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Can't vs Won't
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747286" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Much of what you write pertains to my own 30 year old son. I have wondered and I have been told, too, that he is incapable. But the thing is this: he is capable of finding weed. He is capable of living on the street and so far, staying alive and out of jail or prison, and independent of a gang. He is capable of maintaining long-term friendships. He is capable of securing long-term help (for example, 2 plus years in a near luxury beachfront motel, without payment.) Some of this, I am incapable of securing and maintaining.</p><p>My son has both brain damage and mental illness.</p><p>I have the same problem.</p><p>My son qualifies for help. And yet I believe he is playing the system. And I believe the system is enabling him.</p><p></p><p>The thing is this: Your son is responsible for himself. From what you have written he would not qualify for guardianship. Are you really ready to tether yourself to him as guardian? Do you really believe another person could do this in such a way that would work and satisfy your son? Your son has civil rights. He has a right to not live in the way you choose, or in a way that would diminish your concern or anxiety. After all he is an adult.</p><p></p><p>Your son has a significant and long-term drug habit, from what you post. Is this not the most likely explanation for his stunted behavior and inability to thrive or to mature? Sometimes the simple and obvious answer fits the best. Or maybe he is mentally ill, too. Like my son.</p><p></p><p>But what are you going to do? These men have to learn to handle their own lives. Yes. They may never choose to stop using drugs. They may never choose to live within the system in a way that is conventional or even safe. They may never mature to resemble what we hoped they would and they may never want to or be able to live as we do. </p><p></p><p>The thing is, unless they are dangerous or disabled to the extent that they are hazardous to others or unable to maintain activities of daily living sufficient to feed and clothe themselves, keep themselves minimally clean, it is really none of our business or anybody else's. </p><p></p><p>This is very, very hard for a mother to accept. But what choice do we have?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747286, member: 18958"] Much of what you write pertains to my own 30 year old son. I have wondered and I have been told, too, that he is incapable. But the thing is this: he is capable of finding weed. He is capable of living on the street and so far, staying alive and out of jail or prison, and independent of a gang. He is capable of maintaining long-term friendships. He is capable of securing long-term help (for example, 2 plus years in a near luxury beachfront motel, without payment.) Some of this, I am incapable of securing and maintaining. My son has both brain damage and mental illness. I have the same problem. My son qualifies for help. And yet I believe he is playing the system. And I believe the system is enabling him. The thing is this: Your son is responsible for himself. From what you have written he would not qualify for guardianship. Are you really ready to tether yourself to him as guardian? Do you really believe another person could do this in such a way that would work and satisfy your son? Your son has civil rights. He has a right to not live in the way you choose, or in a way that would diminish your concern or anxiety. After all he is an adult. Your son has a significant and long-term drug habit, from what you post. Is this not the most likely explanation for his stunted behavior and inability to thrive or to mature? Sometimes the simple and obvious answer fits the best. Or maybe he is mentally ill, too. Like my son. But what are you going to do? These men have to learn to handle their own lives. Yes. They may never choose to stop using drugs. They may never choose to live within the system in a way that is conventional or even safe. They may never mature to resemble what we hoped they would and they may never want to or be able to live as we do. The thing is, unless they are dangerous or disabled to the extent that they are hazardous to others or unable to maintain activities of daily living sufficient to feed and clothe themselves, keep themselves minimally clean, it is really none of our business or anybody else's. This is very, very hard for a mother to accept. But what choice do we have? [/QUOTE]
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