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Coping with adult daughter Borderline (BPD)
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<blockquote data-quote="Mabel" data-source="post: 716762" data-attributes="member: 22165"><p>Hi Kathryn & all,</p><p></p><p>I have been reading your posts and a few years ago the book recommended 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' helped me enormously in dealing with my only daughter who is 40 with two children. Since puberty I found her impossible to deal with and then a year after she became a single mother my husband died suddenly. After that I went through hell for years and then she split up the family in an impossible row with a new daughter in law who somehow she focussed all her hate on. She fell out with her brother , one of three and the two others just about tolerate her keeping in touch with them. It is almost impossible to comm unicate with her reasonably about anything. The book got me through the last few years and there is peace between us but I worry so much for my grandkids. The eldest had a hard childhood dealing with the unpredictability of her mother's outbursts and being the target for blame. I just cannot tell you the hell we have been through. Anyway I had the son living with me for the last five years , him , his wife and my five year old grandchild. They spoiled me rotten and we respected each other and they are so appreciative for me having shared my home with them while they studied and upgraded their education. Now they are starting jobs and are moving out into their own home. The thing is that I have a peaceful relationship with my daughter which I always kept open in order to be in touch with my grandchildren. She hinted once or twice that she should have been able to move in with me if they were not there. Well now I find I am panic stricken about telling her they are moving out because I know she may ask if she can move in. She has decided to retrain as a barrister at law and will be studying hard which means the kids will be at a loss. Mind you her daughter is 20 and her son is 10. His Dad was killed in a tragic accident when he was 3. My daughter is comfortably off but e rratic and has different priorities for example, took the kids on a world cruise taking the boy out of school for a year and came home with nowhere to live and shacked up with friends for a week here and there and so on. She bought me a gift of a fabulous holiday myself and had a wonderful time but signed up for the two year barrister course without having the fees. She is successful at most endeavours and is extremely creative. She owns two houses but lets them when she wants to make money. Anyhow to cut a long rigmarole of a snippet of a story down to size - I feel I have no choice but to say yes to her if she asks to move in with me. She will say she will pay me expenses but can't be trusted to repay anything or do anything for me. Maybe for others but never for me. I am putting myself under pressure, knowing my grandchildren would adore to come and live with me for a year , to have a stable life and the pressure I feel is that she is my only daughter , I did it for my son so I should be able to do it for her too at least once more before I die (well you never know!) and she has always maintained I never loved her as much as the lads. She may not want to move in but if my instincts are right the minute she hears her brother is moving out, she will jump to ask and will promise the world in contributions to household etc. I have a lodger too and I am afraid also because my daughter does not hold back with criticisms or opinions and I need the lodgers rent. Should I offer before she asks? She will be studying. I just want to be prepared and I don't want her to feel hurt any more than she always has - she has had some awful experiences in life and does not need any more rejection. I tried to help heal the rift with her brother but then backed off and accepted it. He is quite happy with her out of his life , he couldn't face the derision anymore. I have a pain developing in my chest at the thought of not having some answer ready or preparation. My sons are very supportive and have warned me but understand that I feel a need to let her live in the family home again once more. Sorry about going on but I have no-one really who understands how a mother of a Borderline (BPD) feels. My daughter denies any fault ever on her part and is so opinionated and so on that everything is every one elses fault. Still , as I have managed to have peace for the last few years can I risk this step??????? Any opinions??</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mabel, post: 716762, member: 22165"] Hi Kathryn & all, I have been reading your posts and a few years ago the book recommended 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' helped me enormously in dealing with my only daughter who is 40 with two children. Since puberty I found her impossible to deal with and then a year after she became a single mother my husband died suddenly. After that I went through hell for years and then she split up the family in an impossible row with a new daughter in law who somehow she focussed all her hate on. She fell out with her brother , one of three and the two others just about tolerate her keeping in touch with them. It is almost impossible to comm unicate with her reasonably about anything. The book got me through the last few years and there is peace between us but I worry so much for my grandkids. The eldest had a hard childhood dealing with the unpredictability of her mother's outbursts and being the target for blame. I just cannot tell you the hell we have been through. Anyway I had the son living with me for the last five years , him , his wife and my five year old grandchild. They spoiled me rotten and we respected each other and they are so appreciative for me having shared my home with them while they studied and upgraded their education. Now they are starting jobs and are moving out into their own home. The thing is that I have a peaceful relationship with my daughter which I always kept open in order to be in touch with my grandchildren. She hinted once or twice that she should have been able to move in with me if they were not there. Well now I find I am panic stricken about telling her they are moving out because I know she may ask if she can move in. She has decided to retrain as a barrister at law and will be studying hard which means the kids will be at a loss. Mind you her daughter is 20 and her son is 10. His Dad was killed in a tragic accident when he was 3. My daughter is comfortably off but e rratic and has different priorities for example, took the kids on a world cruise taking the boy out of school for a year and came home with nowhere to live and shacked up with friends for a week here and there and so on. She bought me a gift of a fabulous holiday myself and had a wonderful time but signed up for the two year barrister course without having the fees. She is successful at most endeavours and is extremely creative. She owns two houses but lets them when she wants to make money. Anyhow to cut a long rigmarole of a snippet of a story down to size - I feel I have no choice but to say yes to her if she asks to move in with me. She will say she will pay me expenses but can't be trusted to repay anything or do anything for me. Maybe for others but never for me. I am putting myself under pressure, knowing my grandchildren would adore to come and live with me for a year , to have a stable life and the pressure I feel is that she is my only daughter , I did it for my son so I should be able to do it for her too at least once more before I die (well you never know!) and she has always maintained I never loved her as much as the lads. She may not want to move in but if my instincts are right the minute she hears her brother is moving out, she will jump to ask and will promise the world in contributions to household etc. I have a lodger too and I am afraid also because my daughter does not hold back with criticisms or opinions and I need the lodgers rent. Should I offer before she asks? She will be studying. I just want to be prepared and I don't want her to feel hurt any more than she always has - she has had some awful experiences in life and does not need any more rejection. I tried to help heal the rift with her brother but then backed off and accepted it. He is quite happy with her out of his life , he couldn't face the derision anymore. I have a pain developing in my chest at the thought of not having some answer ready or preparation. My sons are very supportive and have warned me but understand that I feel a need to let her live in the family home again once more. Sorry about going on but I have no-one really who understands how a mother of a Borderline (BPD) feels. My daughter denies any fault ever on her part and is so opinionated and so on that everything is every one elses fault. Still , as I have managed to have peace for the last few years can I risk this step??????? Any opinions?? [/QUOTE]
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