Reply to thread

Message: <blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 765813" data-attributes="member: 18958">ksm. This is heartbreaking.Dad, I don't know what to say here. You know this is self-flagellation. You're human. Can you forgive yourself for that?I used to take the train to meet my son in the large metro where he is homeless most of the time. Never one time did he meet me where or when he said he would. At best I would buy myself a glass of wine and have a sandwich. Six hours back and forth. Then I caught a clue. My son lives as he chooses. Period. I am not obligated to go out of my way to stay connected. Especially if he is unpleasant.Lately, he and I have been talking about this. (Fast forward 4 or 5 years)  At first, he tried expressing anger at me. Kind of self-pitying anger. Such as, "I've burnt my bridges and you don't love me anymore."  I replied, "I do love you but I find the way you live and sometimes the way you treat me, to be very hard to bear."  In the latest phone call, he said something like this, "One of us is going to die at some point, don't you ever want to see each other?"  I replied, "You bring up a good point.  That you don't get treatment for your liver is one example of how you live being hurtful to me. In the same phone call he said, "Can I sleep in the garage?" I said, "no. That is what I mean. to me, people sleep in beds in bedrooms. They don't sleep in yards or laundry rooms or garages or on the street. It is uncomfortable for me, and it makes me sad and upset to have to deal with behavior that is so contrary to my values and expectations."I don't know if I am right or wrong, but I will tell you it feels way better to get responsibility outside of myself. It is okay in my book to not want to be around another adult who lives in a disordered way. I can hold that value and I can hold that boundary. It has nothing to do with love. I do not think it's wrong to stand up for ourselves. I don't think we need to throw ourselves on our swords.   You did not make your daughter an addict. It is some combination of predisposition, vulnerability, chance, and choice. Another way to put it is this is her life path. And the meaning of her life is to respond in the very best way she can to her circumstances and dig her way out of it to move forward to have a productive life and be a loving person. There is free choice.Today a woman I know told me her 55-year-old son who has been an alcoholic since he was 10 years old stopped drinking. A lifelong atheist (my patient is a devout catholic) he told his Mom, I decided I didn't want to drink anymore and I asked G-d to help me. I am turning to G-d for help. Miracles _happen. But often parents of adults, need to get out of the way.If you feel the need to do penance, it's between you and G-d. It has nothing to do with your daughter. I say that with love in my heart.</blockquote>

Verification