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Daughters boyfriend is awful
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 424590" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi ski! </p><p> </p><p>Welcome to the fold! </p><p> </p><p>I could be way off the mark here, but I'm going to give this a whirl. I think the reason she's clinging to fixing this young man isn't so much fixing him. I rather think it has more to do with her childhood and giving her Dad a chance. Sounds nuttier than a fruitcake, but it's quite possible. A lot of children from divorces whether they do or don't get divorce counseling can be angry, and as parents we're going through so much emoition on our own we are just so relieved when the divorce is over we forget that while we are relived, the kids aren't necessarily relieved. They are left with a huge hole. Mommies and Daddies should stay together no matter what, no matter how damaged Daddy was. To give up on Daddy was unforgivable, and now she's going to show you that you don't just give up on people because they are damaged. This tragedy has happened to her once, she's hellbent on not allowing it to happen again, so you have a real problem on your hands. Her heels are really dug in, and I doubt that anything you say whether it was GET OUT, or I'll give you a million dollars are going to make a difference. This is deeper for her than you realize and what's worse? I would bet (not saying I'm right) but I bet it's something she has no idea of why she's doing. </p><p> </p><p>Weirder yet? If you sit down and tell her this? OMG are you going to get venom in the eyes. Why? Because she's 18, and Dads a jerk, and that was YOUR marriage, not HER relationship. Gosh Mom are you a ninny. Yeah and at this point? I think this is about where I wanted to grab my purse and leave the shrinks office. Oh wait - yeah it was me - not from divorce, but from adoption. However it did apply to my sons choices for the little girls he picked. It was like he gravitated to the puppy with three legs and one eye. The ones no one wanted. He was sure he'd show everyone that the things in life no one wanted were SAVEABLE, because in his mind I threw his Dad out because he wasn't fixalble. It took years of therapy to remedy this in both him and myself. The first thing you have to do is get over the anger that someone is even suggesting it. That took months. </p><p> </p><p>It's a plausable explaination for why she may be dating this young man. How you proceed? Wow that's pretty tough because most of me would want to tell you to help this kid, being the Mom of a son who had/has similar qualities. My heart hurts for this kid because while part of me wants to think that there is good in most people, the reality side of me that has a lot of board Moms visually standing behind me with arms crossed and eyebrows raised glaring at me - would tell you to just Tough LOVE this situation, tell him he's scum, and tell your daughter when she comes to her senses? You'll be there for her. </p><p> </p><p>In retrospect at this stage of the game? I feel that it's going to take a little more for all of you as a family to come to some healing on it all. I believe the DV shelter is a great resource as suggested. It may be a good idea to get a family therapist and just you or you and your husband go even if it's just one or two visits. I was also tossing out for consideration the fact that you, husband, your daughter and this boy sit down and have a talk too after you discuss a plan with the therapist. Maybe it is possible that you oversee therapy for your daughter AND this boy? Not together - but same day? My thought was if SHE is willing to commit, and he agrees? </p><p> They both go they both get help - they both do good. Everyone happy - best case scenario. </p><p>They both go. She stays in it - he flakes out. She can't believe he won't go - she sees he's not committed to their relationship. She dumps him. </p><p>They both go. He stays in it......she flakes out - He talks her back into going - they both work on their problems and neither ends up together but are friends. </p><p>Of course there is always - Dad grabs gun from closet - runs boy down road - girl chases after him - you never see either again - she finds another WORSE looser .........(didn't think I'd include that one huh?) And she finds worse looser because she never gets help because she didn't deal with the real underlying issues that cause he to pick loosers in the first place. This will not go away just because HE does. TRUST ME. </p><p></p><p>Stranger things have happened - but maybe by offering to get them BOTH help? You keep an eye on them both- YOU get control back over things - and you help TWO people? </p><p> </p><p>Just thinking out loud. Possibly thinking crazy thoughts out loud, but if he's got two methhead parents for help? He really hasn't had any help. Not your problem for sure - is it? But gosh when our kids take on a crusade. