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College age son is successful in some areas but is doing drugs
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 541130"><p>WMSB - I could've written your post(s) word for word. My now 20y/o son WAS a bright, well rounded, wonderful young man with a delightful girlfriend at a good school with whom we were very close. He was my shining star, my sweet boy, the kid I felt I really connected with - and I was so sure that he was heading off to a bright future when we dropped him off at school his freshman year. It turns out that he was NOT someone who could use marijuana just casually/socially. (if you click on my user name, and read the "about me" you will get a good synopsis of my situation with my beloved boy)</p><p></p><p>I've taken my time answering your post because I have two trains of thought and they contradict each other greatly. And I haven't been able to choose between them - so I am giving you both of them. So, maybe not advise but just food for thought:</p><p></p><p>1)</p><p>I have said that if my son could "fly" his marijuana use under the radar, I would likely look the other way. I am not a fan of pot. Tried it, hated it, it was kinda a deal breaker for me with my friends, even bfs when I was younger and around it more often. Just not my thing, and I am far from being a goody goody. The smell, the daze, the way it didn't wear off immediately was a big turn off for me. And being the only unaltered person in a group of high people is AWFUL and BORING. That said, I knew a lot of kids who could use it and excel in life and school. A lot of kids who left it behind shortly after college and continued on to greater things. And I know a few very successful adults who are apparently stoners (if local gossip is to be believed.) Plus, it turns out two of my friends husbands use it regularly. While my response is ICK - both of these men are very successful, well respected executives. Crazy. So, I think if I had an inkling that my kid was using - BUT - it was not having an ill effect on his grades OR his life -- I would be tempted to write it off.</p><p></p><p>2) </p><p>That said, my kid COULD NOT fly it under the radar. Partially because he has addictive tenancies and in part because (like you) we became hyper vigilant. His grades began to fall, he had a positive drug test. His personality started to swing. He started to lie. He started to hang out with iffy people. He started lowering his standards in all aspects of life. He started spending a LOT less time at home. 75% of the time he was doing a good job of being "that sweet boy" but it was a lot of all talk and less show. I think that my H and I knew something was up and yet we couldn't put a finger on it. ALL of his behavior could be explained away as typical college "first summer home" growing pains and YET...we knew it was something more. Honestly, we just wanted to get him back to school and we swept a lot under the rug. He rented an off campus apartment for his sophomore year WITHOUT our knowledge (so they could drink & smoke away from the watchful eye of the campus police/RA) and his roommate was a proud partier. He found a way to explain it and we bought his excuses/reasoning even though they didn't wash. The last step (a few days before he was to leave) was when I found his internet purchase of a large quantity of marijuana paraphernalia to be shipped to his new apt. We pulled the (financial) plug,asked him to stay home, get counseling, go to school locally and he balked, went anyway and failed out of school in the fall semester. We had that same conversation (stay home, get help, go to school locally...) over Christmas Break when he "came home" for 6 weeks and he balked again and left. He went back to live in his college town though he were still a student. He is back in town for the summer but not staying here and apparently he is couch surfing. Our weekly interactions have been friendly - even warm - but he is still very much estranged. (His girlfriend is probably his primary enabler though she is a nice girl and does not use afaik.)</p><p></p><p>So, for me -- the purchase of the large quantity of paraphernalia was the deal breaker - but we were close to our breaking point then. If he had a 4.0 (instead of a 2.2) at the close of his first year - I may have been less inclined to draw that line in the sand. ("stay home, get help...") That said, by the time it reached that point, it had gone too far, his use had gone on too long and he was unwilling to listen to us and we fractured our family.</p><p></p><p>There is my dilemma. A big part of me wants to tell you to look the other way - that he sounds like he can handle it...BUT...a big part of me wants to tell you to GET HIM HELP and SET SOME GUIDELINES while he is still receptive -- before he is too lost. The "meth using roommate" scares me to death. You have 6-8 weeks before your son goes back to school? I'd try a lot of sessions in counseling - him alone plus family sessions and see where it goes. Get the counselor's advice. I don't know, I wish we had intervened sooner.</p><p></p><p>I know I am giving contradicting advice, I wish I had an answer. I wish I could have looked the other way with my boy and at the same time - I know that we SHOULD have intervened sooner. </p><p></p><p>Listen to your intuition. I don't know you - but my guess is that if you are posting here, googling for advice (that's how I found this board!) you know in your heart that he is at risk. Follow your inner voice.