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Daughter reached out- I responded-Having hard time
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 751041" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>I see what's happening there . I say this with respect for you and love, and I am NOT saying that you are to blame for her responses but you are not really validating feelings .</p><p></p><p>Rather than "you feel that way" try getting behind her eyes a little . "This must be so difficult for you". "I understand how you feel" ." Oh!" - these all leave her feelings intact. </p><p></p><p>I see a lot of hurt and resentment on your part and that is understandable, but those feelings are for you to work through. </p><p></p><p>When she said "If my test come back with cancer, I don't want you there" , validating might be something like "I understand why you might feel this way". </p><p></p><p>When she says "you have not been there for me" , empathy might say "I am so sorry you feel that way". </p><p></p><p>Detachment with love is key! She is mentally ill, not bad. Her mental health issues have led her to make some bad choices, and her solution (alcohol, Adderall) is adding to her problems. Pushing against her will never ever lead to a desire to change. The desire may never come either way, but there is a small chance she may seek treatment one day if you detach with love. Her feelings, thoughts, actions and their consequences belong to her . So do her lies and her manipulations. Your property are only your feelings, your thoughts, and your actions. You can set boundaries when you need to, and be detached but loving .Someone said to treat an adult child like it was someone else's adult child . Would I say this to my girlfriend's adult child? And if the answer is no, don't say it .I think that illustrates detachment pretty well .</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 751041, member: 24254"] I see what's happening there . I say this with respect for you and love, and I am NOT saying that you are to blame for her responses but you are not really validating feelings . Rather than "you feel that way" try getting behind her eyes a little . "This must be so difficult for you". "I understand how you feel" ." Oh!" - these all leave her feelings intact. I see a lot of hurt and resentment on your part and that is understandable, but those feelings are for you to work through. When she said "If my test come back with cancer, I don't want you there" , validating might be something like "I understand why you might feel this way". When she says "you have not been there for me" , empathy might say "I am so sorry you feel that way". Detachment with love is key! She is mentally ill, not bad. Her mental health issues have led her to make some bad choices, and her solution (alcohol, Adderall) is adding to her problems. Pushing against her will never ever lead to a desire to change. The desire may never come either way, but there is a small chance she may seek treatment one day if you detach with love. Her feelings, thoughts, actions and their consequences belong to her . So do her lies and her manipulations. Your property are only your feelings, your thoughts, and your actions. You can set boundaries when you need to, and be detached but loving .Someone said to treat an adult child like it was someone else's adult child . Would I say this to my girlfriend's adult child? And if the answer is no, don't say it .I think that illustrates detachment pretty well . [/QUOTE]
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