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 424590, member: 4964"] Hi ski! Welcome to the fold! I could be way off the mark here, but I'm going to give this a whirl. I think the reason she's clinging to fixing this young man isn't so much fixing him. I rather think it has more to do with her childhood and giving her Dad a chance. Sounds nuttier than a fruitcake, but it's quite possible. A lot of children from divorces whether they do or don't get divorce counseling can be angry, and as parents we're going through so much emoition on our own we are just so relieved when the divorce is over we forget that while we are relived, the kids aren't necessarily relieved. They are left with a huge hole. Mommies and Daddies should stay together no matter what, no matter how damaged Daddy was. To give up on Daddy was unforgivable, and now she's going to show you that you don't just give up on people because they are damaged. This tragedy has happened to her once, she's hellbent on not allowing it to happen again, so you have a real problem on your hands. Her heels are really dug in, and I doubt that anything you say whether it was GET OUT, or I'll give you a million dollars are going to make a difference. This is deeper for her than you realize and what's worse? I would bet (not saying I'm right) but I bet it's something she has no idea of why she's doing. Weirder yet? If you sit down and tell her this? OMG are you going to get venom in the eyes. Why? Because she's 18, and Dads a jerk, and that was YOUR marriage, not HER relationship. Gosh Mom are you a ninny. Yeah and at this point? I think this is about where I wanted to grab my purse and leave the shrinks office. Oh wait - yeah it was me - not from divorce, but from adoption. However it did apply to my sons choices for the little girls he picked. It was like he gravitated to the puppy with three legs and one eye. The ones no one wanted. He was sure he'd show everyone that the things in life no one wanted were SAVEABLE, because in his mind I threw his Dad out because he wasn't fixalble. It took years of therapy to remedy this in both him and myself. The first thing you have to do is get over the anger that someone is even suggesting it. That took months. It's a plausable explaination for why she may be dating this young man. How you proceed? Wow that's pretty tough because most of me would want to tell you to help this kid, being the Mom of a son who had/has similar qualities. My heart hurts for this kid because while part of me wants to think that there is good in most people, the reality side of me that has a lot of board Moms visually standing behind me with arms crossed and eyebrows raised glaring at me - would tell you to just Tough LOVE this situation, tell him he's scum, and tell your daughter when she comes to her senses? You'll be there for her. In retrospect at this stage of the game? I feel that it's going to take a little more for all of you as a family to come to some healing on it all. I believe the DV shelter is a great resource as suggested. It may be a good idea to get a family therapist and just you or you and your husband go even if it's just one or two visits. I was also tossing out for consideration the fact that you, husband, your daughter and this boy sit down and have a talk too after you discuss a plan with the therapist. Maybe it is possible that you oversee therapy for your daughter AND this boy? Not together - but same day? My thought was if SHE is willing to commit, and he agrees? They both go they both get help - they both do good. Everyone happy - best case scenario. They both go. She stays in it - he flakes out. She can't believe he won't go - she sees he's not committed to their relationship. She dumps him. They both go. He stays in it......she flakes out - He talks her back into going - they both work on their problems and neither ends up together but are friends. Of course there is always - Dad grabs gun from closet - runs boy down road - girl chases after him - you never see either again - she finds another WORSE looser .........(didn't think I'd include that one huh?) And she finds worse looser because she never gets help because she didn't deal with the real underlying issues that cause he to pick loosers in the first place. This will not go away just because HE does. TRUST ME. Stranger things have happened - but maybe by offering to get them BOTH help? You keep an eye on them both- YOU get control back over things - and you help TWO people? Just thinking out loud. Possibly thinking crazy thoughts out loud, but if he's got two methhead parents for help? He really hasn't had any help. Not your problem for sure - is it? But gosh when our kids take on a crusade. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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