</p><p></p><p>{{{hugs}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 541130"] WMSB - I could've written your post(s) word for word. My now 20y/o son WAS a bright, well rounded, wonderful young man with a delightful girlfriend at a good school with whom we were very close. He was my shining star, my sweet boy, the kid I felt I really connected with - and I was so sure that he was heading off to a bright future when we dropped him off at school his freshman year. It turns out that he was NOT someone who could use marijuana just casually/socially. (if you click on my user name, and read the "about me" you will get a good synopsis of my situation with my beloved boy) I've taken my time answering your post because I have two trains of thought and they contradict each other greatly. And I haven't been able to choose between them - so I am giving you both of them. So, maybe not advise but just food for thought: 1) I have said that if my son could "fly" his marijuana use under the radar, I would likely look the other way. I am not a fan of pot. Tried it, hated it, it was kinda a deal breaker for me with my friends, even bfs when I was younger and around it more often. Just not my thing, and I am far from being a goody goody. The smell, the daze, the way it didn't wear off immediately was a big turn off for me. And being the only unaltered person in a group of high people is AWFUL and BORING. That said, I knew a lot of kids who could use it and excel in life and school. A lot of kids who left it behind shortly after college and continued on to greater things. And I know a few very successful adults who are apparently stoners (if local gossip is to be believed.) Plus, it turns out two of my friends husbands use it regularly. While my response is ICK - both of these men are very successful, well respected executives. Crazy. So, I think if I had an inkling that my kid was using - BUT - it was not having an ill effect on his grades OR his life -- I would be tempted to write it off. 2) That said, my kid COULD NOT fly it under the radar. Partially because he has addictive tenancies and in part because (like you) we became hyper vigilant. His grades began to fall, he had a positive drug test. His personality started to swing. He started to lie. He started to hang out with iffy people. He started lowering his standards in all aspects of life. He started spending a LOT less time at home. 75% of the time he was doing a good job of being "that sweet boy" but it was a lot of all talk and less show. I think that my H and I knew something was up and yet we couldn't put a finger on it. ALL of his behavior could be explained away as typical college "first summer home" growing pains and YET...we knew it was something more. Honestly, we just wanted to get him back to school and we swept a lot under the rug. He rented an off campus apartment for his sophomore year WITHOUT our knowledge (so they could drink & smoke away from the watchful eye of the campus police/RA) and his roommate was a proud partier. He found a way to explain it and we bought his excuses/reasoning even though they didn't wash. The last step (a few days before he was to leave) was when I found his internet purchase of a large quantity of marijuana paraphernalia to be shipped to his new apt. We pulled the (financial) plug,asked him to stay home, get counseling, go to school locally and he balked, went anyway and failed out of school in the fall semester. We had that same conversation (stay home, get help, go to school locally...) over Christmas Break when he "came home" for 6 weeks and he balked again and left. He went back to live in his college town though he were still a student. He is back in town for the summer but not staying here and apparently he is couch surfing. Our weekly interactions have been friendly - even warm - but he is still very much estranged. (His girlfriend is probably his primary enabler though she is a nice girl and does not use afaik.) So, for me -- the purchase of the large quantity of paraphernalia was the deal breaker - but we were close to our breaking point then. If he had a 4.0 (instead of a 2.2) at the close of his first year - I may have been less inclined to draw that line in the sand. ("stay home, get help...") That said, by the time it reached that point, it had gone too far, his use had gone on too long and he was unwilling to listen to us and we fractured our family. There is my dilemma. A big part of me wants to tell you to look the other way - that he sounds like he can handle it...BUT...a big part of me wants to tell you to GET HIM HELP and SET SOME GUIDELINES while he is still receptive -- before he is too lost. The "meth using roommate" scares me to death. You have 6-8 weeks before your son goes back to school? I'd try a lot of sessions in counseling - him alone plus family sessions and see where it goes. Get the counselor's advice. I don't know, I wish we had intervened sooner. I know I am giving contradicting advice, I wish I had an answer. I wish I could have looked the other way with my boy and at the same time - I know that we SHOULD have intervened sooner. Listen to your intuition. I don't know you - but my guess is that if you are posting here, googling for advice (that's how I found this board!) you know in your heart that he is at risk. Follow your inner voice. {{{hugs}}} [/QUOTE]
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College age son is successful in some areas but is doing drugs
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