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Daughter is 22 and has cut us out of her life am devastated.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 684062" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>J, we share a number of things in common that can be summed up in a hard and difficult word: betrayal. Both of us need to be especially careful to not betray ourselves. For me, this is really my Achilles heel. When I fear others have betrayed me, I tend to betray myself, first. It is a lifelong struggle.</p><p></p><p>This is an opportunity for you to come to terms with your life and to learn to care for yourself in the most profound sense. Me too. Stop this please. It is futile.</p><p></p><p>Daughter can think and do whatever she wants. She has the right to determine her attitudes and stances towards her past, just as you do. Just as your feelings and your beliefs and attitudes are your own, and can be different than are our hers. This is a new beginning. For you to define yourself, independent of how you were treated as a child.</p><p></p><p>It is very, very hard for us who may have been mistreated as children, because we feel we must have deserved this. In our parenting of our own children, we seek to redo this, to feel the love and to give the love and acceptance and safety we did not get as children. (Somewhere along the line you might look at some of the FOO threads where some of us dealt with the residues of past hurts on our parenting.)</p><p></p><p>Remember. You are not alone in any of this.</p><p>She is an adult now. Not your little baby. She does not want your doting, and it does you no good to think of her in terms of the baby she once was, and no longer is. It hurts you.</p><p></p><p>To my way of looking at things, you are the baby who needs care and doting upon. Start now.</p><p>You needed care from parents, who did not give it. She is your daughter. It is not correct to seek the care you want from her. At some point in the future it may come. Now is not the time to grieve her. The time now is to grieve for your past hurts which had nothing to do with your daughter.</p><p></p><p>You have a golden opportunity to start a new. To re-parent yourself. I know this may sound as if from left field. Trust me.</p><p>Never is a very final word, the most final. She has betrayed your trust. That is true. It may be among the biggest gifts and opportunities you have received in your life. You will begin to take responsibility for protecting yourself and nurturing yourself. Her? Let her be responsibility for her.</p><p>Yes. I know. These are wounds that are in you that have not one thing to do with your daughter who is not your mother.</p><p>I know this hurt. It is the worst of betrayals to not be protected, instead preyed upon by those around you. Remember. This too is your history, a vulnerability that is independent from your daughter. She is only responsible for her conduct. Not for those in your early life.</p><p></p><p>It is not your daughter's responsibility to protect you and to remedy the hurts you have suffered. This is your own road. Not hers.</p><p>Your lovely girl is trying to grow up. To do so apparently she feels the need for distance. She is doing whatever she can to make this distance. It is chosen and purposeful because she wants this and needs this now. Right or wrong from your perspective makes no difference at all.</p><p></p><p>When she needs you again she will make contact. If it were me I would use this time to work hard to determine what kind of boundary I need with her. You do not have to accept her terms. You have a right to your own.</p><p></p><p>You also have a right to have your own rich and wonderful and sustaining life. Now is your opportunity to build it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 684062, member: 18958"] J, we share a number of things in common that can be summed up in a hard and difficult word: betrayal. Both of us need to be especially careful to not betray ourselves. For me, this is really my Achilles heel. When I fear others have betrayed me, I tend to betray myself, first. It is a lifelong struggle. This is an opportunity for you to come to terms with your life and to learn to care for yourself in the most profound sense. Me too. Stop this please. It is futile. Daughter can think and do whatever she wants. She has the right to determine her attitudes and stances towards her past, just as you do. Just as your feelings and your beliefs and attitudes are your own, and can be different than are our hers. This is a new beginning. For you to define yourself, independent of how you were treated as a child. It is very, very hard for us who may have been mistreated as children, because we feel we must have deserved this. In our parenting of our own children, we seek to redo this, to feel the love and to give the love and acceptance and safety we did not get as children. (Somewhere along the line you might look at some of the FOO threads where some of us dealt with the residues of past hurts on our parenting.) Remember. You are not alone in any of this. She is an adult now. Not your little baby. She does not want your doting, and it does you no good to think of her in terms of the baby she once was, and no longer is. It hurts you. To my way of looking at things, you are the baby who needs care and doting upon. Start now. You needed care from parents, who did not give it. She is your daughter. It is not correct to seek the care you want from her. At some point in the future it may come. Now is not the time to grieve her. The time now is to grieve for your past hurts which had nothing to do with your daughter. You have a golden opportunity to start a new. To re-parent yourself. I know this may sound as if from left field. Trust me. Never is a very final word, the most final. She has betrayed your trust. That is true. It may be among the biggest gifts and opportunities you have received in your life. You will begin to take responsibility for protecting yourself and nurturing yourself. Her? Let her be responsibility for her. Yes. I know. These are wounds that are in you that have not one thing to do with your daughter who is not your mother. I know this hurt. It is the worst of betrayals to not be protected, instead preyed upon by those around you. Remember. This too is your history, a vulnerability that is independent from your daughter. She is only responsible for her conduct. Not for those in your early life. It is not your daughter's responsibility to protect you and to remedy the hurts you have suffered. This is your own road. Not hers. Your lovely girl is trying to grow up. To do so apparently she feels the need for distance. She is doing whatever she can to make this distance. It is chosen and purposeful because she wants this and needs this now. Right or wrong from your perspective makes no difference at all. When she needs you again she will make contact. If it were me I would use this time to work hard to determine what kind of boundary I need with her. You do not have to accept her terms. You have a right to your own. You also have a right to have your own rich and wonderful and sustaining life. Now is your opportunity to build it. [/QUOTE]
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Daughter is 22 and has cut us out of her life am devastated.....
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