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Family of Origin
"Dad, don't tell them anything about me anymore, even if I'm dying"
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676603" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I agree with you, Serenity. When we accept what is true about our own people ~ that they hurt us, that they don't think well of us, that they talk about us behind our backs and use our confidences as public fodder ~ it really sucks to come to know that those things are true things for us. Everyone else gets to have a mother who isn't out to destroy and take her over and change her into some appendage of herself. </p><p></p><p>Everyone else gets to have a sister.</p><p></p><p>It's like those words are magical.</p><p></p><p>A sister.</p><p></p><p>A <em>mother</em>. A mother who is my mother. I wish I had one with all my heart and I really miss her. And I feel the same about my own sister..but she hurts me, too. She talks about me, too. <em>She even hurt my child.</em></p><p></p><p>We have a hard task ahead of us, trying to assimilate what is real about our Families of Origin. To hear about them, to know they hear about anything to do with us at all, is a strange and haunted feeling.</p><p></p><p>A feeling of betrayal. </p><p></p><p>What I once felt for them, I do not feel, anymore. </p><p></p><p>What I feel for them now is betrayed.</p><p></p><p>Betrayed. </p><p></p><p>I sound like a dork really, but I am <em>so</em> surprised. Everything goes quiet when I get it ~ when I get how my own people have behaved toward me, and around me right in front of my nose, and about me, behind my back. And when I understand how much that matters, I am even more hurt by what all this turns out to have been, and by the ridiculous cheapness of the win, and by how much all of it hurts me.</p><p></p><p>I don't want to think about them, anymore. I certainly don't want to hear anything good about them because I get their motivations now and I don't think they are nice people and it's all too ugly and I think it will never change.</p><p></p><p>So, I would rather hear nothing at all.</p><p></p><p>They no longer deserve to hear any smallest piece about me or my children or my life. They dirty everything they touch. I don't want them interpreting anything about me through their nasty, ugly brains that allow them to accept my hospitality and eat my food and take family pictures at my house while they hate me.</p><p></p><p>They are headspinningly unbelievable.</p><p></p><p>That's why it took me so long to figure out. I just kept not believing what it was.</p><p>It cost me so much to break through all that denial. It cost me so much to admit which of the people who were my people were lying, or was it me. I even did that for them Serenity, and so did you. We believed we must be the ones getting this wrong because that's what they told us, those dirty rats. Remember, when we first started these kinds of conversations, and it was so impossible for us to think the sisters were the wrong ones? We kept attributing maybe jealousy or some other thing we weren't aware we were doing to how these bad things kept being the way it always turned out. </p><p></p><p>But it wasn't me.</p><p></p><p>And it wasn't you, either.</p><p></p><p>It was them.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>*** </p><p></p><p>I feel sad and lonely and like a sore thumb sticking out all alone without any people but I want them nowhere near me. I don't want their filthy way that they think cheapening me, or anything about me <em>or my children and I don't care if they do have problems</em> <em>that way they are behaving is not what should have happened.</em> </p><p></p><p>Those jerks.</p><p></p><p>I will never sell myself short or make excuses for those people again.</p><p></p><p>It isn't like they are mentally challenged. </p><p></p><p>They are morally deficient.</p><p></p><p>Oh. Excuse me, Serenity.</p><p></p><p>Looks like I slipped over into my own stuff.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Could you tell your father it is just too hurtful to know what your own sibs have done and you will feel happier if he keeps his relationship with you just between the two of you?</p><p></p><p>He loves you.</p><p></p><p>He will want to do things for you to feel happy, moreso than if you present it to him as some angry, defiant thing. We have been through so much to come to this place where we can admit to ourselves that they really don't love us. It was hard. </p><p></p><p>Our bravery in meeting and accepting what was without flinching isn't something that should be cheapened by some schmaltzy sentiment about family loyalty.</p><p></p><p>Look how long I have been mesmerized by that stupid family dinner.</p><p></p><p>But you know what? I could no more not invite them than the man in the moon. </p><p></p><p>That is why I need to stay away from them, and to keep them away from me.</p><p></p><p>Independence from them ~ shaky, but we have achieved it ~ cost us dearly.</p><p></p><p>We don't need to be selling ourselves short, now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676603, member: 17461"] I agree with you, Serenity. When we accept what is true about our own people ~ that they hurt us, that they don't think well of us, that they talk about us behind our backs and use our confidences as public fodder ~ it really sucks to come to know that those things are true things for us. Everyone else gets to have a mother who isn't out to destroy and take her over and change her into some appendage of herself. Everyone else gets to have a sister. It's like those words are magical. A sister. A [I]mother[/I]. A mother who is my mother. I wish I had one with all my heart and I really miss her. And I feel the same about my own sister..but she hurts me, too. She talks about me, too. [I]She even hurt my child.[/I] We have a hard task ahead of us, trying to assimilate what is real about our Families of Origin. To hear about them, to know they hear about anything to do with us at all, is a strange and haunted feeling. A feeling of betrayal. What I once felt for them, I do not feel, anymore. What I feel for them now is betrayed. Betrayed. I sound like a dork really, but I am [I]so[/I] surprised. Everything goes quiet when I get it ~ when I get how my own people have behaved toward me, and around me right in front of my nose, and about me, behind my back. And when I understand how much that matters, I am even more hurt by what all this turns out to have been, and by the ridiculous cheapness of the win, and by how much all of it hurts me. I don't want to think about them, anymore. I certainly don't want to hear anything good about them because I get their motivations now and I don't think they are nice people and it's all too ugly and I think it will never change. So, I would rather hear nothing at all. They no longer deserve to hear any smallest piece about me or my children or my life. They dirty everything they touch. I don't want them interpreting anything about me through their nasty, ugly brains that allow them to accept my hospitality and eat my food and take family pictures at my house while they hate me. They are headspinningly unbelievable. That's why it took me so long to figure out. I just kept not believing what it was. It cost me so much to break through all that denial. It cost me so much to admit which of the people who were my people were lying, or was it me. I even did that for them Serenity, and so did you. We believed we must be the ones getting this wrong because that's what they told us, those dirty rats. Remember, when we first started these kinds of conversations, and it was so impossible for us to think the sisters were the wrong ones? We kept attributing maybe jealousy or some other thing we weren't aware we were doing to how these bad things kept being the way it always turned out. But it wasn't me. And it wasn't you, either. It was them. Huh. *** I feel sad and lonely and like a sore thumb sticking out all alone without any people but I want them nowhere near me. I don't want their filthy way that they think cheapening me, or anything about me [I]or my children and I don't care if they do have problems[/I] [I]that way they are behaving is not what should have happened.[/I] Those jerks. I will never sell myself short or make excuses for those people again. It isn't like they are mentally challenged. They are morally deficient. Oh. Excuse me, Serenity. Looks like I slipped over into my own stuff. Ahem. Cedar Could you tell your father it is just too hurtful to know what your own sibs have done and you will feel happier if he keeps his relationship with you just between the two of you? He loves you. He will want to do things for you to feel happy, moreso than if you present it to him as some angry, defiant thing. We have been through so much to come to this place where we can admit to ourselves that they really don't love us. It was hard. Our bravery in meeting and accepting what was without flinching isn't something that should be cheapened by some schmaltzy sentiment about family loyalty. Look how long I have been mesmerized by that stupid family dinner. But you know what? I could no more not invite them than the man in the moon. That is why I need to stay away from them, and to keep them away from me. Independence from them ~ shaky, but we have achieved it ~ cost us dearly. We don't need to be selling ourselves short, now. [/QUOTE]
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