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Coping with addicted, homeless adult daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764896" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Dad34,</p><p>Welcome to the forum, and so sorry for your need to be here. It is good to be able to write out our stories and receive kind responses from parents who are experiencing similar challenges. </p><p></p><p>My two used to play the blame game, it is much easier to shift responsibility for bad choices on others. Recently in a rare sober moment, the younger of my two told me that her and her sisters’ choice to use was <em>on them</em>. Period. In the early years of dealing with this, I spent many days soul searching my parenting mistakes and wishing I could turn back time. We are only human and do the best we can with our circumstances at the time. Guilt becomes our adversary in dealing with adult children’s addiction, and boy do they know how to weaponize that. </p><p></p><p>I can trace both my wayward daughter’s struggles with choices back to middle school. It’s a hard heartbreaking journey. We try with all our might to stop the train wreck, then they grow to adults and shifting those gears to focus on what is within our control, is a difficult transition.</p><p></p><p>I’m sorry for your pain and aching heart. We’ve had those calls too, or visits. Always a crisis. We went into rescue mode for a few years, but then realized it was “just another Tuesday” for them. All that heart break, worry, time, money for them to continue as is. </p><p></p><p>It is especially difficult when our wayward adult kids turn a corner for a bit, then relapse. It feels like having the rug pulled out from under us. Dealing with our own aging parents, illness and passing, coupled with the heartache of living with the reality of actively using addicted loved ones is a huge hit to the gut.</p><p></p><p>I am right there with you. Except that I know I cannot rescue my two. They have to want to be sober and work for it. It is a learning curve for sure. I have to say that my last interaction with my two was difficult, the eldest, Rain hospitalized with another leg infection, her sister Tornado, in court ordered rehab and “talking the talk.” I visited Rain who I don’t often see as she is homeless, and will most likely lose that leg if she continues as is. Tornado in a moment of clarity said that she learned in class that continued use results in “death or jail.” That “I cannot take responsibility for addicts choices.” So different than her usual “I am this way because of you.”</p><p>Then, she broke rules at her clean and sober house and went back to the streets and using meth. Gulp. I was so, so sad, and then felt manipulated and duped, again. I have to measure my contact with my two very carefully, because although I don’t go as close to the rabbit hole as in the past, the sadness engulfs me and affects my health. I totally get the not hearing from your daughter being somewhat easier. </p><p></p><p>I’m pretty sure the same goes for my two after years of meth use. They have definitely altered their brains. </p><p></p><p>It is overwhelming. I am at the moment sifting through years of photos, rearranging and downsizing into albums. It is something I have been needing to do for years, but didn’t want to go down that memory lane because I was too distraught and caught up with my twos choices. It has actually become a healing exercise for me, because I can reaffirm my belief that my children were a gift from God, on loan to me to raise up to adult age. When they reach the age of choice, those choices belong to them. When I hit that overwhelm, a few years back, seeing all of the time I spent trying to save them, to no avail, I asked God to watch over them, because it is too much for me to bear. It has saved me on many occasions to let go and let God. I have also realized that with each impending challenge, I need to allow myself that initial reaction of sorrow and grief, to process it, so that it doesn’t fester within. CD and the kind understanding folks here have been an incredible help with that. </p><p></p><p>It is so important to be able to refocus our attention on what we can control, ourselves. We have absolutely no say in what our adult kids choices are. You have your own life to live. Learning to live well despite the consequences our wayward adult kids face is critical for us and them. We are their first teachers and wish for them to live well. We can model that with our own behavior, setting appropriate boundaries and following through. It does us and them no good to fall to pieces over their choices, or allow them to abuse us. </p><p></p><p>It is a daily practice. We used to have a staff member whose name was “Recovering Enabler”. That speaks volumes to our own challenge living with this reality. We have our own recovery to work on. May God give us strength each day to not only cope, but to find our peace. </p><p>Hugs and love</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764896, member: 19522"] Hi Dad34, Welcome to the forum, and so sorry for your need to be here. It is good to be able to write out our stories and receive kind responses from parents who are experiencing similar challenges. My two used to play the blame game, it is much easier to shift responsibility for bad choices on others. Recently in a rare sober moment, the younger of my two told me that her and her sisters’ choice to use was [I]on them[/I]. Period. In the early years of dealing with this, I spent many days soul searching my parenting mistakes and wishing I could turn back time. We are only human and do the best we can with our circumstances at the time. Guilt becomes our adversary in dealing with adult children’s addiction, and boy do they know how to weaponize that. I can trace both my wayward daughter’s struggles with choices back to middle school. It’s a hard heartbreaking journey. We try with all our might to stop the train wreck, then they grow to adults and shifting those gears to focus on what is within our control, is a difficult transition. I’m sorry for your pain and aching heart. We’ve had those calls too, or visits. Always a crisis. We went into rescue mode for a few years, but then realized it was “just another Tuesday” for them. All that heart break, worry, time, money for them to continue as is. It is especially difficult when our wayward adult kids turn a corner for a bit, then relapse. It feels like having the rug pulled out from under us. Dealing with our own aging parents, illness and passing, coupled with the heartache of living with the reality of actively using addicted loved ones is a huge hit to the gut. I am right there with you. Except that I know I cannot rescue my two. They have to want to be sober and work for it. It is a learning curve for sure. I have to say that my last interaction with my two was difficult, the eldest, Rain hospitalized with another leg infection, her sister Tornado, in court ordered rehab and “talking the talk.” I visited Rain who I don’t often see as she is homeless, and will most likely lose that leg if she continues as is. Tornado in a moment of clarity said that she learned in class that continued use results in “death or jail.” That “I cannot take responsibility for addicts choices.” So different than her usual “I am this way because of you.” Then, she broke rules at her clean and sober house and went back to the streets and using meth. Gulp. I was so, so sad, and then felt manipulated and duped, again. I have to measure my contact with my two very carefully, because although I don’t go as close to the rabbit hole as in the past, the sadness engulfs me and affects my health. I totally get the not hearing from your daughter being somewhat easier. I’m pretty sure the same goes for my two after years of meth use. They have definitely altered their brains. It is overwhelming. I am at the moment sifting through years of photos, rearranging and downsizing into albums. It is something I have been needing to do for years, but didn’t want to go down that memory lane because I was too distraught and caught up with my twos choices. It has actually become a healing exercise for me, because I can reaffirm my belief that my children were a gift from God, on loan to me to raise up to adult age. When they reach the age of choice, those choices belong to them. When I hit that overwhelm, a few years back, seeing all of the time I spent trying to save them, to no avail, I asked God to watch over them, because it is too much for me to bear. It has saved me on many occasions to let go and let God. I have also realized that with each impending challenge, I need to allow myself that initial reaction of sorrow and grief, to process it, so that it doesn’t fester within. CD and the kind understanding folks here have been an incredible help with that. It is so important to be able to refocus our attention on what we can control, ourselves. We have absolutely no say in what our adult kids choices are. You have your own life to live. Learning to live well despite the consequences our wayward adult kids face is critical for us and them. We are their first teachers and wish for them to live well. We can model that with our own behavior, setting appropriate boundaries and following through. It does us and them no good to fall to pieces over their choices, or allow them to abuse us. It is a daily practice. We used to have a staff member whose name was “Recovering Enabler”. That speaks volumes to our own challenge living with this reality. We have our own recovery to work on. May God give us strength each day to not only cope, but to find our peace. Hugs and love New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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