Your very welcome SeaGenie, it has been helpful to me to respond , I am writing to myself as much as I am to you. At least if anything comes of all of this pain, our experiences might help someone else?
There is always hope, but we have to be realistic about the timing of it. Your son may turn around, he may not. We have to learn to refocus our energy to something productive and up-lifting. Our difficult children would have us believing that we should take care of them at the drop of a hat, while at the same time, berating and abusing us.
This is unacceptable.
It is a cop out. My daughter is so moody and unapproachable. She is walled up with anger. The only time I hear her laugh is when she is high, or on the phone with friends. Other wise she is a time bomb ticking. It keeps everyone on eggshells around her, including her poor children. It is like a constant, prolonged tantrum. It is ugly and selfish. Did I raise her to be this way? NOOOOOO! Is it drugs-most certainly, but I also think the drugs have damaged her brain and her mindset. She always says "I only smoke pot", but the pot now a days seems different than the stuff we dabbled with in the 70's. It is really foul smelling and highly addictive. I think dealers mix stuff in it to keep people on it. What I do know is if my daughter is not high, she is miserable, and makes everyone around her suffer.
Blame game- don't fall for it. He wants you to focus on yourself and get stuck there, so you won't be looking realistically at him and his actions. Blame/shame can be hypnotic, it is immobilizing. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
UGH. Had this happen to me. Here we are being responsible, doing the daily grind, going to work, while these imbeciles are disrespecting all we have worked for, inviting God knows who over and partying in our house. I needed to keep that picture in my mind, to see what my adult difficult children were doing, taking complete advantage of me, my son, my house, my husband. It is a disgusting abuse of love. It is akin to domestic abuse. Like women who stay in abusive relationships, we think we will be able to "fix" our adult kids. They don't want to be fixed. They want to keep doing what they are doing. They want to walk all over us, and then expect us to keep picking up the pieces.. Well, of course we get angry, we are only human. We try to go through the motions, pick ourselves up and go to work, pay the bills, stuffing down the ugly that is happening with these adult toddlers. Then it hits with the next ridiculous calamity, it hits hard and all of that stuffing, that numbing, that "but this is my child" built up from our toenails boils over, everyone has their limits.
YAY! Isn't that a wonderful feeling? Ride on that. The sadness will come and go. The examining will continue, it is inevitable. You will get stronger. You MUST get stronger.
In the grip of drugs and influence of like minded friends, he is a danger to your sanity and your safety.
I think of all the stuff my kids have said, done, "who ARE these people?" I do not recognize them. I did not raise my kids to be value-less, spongers. I would not choose to associate with people like this. I do not wish to have a relationship with my adult difficult children with the choices they make.
So, my dear, quit "stalking" him.
Give him to God, after all, our children are really just on loan to us from him.
Keep praying, it helps. Find something to focus on that gives you peace and joy. Write down some achievable goals. Make a bucket list. Start living your life. Rebuild yourself, change your pattern. Stop worrying. I know it is hard.
Read the detachment article and check off all the points that apply to your relationship with your son.
We have no control over what happens in the future. The only thing we have control over is ourselves and the choices we make.
Praying is good. It is powerful and it helps us to let go and let God.
I pray for both of our sakes, that God give us strength and perseverance, may he help us to see the goodness in ourselves, to work towards peace, to accept that our adult children have to write their own stories and learn from their own mistakes.
God bless SeaGenie get ready for your fabulous weekend. Soak in the suns rays, swim in the beautiful ocean, relax and refresh your weary soul! ((((HUGS))))
