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Coping with grief after kicking difficult child out
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 628301" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>sadandlost, please don't listen to your therapist. Sometimes therapists are more idealistic than realistic. When he wants to talk about his father, and I think the day will come when that happens, he will come to you and ask about him. Trust me, you will hear from him again. He may be ashamed of what he is involved with now so he doesn't want to be reminded that he was raised with your good values and is violating them. Many of our difficult children go on silent sprees and when they come back, sometimes, because of what they want from us, we wish they'd stayed silent...lol. OH, I k now it's not funny, but if you don't laugh you weep and never stop.</p><p></p><p>sad, it does not matter if your ex-boyfriend whom I will now refer to as psychiatric, if you don't mind, is ostracized from your family of origin. This is not about them. It's about you, YOUR journey, and all you need is for YOURSELF to cut him out of your life like a bad cancer. If others want to engage him or can't see what he is like, that will be their sorrow in the future as psychopaths WANT something from anyone they are involved in.</p><p></p><p>It is kind of scary he is a PI and can actually mess with people's private lives, but, as you found out, not everyone will cooperate with him. I give big kudos to your hubby's ex for refusing to bash him to Psycho.</p><p></p><p>Your son is on the very young side of difficult child land and I totally believe that the younger you deal with your difficult children and get tough with them, the more of a chance there is that they will think hard and turn it around. I am everlastingly grateful that I dealt with a daughter who took serious drugs at age eighteen and made her leave. I cried for three straight weeks. I was nonfunctional. Her last words to me were "I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER." But once she talked her a**** brother into taking her into his basement, and trust me he is harsher than us and a very cold person, she moved out of state, spent a lot of time alone, met her boyfriend of now elevin years and gave up the drugs and we are very close. My own opinion, which is probably not shared by everyone, is the younger you show them that they can't count on you to enable illegal or disrespectful or verbally/physically aggressive behavior, the longer they have to think about it before they turn thirty years old and then it is a way of life. I did not deal with my 36 year old early enough and he is still a child in a man's body, not able to make a single decision on his own without Mommy, often abusing Mommy if he doesn't like what I say so we have long periods of silence, which are perpetrated by ME. It alarms me that a 36 year old can need his mother so much. But he isn't nice about needing me. He is often very cruel and, when younger, could get very aggressive. Although we did make him leave, he lived in hotels, paid for by his father, so he never suffered homelessness per se and his dad, my ex, bought a two bedroom condo just so that 36 had a place to stay. It didn't work out well at all for 36. Or for ex as difficult child shoved him around when angry and ex has always had a disease and is frail and NOBODY should push him around let alone a son of his who had a home due to his father's kindness, but such is the mindset of many of our difficult children. They don't see wrong as wrong.</p><p></p><p>You need to, in my opinion, respectfully disengage from your family, their opinions, who they like, who they don't like and what they think of you. This is hard to do alone which is why I suggested help.</p><p></p><p>My own layperson, non therapist opinion is to not try to talk to your son about anything right now. He is probably in anger mode and will lash out at you and blame you about the irrational. He is not the only child who tragically lost a parent to death and not all of them act out like he is. Your son is unique and his choices, like all our difficult children choices, are his own.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and love for that hurting mommy heart that still beats...but with so much pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 628301, member: 1550"] sadandlost, please don't listen to your therapist. Sometimes therapists are more idealistic than realistic. When he wants to talk about his father, and I think the day will come when that happens, he will come to you and ask about him. Trust me, you will hear from him again. He may be ashamed of what he is involved with now so he doesn't want to be reminded that he was raised with your good values and is violating them. Many of our difficult children go on silent sprees and when they come back, sometimes, because of what they want from us, we wish they'd stayed silent...lol. OH, I k now it's not funny, but if you don't laugh you weep and never stop. sad, it does not matter if your ex-boyfriend whom I will now refer to as psychiatric, if you don't mind, is ostracized from your family of origin. This is not about them. It's about you, YOUR journey, and all you need is for YOURSELF to cut him out of your life like a bad cancer. If others want to engage him or can't see what he is like, that will be their sorrow in the future as psychopaths WANT something from anyone they are involved in. It is kind of scary he is a PI and can actually mess with people's private lives, but, as you found out, not everyone will cooperate with him. I give big kudos to your hubby's ex for refusing to bash him to Psycho. Your son is on the very young side of difficult child land and I totally believe that the younger you deal with your difficult children and get tough with them, the more of a chance there is that they will think hard and turn it around. I am everlastingly grateful that I dealt with a daughter who took serious drugs at age eighteen and made her leave. I cried for three straight weeks. I was nonfunctional. Her last words to me were "I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER." But once she talked her a**** brother into taking her into his basement, and trust me he is harsher than us and a very cold person, she moved out of state, spent a lot of time alone, met her boyfriend of now elevin years and gave up the drugs and we are very close. My own opinion, which is probably not shared by everyone, is the younger you show them that they can't count on you to enable illegal or disrespectful or verbally/physically aggressive behavior, the longer they have to think about it before they turn thirty years old and then it is a way of life. I did not deal with my 36 year old early enough and he is still a child in a man's body, not able to make a single decision on his own without Mommy, often abusing Mommy if he doesn't like what I say so we have long periods of silence, which are perpetrated by ME. It alarms me that a 36 year old can need his mother so much. But he isn't nice about needing me. He is often very cruel and, when younger, could get very aggressive. Although we did make him leave, he lived in hotels, paid for by his father, so he never suffered homelessness per se and his dad, my ex, bought a two bedroom condo just so that 36 had a place to stay. It didn't work out well at all for 36. Or for ex as difficult child shoved him around when angry and ex has always had a disease and is frail and NOBODY should push him around let alone a son of his who had a home due to his father's kindness, but such is the mindset of many of our difficult children. They don't see wrong as wrong. You need to, in my opinion, respectfully disengage from your family, their opinions, who they like, who they don't like and what they think of you. This is hard to do alone which is why I suggested help. My own layperson, non therapist opinion is to not try to talk to your son about anything right now. He is probably in anger mode and will lash out at you and blame you about the irrational. He is not the only child who tragically lost a parent to death and not all of them act out like he is. Your son is unique and his choices, like all our difficult children choices, are his own. Hugs and love for that hurting mommy heart that still beats...but with so much pain. [/QUOTE]
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