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Can't give an inch...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 642584" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hope, I know how profoundly frustrating (despairing, annoying, back-breaking...) it is to finally "get it" about enabling, at least intellectually, which is how you "get it" at first, only to watch someone else continue the sick cycle.</p><p></p><p>After years in Al-Anon, I finally started to intellectually understand that my help, as Scott G. said so well above, wasn't help at all. In fact, it was a huge hindrance, and further, a huge roadblock and barrier for him to even start to figure out his own life. I had been enabling my son for years, but I couldn't see it. </p><p></p><p>Then, even after I "got it" intellectually, and was working hard on having a growing understanding of all of the ways I was not helping, and then praying for a way forward, because "if I don't do THAT anymore, what DO I DO?" also took up a lot of my time and energy. It has taken a whole whole lot of work and a lot of missteps, some of which continue today, but fewer and fewer, thankfully, still. </p><p></p><p>During this time of working on myself so hard, my ex-husband, difficult child's dad, continued to enable him mightily. One or two times, I tried to share what I was learning, but he was very caught up in his own guilt about being an alcoholic himself---recovering now---and also confused about what is said in AA about one alcoholic helping another, always. I could see how conflicted he was, and I didn't push after having one or two conversations about it. </p><p></p><p>Another thing I have learned is that when you say something more than once...you are trying to control the situation. And we all know trying to control people, places and things just does...not...work.</p><p></p><p>But that doesn't mean I didn't agonize over it. Here, I was doing this supremely hard thing in growing fits and starts, but my ex was continuing the helping damage. Ugh. It was hard, but it was one more thing I had to let go of, and realize that once again, I don't have the answers, I don't know what is right for other people to do, and maybe something good would come of it.</p><p></p><p>Humility. That is another important lesson I am continuing to learn. All of these lessons work together. All of them, and they come in bits and pieces, and in the midst of chaos and fear and pain and incredible sorrow. </p><p></p><p>Thankfully, they still come, if we are open to learning a new way of behaving, thinking and living. If we work at it. If we use tools every single day to change the neuron patterns in our own brains.</p><p></p><p>Today, my ex-husband has stopped much of his enabling. I have too. I use the word "much" deliberately. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be at this or anything else in my life. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child has been out of jail now for six months---will be six months Dec. 26. He has no new charges. He is on probation at the county level and state level. He is working the two jobs, paying for his own apartment. He is making progress. Often, like me, his progress is two steps forward and 10 back, and he continues to make what I believe are bad decisions for his own life, but again, I am reminded that it is HIS LIFE, not my life, and I have no magic or crystal ball to see his future. </p><p></p><p>I must continue to turn him (and his whole life) over to God/my Higher Power/whatever force is greater than myself, and trust that he is on his own life journey and I can't know the twists and turns that will and should take.</p><p></p><p>And I can look at my own boundaries with him and his life, and work to make sure they are healthy boundaries, and adjust them as need be, so that I can maintain my own sanity, my own peace, my own serenity, regardless of events and actions and statements he may make to me, or his girlfriend may make to me. It's just not my monkey, not my circus anymore.</p><p></p><p>I pray every day for continuing progress along this path, also realizing that I will and can relapse myself. I love my son very much and his life has so far turned out to be so incredibly different from what I ever dreamed of for him.</p><p></p><p>That's life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 642584, member: 17542"] Hope, I know how profoundly frustrating (despairing, annoying, back-breaking...) it is to finally "get it" about enabling, at least intellectually, which is how you "get it" at first, only to watch someone else continue the sick cycle. After years in Al-Anon, I finally started to intellectually understand that my help, as Scott G. said so well above, wasn't help at all. In fact, it was a huge hindrance, and further, a huge roadblock and barrier for him to even start to figure out his own life. I had been enabling my son for years, but I couldn't see it. Then, even after I "got it" intellectually, and was working hard on having a growing understanding of all of the ways I was not helping, and then praying for a way forward, because "if I don't do THAT anymore, what DO I DO?" also took up a lot of my time and energy. It has taken a whole whole lot of work and a lot of missteps, some of which continue today, but fewer and fewer, thankfully, still. During this time of working on myself so hard, my ex-husband, difficult child's dad, continued to enable him mightily. One or two times, I tried to share what I was learning, but he was very caught up in his own guilt about being an alcoholic himself---recovering now---and also confused about what is said in AA about one alcoholic helping another, always. I could see how conflicted he was, and I didn't push after having one or two conversations about it. Another thing I have learned is that when you say something more than once...you are trying to control the situation. And we all know trying to control people, places and things just does...not...work. But that doesn't mean I didn't agonize over it. Here, I was doing this supremely hard thing in growing fits and starts, but my ex was continuing the helping damage. Ugh. It was hard, but it was one more thing I had to let go of, and realize that once again, I don't have the answers, I don't know what is right for other people to do, and maybe something good would come of it. Humility. That is another important lesson I am continuing to learn. All of these lessons work together. All of them, and they come in bits and pieces, and in the midst of chaos and fear and pain and incredible sorrow. Thankfully, they still come, if we are open to learning a new way of behaving, thinking and living. If we work at it. If we use tools every single day to change the neuron patterns in our own brains. Today, my ex-husband has stopped much of his enabling. I have too. I use the word "much" deliberately. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be at this or anything else in my life. My difficult child has been out of jail now for six months---will be six months Dec. 26. He has no new charges. He is on probation at the county level and state level. He is working the two jobs, paying for his own apartment. He is making progress. Often, like me, his progress is two steps forward and 10 back, and he continues to make what I believe are bad decisions for his own life, but again, I am reminded that it is HIS LIFE, not my life, and I have no magic or crystal ball to see his future. I must continue to turn him (and his whole life) over to God/my Higher Power/whatever force is greater than myself, and trust that he is on his own life journey and I can't know the twists and turns that will and should take. And I can look at my own boundaries with him and his life, and work to make sure they are healthy boundaries, and adjust them as need be, so that I can maintain my own sanity, my own peace, my own serenity, regardless of events and actions and statements he may make to me, or his girlfriend may make to me. It's just not my monkey, not my circus anymore. I pray every day for continuing progress along this path, also realizing that I will and can relapse myself. I love my son very much and his life has so far turned out to be so incredibly different from what I ever dreamed of for him. That's life. [/QUOTE]
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