jftoday. i hope very much that is was not me who judged and hurt you.
i have struggled with much of the same in my life. i was bullied by a younger sister. Not to the extreme you describe, but bad enough. My mother defended my sister and did not believe me. My sister invented stories and I was beaten and treated sadistically by my stepfather. treated harshly by my mother. I was all all alone. i had no self- confidence. No sense of value as a person. No awareness of boundaries and that I could protect myselfor was worth it.
The only reason I was driven to succeed was to establish I had value enough to be loved. To establish I deserved something by virtue of achieving. Without it i was nothing. Of course i see the futility of this.
Still, I have a despair, a yearning, something that feels broken within me. I always was aware of my biography. But I warded off the feelings.
Now that i am old the chickens have come home to roost. There is no running anymore. nowhere to go. to hide. no more dreams. i am the effect of my whole life.
I am been hurt by somebody here. One thing I have realized is that i can only be hurt where i have not healed. So by this i mean i have to collaborate to feel the wound. I have to take it to heart in order to feel the blow.
Somebody that has posted here said she felt it was like going to starbucks and shouting out one's problems. And permitting anybody to take a shot no matter what their motivation or their own self-awareness. There is truth to this but it is not the whole truth
There is great wisdom here and courage and nobility, strength and love. Your post is all of this. The voices on this thread come from this place.
By reading your post I was able to see more, feel more, some of the truth of my own life.
Thank you
