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Daughters boyfriend is awful
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 424257" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>My Youngest has dated a string of abusers. She had children by the last two of them. They were all abusive in different ways, but the 2nd, the father of my grandson, was the most physically abusive. I have never felt so sick and helpless in my life, as when she'd tell me stories of what he'd done to her. He hit her often (never leaving visible marks). He once locked her out of her bedroom, went through all her stuff and destroyed every single card and letter and picture from her childhood (mostly the ones that involved other boys even elementary school crushes, or girl friends he didn't approve of), put it in a trashbag, and made her take it to the dumpster. Another time he met her in the parking lot of our apartment complex, coerced her into his car "just to talk," and drove off with her, racing through the back roads, threatening to drive the car into a tree and kill both of them, stopped on the side of the road and pushing her out and leaving her, then coming back a few minutes later and forcing her back into the car. Eventually he brought her home.. but she didn't tell me about it until the next day. She refused to call the police, she refused to press charges, and I was helpless since she was over 18. I actually spoke to him after that episode, telling him to never come to my apartment again, and his response was, "I didn't do that, don't you think that if I did that I'd be in jail right now?" It was sickening.. he KNEW she would never turn him in, becuase he had such power over her.</p><p></p><p>I spoke to the police, including their domestic violence officer, and I spoke to the counselor she was seeing at the time. I could do absolutely nothing since she refused to press charges. Eventually I banned him from my home, even sending a certified letter to him notifying him of the fact, and copying the local sheriff's department on the letter. That didn't stop her from letting him in the house when I wasn't home, however (which was how he got to her before), and I couldn't prove he was there so I could do nothing. I contemplated installing a video camera.. but couldn't afford it. Quite honestly the only things that got her away from him for good, were (1) him finding another girl and (2) her finding another guy .. who eventually turned out to be an abuser as well (just in a different kind of way). Sadly, her take on the next guy's (the father of my granddaughter) abuse was, "well at least he doesn't beat me up like B did." She put up with that abuse for 2 years, and it only ended recently when he was thrown in jail for offenses that I can't even go into here. Now she and her 2 kids are living with me. I've a feeling she'll likely date another abuser next .. she's not gotten any counseling to change her pattern ... I can only hope the next one won't be as bad as the last 2 (quite honestly, it can't get much worse). </p><p></p><p>I found it incredibly frutrating that there are little to no resources or support groups for families of DV victims. All the resources are for the victim. What I did learn, from what I found, was as others have said: the more you badmouth the abuser or convince her to leave him, the more likely she is to stay with him. The most important thing is to let her know you love her and support her no matter what, and that you'll be there for her when she needs you. Leaving literature around is not a bad idea.. I did that as well. Thing is, (in my opinion) the victim almost always *knows* they're being abused, somewhere inside. But abusers convince them they are not worthy ... that they deserve this treatment, that no one else would want them. They convince them that their families are the enemy. All you can do is prove the abuser wrong by being loving and supportive.. while at the same time putting up firm boundaries. If he's driving your car, take it away. Ban him from your home. As I've said to Youngest, I can't stop you from talking to him/seeing him, but I won't finance it or support it in any way. I try to make my feelings clear without telling her how crazy she is for staying with/talking to the abuser.. because it only makes her feel worse about herself. Like I said, she knows she's being abused. She doesn't need anyone to hammer that into her head and make her feel worse for staying with him. She just needs to hear that she's strong enough to leave the relationship when she's ready. </p><p></p><p>Whew, I didn't mean to write a novel <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> But as you can tell, this is a subject that hits all too close to home. Hopefully just knowing that others have been in your shoes, will help...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 424257, member: 1157"] My Youngest has dated a string of abusers. She had children by the last two of them. They were all abusive in different ways, but the 2nd, the father of my grandson, was the most physically abusive. I have never felt so sick and helpless in my life, as when she'd tell me stories of what he'd done to her. He hit her often (never leaving visible marks). He once locked her out of her bedroom, went through all her stuff and destroyed every single card and letter and picture from her childhood (mostly the ones that involved other boys even elementary school crushes, or girl friends he didn't approve of), put it in a trashbag, and made her take it to the dumpster. Another time he met her in the parking lot of our apartment complex, coerced her into his car "just to talk," and drove off with her, racing through the back roads, threatening to drive the car into a tree and kill both of them, stopped on the side of the road and pushing her out and leaving her, then coming back a few minutes later and forcing her back into the car. Eventually he brought her home.. but she didn't tell me about it until the next day. She refused to call the police, she refused to press charges, and I was helpless since she was over 18. I actually spoke to him after that episode, telling him to never come to my apartment again, and his response was, "I didn't do that, don't you think that if I did that I'd be in jail right now?" It was sickening.. he KNEW she would never turn him in, becuase he had such power over her. I spoke to the police, including their domestic violence officer, and I spoke to the counselor she was seeing at the time. I could do absolutely nothing since she refused to press charges. Eventually I banned him from my home, even sending a certified letter to him notifying him of the fact, and copying the local sheriff's department on the letter. That didn't stop her from letting him in the house when I wasn't home, however (which was how he got to her before), and I couldn't prove he was there so I could do nothing. I contemplated installing a video camera.. but couldn't afford it. Quite honestly the only things that got her away from him for good, were (1) him finding another girl and (2) her finding another guy .. who eventually turned out to be an abuser as well (just in a different kind of way). Sadly, her take on the next guy's (the father of my granddaughter) abuse was, "well at least he doesn't beat me up like B did." She put up with that abuse for 2 years, and it only ended recently when he was thrown in jail for offenses that I can't even go into here. Now she and her 2 kids are living with me. I've a feeling she'll likely date another abuser next .. she's not gotten any counseling to change her pattern ... I can only hope the next one won't be as bad as the last 2 (quite honestly, it can't get much worse). I found it incredibly frutrating that there are little to no resources or support groups for families of DV victims. All the resources are for the victim. What I did learn, from what I found, was as others have said: the more you badmouth the abuser or convince her to leave him, the more likely she is to stay with him. The most important thing is to let her know you love her and support her no matter what, and that you'll be there for her when she needs you. Leaving literature around is not a bad idea.. I did that as well. Thing is, (in my opinion) the victim almost always *knows* they're being abused, somewhere inside. But abusers convince them they are not worthy ... that they deserve this treatment, that no one else would want them. They convince them that their families are the enemy. All you can do is prove the abuser wrong by being loving and supportive.. while at the same time putting up firm boundaries. If he's driving your car, take it away. Ban him from your home. As I've said to Youngest, I can't stop you from talking to him/seeing him, but I won't finance it or support it in any way. I try to make my feelings clear without telling her how crazy she is for staying with/talking to the abuser.. because it only makes her feel worse about herself. Like I said, she knows she's being abused. She doesn't need anyone to hammer that into her head and make her feel worse for staying with him. She just needs to hear that she's strong enough to leave the relationship when she's ready. Whew, I didn't mean to write a novel :) But as you can tell, this is a subject that hits all too close to home. Hopefully just knowing that others have been in your shoes, will help... [/QUOTE]
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