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Daughters boyfriend is awful
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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 424261" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>Hi Ski- I went through this exact situation with my daughter, except she had a baby with the loser! Awesome! At any rate, every situation is different, but here's what I did: first, I got involved in a support group for domestic violence at our local shelter. This helped me more than anything else. It was where I learned how to detach from my daughter, which is an on-going process, but I could never have even begun without the help of the wise women in my group. I laid out specific rules for my daughter- he was not allowed in my house and when she lived with me there was no contact allowed. When I found out she was back in touch with him I gave her the choice- cut off contact or there's the door (and the baby was only a few months old at this time). She chose the door. Whenever she wanted to contact the police or file charges I stood by her 100%. These guys are an addiction for these girls- have no doubt about that- so all the addictive behaviors come with it- lying, irrational behavior, etc. I had to deal with everything very matter of factly and keep my emotions out of it, which was hard, but I let those emotions go in my group. I literally had to spell out rules, etc. with her in very matter of fact terms, no arguments. If she tried to argue or started lying I would say- no arguing or I know you're lying- and hang up the phone or walk away. It was VERY hard, but it saved my sanity. I worried all the time because this guy was violent with her, didn't work, cheated on her, was a terrible person in every way, but by detaching I was a little better. Focusing on myself and my health helped. It is the worst situation you can imagine, I know. You can't really do anything except press charges against him any time he does anything on your property. I called the police numerous times on Kat's ex and he finally stayed far from my house. Also I never gave her money or any material help when she was with this guy. I would buy things for the baby, but nothing for her or that he could benefit from</p><p> </p><p>She is away from him now, but it took nearly 4 years. She started getting it once she had the baby and he was a total deadbeat. But be aware that once the girls get it and REALLY leave the guys they ramp up the horrible behavior- threats, violence, etc. My daughter has her own issues anyway, and I think healthy girls would get out of these relationships at the first sign of violence, bad treatment, etc., but they got worse when she was with this guy. </p><p> </p><p>I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand how you feel. The best thing I did was get support from the group at my local domestic violence shelter.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 424261, member: 11235"] Hi Ski- I went through this exact situation with my daughter, except she had a baby with the loser! Awesome! At any rate, every situation is different, but here's what I did: first, I got involved in a support group for domestic violence at our local shelter. This helped me more than anything else. It was where I learned how to detach from my daughter, which is an on-going process, but I could never have even begun without the help of the wise women in my group. I laid out specific rules for my daughter- he was not allowed in my house and when she lived with me there was no contact allowed. When I found out she was back in touch with him I gave her the choice- cut off contact or there's the door (and the baby was only a few months old at this time). She chose the door. Whenever she wanted to contact the police or file charges I stood by her 100%. These guys are an addiction for these girls- have no doubt about that- so all the addictive behaviors come with it- lying, irrational behavior, etc. I had to deal with everything very matter of factly and keep my emotions out of it, which was hard, but I let those emotions go in my group. I literally had to spell out rules, etc. with her in very matter of fact terms, no arguments. If she tried to argue or started lying I would say- no arguing or I know you're lying- and hang up the phone or walk away. It was VERY hard, but it saved my sanity. I worried all the time because this guy was violent with her, didn't work, cheated on her, was a terrible person in every way, but by detaching I was a little better. Focusing on myself and my health helped. It is the worst situation you can imagine, I know. You can't really do anything except press charges against him any time he does anything on your property. I called the police numerous times on Kat's ex and he finally stayed far from my house. Also I never gave her money or any material help when she was with this guy. I would buy things for the baby, but nothing for her or that he could benefit from She is away from him now, but it took nearly 4 years. She started getting it once she had the baby and he was a total deadbeat. But be aware that once the girls get it and REALLY leave the guys they ramp up the horrible behavior- threats, violence, etc. My daughter has her own issues anyway, and I think healthy girls would get out of these relationships at the first sign of violence, bad treatment, etc., but they got worse when she was with this guy. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand how you feel. The best thing I did was get support from the group at my local domestic violence shelter. [/QUOTE]
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