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Daughter 24 stole from me
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 681308" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>DM, I'm sorry for the stress and grief you are feeling about all of this. I remember well how it would crash over me, and I would be almost paralyzed with the despair and the pain and the awful not-knowing, and then I would get a little better, and then it would come again. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I finally realized I was in the stages of true grief, and I started trying to understand more about that, and accept it, and make time for it in my day, so I would not have to work so hard to resist what I was truly feeling. It didn't mean I needed to actually **do anything** in terms of him, but I needed to **do something** to help myself. At that point, I was as bad off as he was. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ah. This is so very very true, and this type of reflection comes as we start working hard on ourselves and start seeing things more clearly. Our adult children have choices to make. They can choose any type of path for themselves, and this doesn't truly have a thing to do with us. We did our jobs, we raised them, we taught them the best we could the values for a good life, but in the end, it's their choice about how to proceed from here. That's hard for us to grasp and understand and accept. It takes a lot of time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So well said here. As we start working on ourselves, we start seeing that we aren't so darn perfect either. I can tell you when that was suggested to me in Al-Anon, in the very early days, I got so mad I thought I would never come back to a meeting with those "crazy people" again. How in the world could my husband's alcoholism be compared for a single minute with all I had tried to do to help him? We all know being an alcoholic isn't the way to go in life. What else was I supposed to do except try to get him to stop? On and on and on. I couldn't even hear a word about how I was as sick as he was. That my pushing and pulling and enabling and trying to force change was in its own way as sick as his drinking and the sick thinking and the behaviors that come with that. </p><p></p><p>But in time, when my precious youngest son started using drugs, I went right back to that place and this time I was more ready to hear and reflect on and see what they were saying. It took time for me. </p><p></p><p>It takes time for them. Learning how to be humble and very honest in the face of this struggle with watching our precious children struggle with their own demons is what the journey is all about. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like your daughter is already doing some positive things to help herself. How Wonderful! Sit and think on that for a few minutes. She has a problem, and she is working to face it. What else can she do? </p><p></p><p>It won't be all "pretty and perfect" and what journey is? </p><p></p><p>Our deep fear and love for them distorts our good common sense for a while, and it's so helpful to get help, build a toolbox for ourselves to us every single day, and work on ourselves to become healthier human beings. Along the way, if we keep on diligently with it, we will find that we are more humble and honest and as a result, so much more at peace than we ever could have imagined, regardless of what our precious Difficult Child is or is not doing at the moment.</p><p></p><p>We become fully separate human beings, with the ability to let go and still love other people. What a gift!</p><p></p><p>We will help you on this journey you are on. You will hear all kinds of ideas and some of them, or all of them, may or may not resonate with you. We are all at different points on the journey, not ahead or behind, but just different. We can share what has worked for us, and how we continued on. In the end, take what you like and leave the rest. You can only do what works for you.</p><p></p><p>We give each other the space and respect and time to come to our own conclusions, but know you're not alone. We're here with you. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 681308, member: 17542"] DM, I'm sorry for the stress and grief you are feeling about all of this. I remember well how it would crash over me, and I would be almost paralyzed with the despair and the pain and the awful not-knowing, and then I would get a little better, and then it would come again. I finally realized I was in the stages of true grief, and I started trying to understand more about that, and accept it, and make time for it in my day, so I would not have to work so hard to resist what I was truly feeling. It didn't mean I needed to actually **do anything** in terms of him, but I needed to **do something** to help myself. At that point, I was as bad off as he was. Ah. This is so very very true, and this type of reflection comes as we start working hard on ourselves and start seeing things more clearly. Our adult children have choices to make. They can choose any type of path for themselves, and this doesn't truly have a thing to do with us. We did our jobs, we raised them, we taught them the best we could the values for a good life, but in the end, it's their choice about how to proceed from here. That's hard for us to grasp and understand and accept. It takes a lot of time. So well said here. As we start working on ourselves, we start seeing that we aren't so darn perfect either. I can tell you when that was suggested to me in Al-Anon, in the very early days, I got so mad I thought I would never come back to a meeting with those "crazy people" again. How in the world could my husband's alcoholism be compared for a single minute with all I had tried to do to help him? We all know being an alcoholic isn't the way to go in life. What else was I supposed to do except try to get him to stop? On and on and on. I couldn't even hear a word about how I was as sick as he was. That my pushing and pulling and enabling and trying to force change was in its own way as sick as his drinking and the sick thinking and the behaviors that come with that. But in time, when my precious youngest son started using drugs, I went right back to that place and this time I was more ready to hear and reflect on and see what they were saying. It took time for me. It takes time for them. Learning how to be humble and very honest in the face of this struggle with watching our precious children struggle with their own demons is what the journey is all about. It sounds like your daughter is already doing some positive things to help herself. How Wonderful! Sit and think on that for a few minutes. She has a problem, and she is working to face it. What else can she do? It won't be all "pretty and perfect" and what journey is? Our deep fear and love for them distorts our good common sense for a while, and it's so helpful to get help, build a toolbox for ourselves to us every single day, and work on ourselves to become healthier human beings. Along the way, if we keep on diligently with it, we will find that we are more humble and honest and as a result, so much more at peace than we ever could have imagined, regardless of what our precious Difficult Child is or is not doing at the moment. We become fully separate human beings, with the ability to let go and still love other people. What a gift! We will help you on this journey you are on. You will hear all kinds of ideas and some of them, or all of them, may or may not resonate with you. We are all at different points on the journey, not ahead or behind, but just different. We can share what has worked for us, and how we continued on. In the end, take what you like and leave the rest. You can only do what works for you. We give each other the space and respect and time to come to our own conclusions, but know you're not alone. We're here with you. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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