Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can't give an inch...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 642554" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Many of our grown kids don't necessarily ever grow up, even if we back out.</p><p></p><p>But they have no chance at all if we wipe their noses. And the earlier we start forcing them to fend for themselves, without our help, the better the chances they will grow up one day. I have two difficult children and one grew up and other did not entirely grow up, but he knew darn well that if he had no job or got arrested or didn't pay his bills, he was not going to get any help from us. So he has a job, a house, a car and pays his child support, even though his thinking is often infantile.</p><p></p><p>I cringe when parents keep trying to help grown kids who are doing nothing with their lives. Or suddenly offering to pay for a car or a rental just because they got a job at Pizza Hut, that may or may not last. Or that they buy "necessities" that, if. of good quality, are usually sold for drugs. I get it because I did this for a while, but fortunately 37 got the cut off before he hit 25, which I think is a critical age. Most adult children are well on their way to their futures by then.</p><p></p><p>Scott, I can not disagree with one word you said. In the heartfelt hope that we are "helping" by making things easier for our grown kids, we are doing the exact opposite. Not one adult child ever quit drugs or got a good job or went back to school because WE gave them $200 for rent that they didn't use for rent (or maybe that they did use for rent). Our excuses for their behavior never changed them one wit. Our hot meals, letting them come home, and going easy on them because they are more "sensitive" than others did not help toughen them to prepare them for the world. The only adult children who have changed WANTED and NEEDED to change. The want is absolutely mandatory. The need is secondary, but it's very important. If they want to change and have figured out that the onus of the rest of their life is on them, that is further motivation.</p><p></p><p>I am amazed at how many grown children have never really worked. I'm amazed at how many of those grown children have access to cars. I'm amazed at how many of those grown children have their parents paying for cell phones, the internet, other fun things that they probably use for self-destruction. But we all have to walk our own path and learn at our own pace. Not all of us can let go. That makes us in a dance with our Peter Pan child and it can be a dance that dances all night and still could dance some more.</p><p></p><p>That's one reason I like Al-Anon. I'm not religious...spiritual, yes, but not religious. The part that hooked me was the letting go part and the help I sought out to do it. There is a lot of help out there for parents like us with struggling adult children. NAMI, Al-Anon, private therapy...anything is good. It is sooooooooooo important to see that WE can't do the work for our grown kids. And we also need to feel ok about enjoying our own lives even if our grown kids are struggling. After all, we are different people. The more we hover over them, the more power they feel they have over us and the more they try to stay in Peter Pan mode.</p><p></p><p>And that is just not good.</p><p></p><p>Scott, great post. One of the best I've read...at least in my opinion. It echoes how I feel in a way that only a man can say it <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Stick around.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 642554, member: 1550"] Many of our grown kids don't necessarily ever grow up, even if we back out. But they have no chance at all if we wipe their noses. And the earlier we start forcing them to fend for themselves, without our help, the better the chances they will grow up one day. I have two difficult children and one grew up and other did not entirely grow up, but he knew darn well that if he had no job or got arrested or didn't pay his bills, he was not going to get any help from us. So he has a job, a house, a car and pays his child support, even though his thinking is often infantile. I cringe when parents keep trying to help grown kids who are doing nothing with their lives. Or suddenly offering to pay for a car or a rental just because they got a job at Pizza Hut, that may or may not last. Or that they buy "necessities" that, if. of good quality, are usually sold for drugs. I get it because I did this for a while, but fortunately 37 got the cut off before he hit 25, which I think is a critical age. Most adult children are well on their way to their futures by then. Scott, I can not disagree with one word you said. In the heartfelt hope that we are "helping" by making things easier for our grown kids, we are doing the exact opposite. Not one adult child ever quit drugs or got a good job or went back to school because WE gave them $200 for rent that they didn't use for rent (or maybe that they did use for rent). Our excuses for their behavior never changed them one wit. Our hot meals, letting them come home, and going easy on them because they are more "sensitive" than others did not help toughen them to prepare them for the world. The only adult children who have changed WANTED and NEEDED to change. The want is absolutely mandatory. The need is secondary, but it's very important. If they want to change and have figured out that the onus of the rest of their life is on them, that is further motivation. I am amazed at how many grown children have never really worked. I'm amazed at how many of those grown children have access to cars. I'm amazed at how many of those grown children have their parents paying for cell phones, the internet, other fun things that they probably use for self-destruction. But we all have to walk our own path and learn at our own pace. Not all of us can let go. That makes us in a dance with our Peter Pan child and it can be a dance that dances all night and still could dance some more. That's one reason I like Al-Anon. I'm not religious...spiritual, yes, but not religious. The part that hooked me was the letting go part and the help I sought out to do it. There is a lot of help out there for parents like us with struggling adult children. NAMI, Al-Anon, private therapy...anything is good. It is sooooooooooo important to see that WE can't do the work for our grown kids. And we also need to feel ok about enjoying our own lives even if our grown kids are struggling. After all, we are different people. The more we hover over them, the more power they feel they have over us and the more they try to stay in Peter Pan mode. And that is just not good. Scott, great post. One of the best I've read...at least in my opinion. It echoes how I feel in a way that only a man can say it :) Stick around. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Can't give an inch...
Top