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Depressed at Thought of Stepdaughter Living Here After Jail
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 623036" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Concerned. Wow, what a tough place you're in, I am so sorry. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It may be of help to you and to your husband too. </p><p></p><p>Many of our kids here on the adult side act out as your step daughter does, the behavior is not that uncommon. Often detachment is the solution for many of us, which is tough enough to do when both parents are on the same page, but your position with your husband is a catch 22 and everyone loses except your step daughter. I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>This is my own opinion so please take what means something to you and leave the rest.......but it seems to me that YOU are the primary relationship for your husband and YOUR feelings and YOUR opinions and YOUR needs should come FIRST. And TOGETHER, you and your husband, should talk about what will happen when she gets out that is good for EVERYONE, not just the daughter. She is an adult. She should be on her own now. </p><p></p><p>In most towns there are homeless shelters you can do some research and find them and give a list of them to her. If she is getting out of jail with no where to go, she can go there. Often they have help there with housing, food stamps. medical, everything someone will need to get back on their feet, IF they want that. It is her life, she has to live it without your husband's help He is a classic enabler, guilty and doing whatever the daughter needs. That will perpetuate this scenario to the bitter end which will likely be that you leave and he ends up with her if things don't change. </p><p></p><p>Until she gets out if I were you I would get as much information as possible and then make a decision. You can contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can get them online, they have chapters everywhere and they have excellent courses for parents which can help you and your husband. Often they have social workers who will help your step daughter find housing or living arrangements or jobs or whatever. But I would contact them and find out what resources they have that you might use. Perhaps if your husband took a course there he would meet other parents going through the same thing and be able to see how what he is doing is not at all helpful and in fact, will keep her stuck where she is. </p><p></p><p>I would have a serious talk with my husband and state my wishes and if he is going to have her come back to your home then other options need to be made. I don't know what those other options are, but the two of you should discuss that and find out what you and he are willing to do. If it were me, I would want him to keep her away from me.......I have my own daughter who is 41 and has acted in very similar ways to your step daughter and if she continued in that way, I would never allow her to live with me again. I do know what it's like and you should not have to be put in that position, in my opinion. She has already hurt you and your relationship way too much.</p><p></p><p>Of course you are traumatized, I know how that feels, I was traumatized by my daughter's behavior too. It would be good to see a therapist for YOU. A therapist may help you to look at your options as well if your husband is insistent on having his daughter come home. You may be at a crossroads here and I really get it when you say you don't think you can stand it one more time. I know I couldn't. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Keep posting, Get yourself some support, a therapist, call NAMI, someone or someplace where what YOU want matters. Do kind things for yourself, focus on YOU. You have been in a very dark place with your step daughter for a long time and it seems like things need to change so that you can have your joy and your peace of mind back. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 623036, member: 13542"] Welcome Concerned. Wow, what a tough place you're in, I am so sorry. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It may be of help to you and to your husband too. Many of our kids here on the adult side act out as your step daughter does, the behavior is not that uncommon. Often detachment is the solution for many of us, which is tough enough to do when both parents are on the same page, but your position with your husband is a catch 22 and everyone loses except your step daughter. I am so sorry. This is my own opinion so please take what means something to you and leave the rest.......but it seems to me that YOU are the primary relationship for your husband and YOUR feelings and YOUR opinions and YOUR needs should come FIRST. And TOGETHER, you and your husband, should talk about what will happen when she gets out that is good for EVERYONE, not just the daughter. She is an adult. She should be on her own now. In most towns there are homeless shelters you can do some research and find them and give a list of them to her. If she is getting out of jail with no where to go, she can go there. Often they have help there with housing, food stamps. medical, everything someone will need to get back on their feet, IF they want that. It is her life, she has to live it without your husband's help He is a classic enabler, guilty and doing whatever the daughter needs. That will perpetuate this scenario to the bitter end which will likely be that you leave and he ends up with her if things don't change. Until she gets out if I were you I would get as much information as possible and then make a decision. You can contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can get them online, they have chapters everywhere and they have excellent courses for parents which can help you and your husband. Often they have social workers who will help your step daughter find housing or living arrangements or jobs or whatever. But I would contact them and find out what resources they have that you might use. Perhaps if your husband took a course there he would meet other parents going through the same thing and be able to see how what he is doing is not at all helpful and in fact, will keep her stuck where she is. I would have a serious talk with my husband and state my wishes and if he is going to have her come back to your home then other options need to be made. I don't know what those other options are, but the two of you should discuss that and find out what you and he are willing to do. If it were me, I would want him to keep her away from me.......I have my own daughter who is 41 and has acted in very similar ways to your step daughter and if she continued in that way, I would never allow her to live with me again. I do know what it's like and you should not have to be put in that position, in my opinion. She has already hurt you and your relationship way too much. Of course you are traumatized, I know how that feels, I was traumatized by my daughter's behavior too. It would be good to see a therapist for YOU. A therapist may help you to look at your options as well if your husband is insistent on having his daughter come home. You may be at a crossroads here and I really get it when you say you don't think you can stand it one more time. I know I couldn't. Hang in there. Keep posting, Get yourself some support, a therapist, call NAMI, someone or someplace where what YOU want matters. Do kind things for yourself, focus on YOU. You have been in a very dark place with your step daughter for a long time and it seems like things need to change so that you can have your joy and your peace of mind back. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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