crying, begging us to pay for a room for she and her "significant other." And Lil, we almost did it. She wanted the room in a hotel on the shores of the lake. Nice place. All we would have had to do was give our credit card number. (We were many states away from where difficult child daughter was homeless.) Neither husband nor I slept well that first night. In the morning, we began calling around for cheaper rooms. We'd decided we could not live with ourselves if we did not help her in this way. We began calling around, intending to rent for difficult child daughter for the months remaining until we came home. It turned out she had been blacklisted, even from the worst dives in the city. Had we provided a credit card, renting that room in our names for the three nights of the blizzard Lil...there is no telling what the damages might have been. We are very sure as many of the homeless community as could fit into the room would have been there, in that room we had paid for. And that means drugs and alcohol and police and wreckage. *** Here are some other questions: Is an experiment of this nature (renting him ~ and whoever else is homeless ~ a room) something that will enable me to sleep at night? (Then it may be worth it. Only you can know that.) Can I wait a few more weeks? For the sake of my sanity, can I have this plan, this possible solution to the truly horrible situation my child has laid on my doorstep? Time is so often on our side. If we can wait, if we can allow the situation to unfold, [I]if we can give the child the time to come up with his own solution[/I] that is the best resolution. Easy for me to say, Lil. We paid, every time. Our children eventually overwhelmed even us. I don't have any answers either, of course. But I can tell you that nothing we did seemed to help the kids. Our daughter and/or grands were home to live with us multiple times. Our son was home multiple times. We bought a trailer for him up on our back lot at one point. When we would send him away, it would be with a car, a license, and money. The last time, it was a pretty crummy car and only $500. (Later, we would give him a truck [I]because he had a plan and he asked and that time, it worked and really did help him.)[/I] It seems that when the kids are desperate enough to come up with a plan of their own, then that thing we agree to actually helps them. It seems that as long as we are willing to take responsibility for their irresponsible actions, then we continue to pay and pay and try harder and become more enmeshed and guilty. It does spiral like that. Cedar One more thing: All your son has to do to come home, or to live in a dorm or apartment, is to do the right thing. To work a job and support himself, or to take advantage of your offer (which I am sure you made) to pay for his higher education. It helps to look at it that way. Education was a bargaining point for our son, too. He broke us a couple of times over education...and he never did graduate college. And he is like, uber bright. . [/QUOTE]
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