Hello Kat9 and welcome! As I read your story, I don't see any room for you to take responsibility for your daughter or her children. You are ill and her demands seem to only make you feel sicker.
In my own experience, we need to focus on our own welfare. Whether or not our adult children learn from their mistakes is their business and their responsibility not ours.
The focus needs to be on you. Setting external boundaries, for example, when you will or will not answer the phone; and having internal boundaries to deal with feelings such as fear, obligation and guilt, what we call FOG.
This man she's been involved with has committed crimes. Now he's preying on the kids, indirectly, but who knows what will be the consequences. I support you to step back from this drama and to protect your emotions and your health. Your daughter's welfare is her responsibility, not yours.
I really do feel for the kids. How confusing for them to have a new guy show up after the death of their father. That he is a predator is just so sad for them. That their mom can't seem to take into account her responsibility to them let alone herself is a great sadness, but not your responsibility if you do not choose to or are unable to take this on.
