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Can't give an inch...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 642541" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>It is so very interesting...fascinating actually...that this is the case. As chaotic as difficult child's life appears to me, still, he is maintaining a place to live. He is driving a car back and forth to work. He is presumably putting gas in that car. He is working one job 48 hours a week and one job 25 hours a week. I haven't given him any assistance at all for two to three weeks, and he hasn't asked me for any. I don't know if his dad is or not. </p><p></p><p>All of the "help" in the world won't make it work if THEY don't make it work. And conversely, all of the "hands off" we can possibly stomach and muster is exactly what is needed...I think of it this way...to free some space and time so they can actually figure out what THEY want (not what we say they should want), and then start to make it happen.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that what being an adult is? </p><p></p><p>We get so confused by love with our adult difficult child kids. We love them, so....we help them, right? Wrong. </p><p></p><p>The best gift we can give is the gift of standing by, doing nothing, smiling and offering verbal encouragement that is sincere. It is very very hard to learn to do this, for we parents who have built lives on the foundation of enabling---not meaning to, of course---but somehow slipping and sliding into this "thing" that we do that absolutely does nothing to help anybody.</p><p></p><p>It takes years for many of us to see it, and then stlll longer to stop doing it, even once we decide we WANT to stop doing it. See the similarity with them.</p><p></p><p>Oh, we are not so different at all. </p><p></p><p>Once we see and believe that when we "help" we are actually crippling them, then we free up a space where something has a chance to change...if our difficult child wants it to change.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 642541, member: 17542"] It is so very interesting...fascinating actually...that this is the case. As chaotic as difficult child's life appears to me, still, he is maintaining a place to live. He is driving a car back and forth to work. He is presumably putting gas in that car. He is working one job 48 hours a week and one job 25 hours a week. I haven't given him any assistance at all for two to three weeks, and he hasn't asked me for any. I don't know if his dad is or not. All of the "help" in the world won't make it work if THEY don't make it work. And conversely, all of the "hands off" we can possibly stomach and muster is exactly what is needed...I think of it this way...to free some space and time so they can actually figure out what THEY want (not what we say they should want), and then start to make it happen. Isn't that what being an adult is? We get so confused by love with our adult difficult child kids. We love them, so....we help them, right? Wrong. The best gift we can give is the gift of standing by, doing nothing, smiling and offering verbal encouragement that is sincere. It is very very hard to learn to do this, for we parents who have built lives on the foundation of enabling---not meaning to, of course---but somehow slipping and sliding into this "thing" that we do that absolutely does nothing to help anybody. It takes years for many of us to see it, and then stlll longer to stop doing it, even once we decide we WANT to stop doing it. See the similarity with them. Oh, we are not so different at all. Once we see and believe that when we "help" we are actually crippling them, then we free up a space where something has a chance to change...if our difficult child wants it to change. [/QUOTE]
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