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daughter worse than ever....update
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 208924" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Bran, it is so difficult for you. You predicted it would get worse when you stopped trying to make her take her medications - at least now she's not getting medications sometimes and not others, but the flip side is, she gets worse like this, as you said to expect.</p><p></p><p>The foul mouth - any of it - don't react. You've seen before that a lot of what she says and does is to try and get a reaction from you. I'm wondering if at some level she's wanting you to react with the same extreme that she feels with her BiPolar (BP) out of control... just conjecture, anyway.</p><p></p><p>I have two possible responses to the suggestion from her to indulge in oral sex - first option is to calmly announce that you can't right now, husband isn't home yet (this response shocks the kid back, in spades, often grosses them out - but SHE started it! They often learn to not go there in future to avoid getting grossed out again). The other option is to again stay calm and say, "That really isn't an appropriate comment. My sexual practices are none of your business. Try again and this time, don't be so random."</p><p></p><p>(I mentioned something similar to this in a watercooler post - I used to work with men who were extremely sexist in a workplace full of obvious sexual harassment. Most women left because they couldn't cope with it at all; I found that the most effective option was to harass the men back, in a funny but derogatory way, with a grin on my face and in front of the other men so the harasser would be exposed AND be embarrassed. The men quickly learned to NOT try to get a laugh at my expense. I got respect - on MY terms, but using methods THEY understood.)</p><p></p><p>Or even a very brief, "Let's try that again. I say, 'Please pick your clothes up off the bathroom floor,' and you say?..."</p><p>And you keep doing this until you get a more appropriate response. But you HAVE to stay calm. The worst thing you can do is to let her get under your skin; or if she does, don't let her see it. You detach. Let her think you no longer care, at least as long as she behaves like this. You only show you care when she talks to you appropriately. Example - she comes home raging about boyfriend hitting her and says, "I hate him," THEN you can sympathise even if she is yelling, because she isn't yelling at you. Avoid "I told you so" or anything she could take to mean you're judging her. Sometimes simply reflecting is the best way to respond when she shares her feelings. Example, "I can see you're unhappy." No other judgement at all. Just the observation.</p><p></p><p>The curfew - unless she has a scheduled activity of which you approve (such as a class or course she is doing, or a job) I would let her know that the doors will be locked at 10 pm (or earlier, if you go to bed earlier). Of course this will put a crimp in her social life but frankly, it's not a healthy social life. Having her coming in late and disruptive is really bad for your son especially. It's also not good for you and shows her that you're prepared to put up with whatever she dishes out. Don't let her think you're a doormat. It's also important for your son to see you putting your foot down because one day HE will be 17 and could feel that he has the same amount of leeway he sees you giving her now.</p><p></p><p>And the primary thing - get help for yourself. You have a lot of rubbish dumping on you at the moment and it's more than anyone can manage alone. Get help. There is no shame in this - you are entitled, you are not being selfish - if anything, you are getting help for yourself so you will be strong enough to help your kids.</p><p></p><p>Countdown to her turning 18. Be consistent. be firm. Be detached. Get help for yourself. You are in damage control mode for now.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 208924, member: 1991"] Bran, it is so difficult for you. You predicted it would get worse when you stopped trying to make her take her medications - at least now she's not getting medications sometimes and not others, but the flip side is, she gets worse like this, as you said to expect. The foul mouth - any of it - don't react. You've seen before that a lot of what she says and does is to try and get a reaction from you. I'm wondering if at some level she's wanting you to react with the same extreme that she feels with her BiPolar (BP) out of control... just conjecture, anyway. I have two possible responses to the suggestion from her to indulge in oral sex - first option is to calmly announce that you can't right now, husband isn't home yet (this response shocks the kid back, in spades, often grosses them out - but SHE started it! They often learn to not go there in future to avoid getting grossed out again). The other option is to again stay calm and say, "That really isn't an appropriate comment. My sexual practices are none of your business. Try again and this time, don't be so random." (I mentioned something similar to this in a watercooler post - I used to work with men who were extremely sexist in a workplace full of obvious sexual harassment. Most women left because they couldn't cope with it at all; I found that the most effective option was to harass the men back, in a funny but derogatory way, with a grin on my face and in front of the other men so the harasser would be exposed AND be embarrassed. The men quickly learned to NOT try to get a laugh at my expense. I got respect - on MY terms, but using methods THEY understood.) Or even a very brief, "Let's try that again. I say, 'Please pick your clothes up off the bathroom floor,' and you say?..." And you keep doing this until you get a more appropriate response. But you HAVE to stay calm. The worst thing you can do is to let her get under your skin; or if she does, don't let her see it. You detach. Let her think you no longer care, at least as long as she behaves like this. You only show you care when she talks to you appropriately. Example - she comes home raging about boyfriend hitting her and says, "I hate him," THEN you can sympathise even if she is yelling, because she isn't yelling at you. Avoid "I told you so" or anything she could take to mean you're judging her. Sometimes simply reflecting is the best way to respond when she shares her feelings. Example, "I can see you're unhappy." No other judgement at all. Just the observation. The curfew - unless she has a scheduled activity of which you approve (such as a class or course she is doing, or a job) I would let her know that the doors will be locked at 10 pm (or earlier, if you go to bed earlier). Of course this will put a crimp in her social life but frankly, it's not a healthy social life. Having her coming in late and disruptive is really bad for your son especially. It's also not good for you and shows her that you're prepared to put up with whatever she dishes out. Don't let her think you're a doormat. It's also important for your son to see you putting your foot down because one day HE will be 17 and could feel that he has the same amount of leeway he sees you giving her now. And the primary thing - get help for yourself. You have a lot of rubbish dumping on you at the moment and it's more than anyone can manage alone. Get help. There is no shame in this - you are entitled, you are not being selfish - if anything, you are getting help for yourself so you will be strong enough to help your kids. Countdown to her turning 18. Be consistent. be firm. Be detached. Get help for yourself. You are in damage control mode for now. Marg [/QUOTE]
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