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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741081" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with this (and I also have GOT to stop posting because I have things to do). I am not quite sure why this thread is proving to be so addictive.</p><p></p><p>But I agree with ahhjeez, that the daughter escalated HORRIBLY with this comment. And is very, very wrong. And I would be crushed. Anybody would be crushed.</p><p></p><p>But where are we here?</p><p></p><p>They all sat down as a family to discuss these matters BEFORE the arrangement was effected. There has been a point of communication and trust. And the daughter did accept the responsibility.</p><p></p><p>Yes. The mother feels a history of being disrespected by this daughter, it sounds on the basis of a change of social class, which THE MOTHER enabled )*the good kind), through her parenting and her support.</p><p></p><p>So. What do we do now? The daughter is disrespectful and out of line. She sounds like she may be arrogant and self-satisfied and in some ways to have her values out of whack. </p><p></p><p>The daughter SHOULD apologize. But how do you control that? How do you make somebody decide to accept responsibility and to take the high road?</p><p></p><p>I do not believe that is within my power to do. I can want it, but I cannot make it happen.</p><p></p><p>This mother can insist on an apology. (Which she surely deserves.) Do you really think this will happen? She can wait and wait for it. She can demand it. How do you think this will work out?</p><p></p><p>Or she can basically do this: Recognize her daughter is acting badly. And go from there. She does not have to take on the bad behavior of her daughter. She can rightfully recognize it is not about her. It is about the daughter. It is the daughter's to own (a la the detachment thread.) </p><p></p><p>The idea of asking the daughter how she is doing, and opening up dialog, as Lil suggested, entails responsibility and risk. A strong person could do this. I could not. But I could do it in my head. I could re-focus my thinking and being in me, and I could go about my business, and put the incident behind me (more or less). As mothers we spend an awful lot of time letting water go under the bridge. I do not think this is a bad thing. Letting it go is to not take it on. To not make it a huge deal that continues into the future.</p><p></p><p>The business of daughter's changing and owning her bad, is her own. At 35 years old, a mother cannot do much to effect change. This mother has a lot to gain by letting the water go under the bridge, and letting her daughter own her own behavior and sit with it. She does not have to engage. But doing that, taking the high road, does not take away the hurt and wrongness of this daughter, to say those words to a mother.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741081, member: 18958"] I agree with this (and I also have GOT to stop posting because I have things to do). I am not quite sure why this thread is proving to be so addictive. But I agree with ahhjeez, that the daughter escalated HORRIBLY with this comment. And is very, very wrong. And I would be crushed. Anybody would be crushed. But where are we here? They all sat down as a family to discuss these matters BEFORE the arrangement was effected. There has been a point of communication and trust. And the daughter did accept the responsibility. Yes. The mother feels a history of being disrespected by this daughter, it sounds on the basis of a change of social class, which THE MOTHER enabled )*the good kind), through her parenting and her support. So. What do we do now? The daughter is disrespectful and out of line. She sounds like she may be arrogant and self-satisfied and in some ways to have her values out of whack. The daughter SHOULD apologize. But how do you control that? How do you make somebody decide to accept responsibility and to take the high road? I do not believe that is within my power to do. I can want it, but I cannot make it happen. This mother can insist on an apology. (Which she surely deserves.) Do you really think this will happen? She can wait and wait for it. She can demand it. How do you think this will work out? Or she can basically do this: Recognize her daughter is acting badly. And go from there. She does not have to take on the bad behavior of her daughter. She can rightfully recognize it is not about her. It is about the daughter. It is the daughter's to own (a la the detachment thread.) The idea of asking the daughter how she is doing, and opening up dialog, as Lil suggested, entails responsibility and risk. A strong person could do this. I could not. But I could do it in my head. I could re-focus my thinking and being in me, and I could go about my business, and put the incident behind me (more or less). As mothers we spend an awful lot of time letting water go under the bridge. I do not think this is a bad thing. Letting it go is to not take it on. To not make it a huge deal that continues into the future. The business of daughter's changing and owning her bad, is her own. At 35 years old, a mother cannot do much to effect change. This mother has a lot to gain by letting the water go under the bridge, and letting her daughter own her own behavior and sit with it. She does not have to engage. But doing that, taking the high road, does not take away the hurt and wrongness of this daughter, to say those words to a mother. [/QUOTE]
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