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Failure to Thrive
Desperate and running low on hope- please help
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 691236" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Kat,</p><p></p><p>You will find here the support and the care to get through this. I am so sorry you find yourself here in this tough, tough time.</p><p></p><p>What to say? All of us here on this site are unified in that we have limited or no control over our children who are doing things that frighten us and otherwise cause us great pain and distress. Where your son differs from many is that in all ways (save this one) he is remarkable.</p><p></p><p>That said, like you imply, there is an elephant in the living room. To build one's life, self-esteem, meaning around an idealized view of one person is risky business--especially with their track record. She has left once. He has been devastated as a result. Now, a second time.</p><p></p><p>On some level your son must be unable to imagine his life and himself without her. Like Romeo and Juliette, this is an idealized and highly romantic (adolescent) view of love and life.</p><p></p><p>We can say that it was an accident waiting to happen, or highly risky, or any number of other things that do not help at all. He was going to do what he was going to do. All of love and attachment entails risk.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, in your son's case, it seems as if there may be a fragility there and he has been compensating. His attachment to this girl seems almost obsessive.</p><p></p><p>I can very much identify with your situation. My son, also highly intelligent, handsome, and gifted (but not as capable or high functioning) has approached romances the same way--highly idealizing the young woman and becoming devastated at the inevitable. (Except my son could not sustain the romances for that long--the girls would soon see his vulnerabilities and dump him. In retrospect, it was easier on him, because he had less invested. But he built a persona around this perceived failure and rejection and only now at 28 is he somewhat coming out of it.</p><p></p><p>The girl seems healthier, really. She seems to be looking out for number one, which at this age seems both smarter and resilient. While it feels easy to judge her, I would rather be her Mom right now that you or me.</p><p>Life is not a superhighway. It is negotiated between our dreams and actions/and events and reactions over which we have no control. Our real life and our real selves are constructed based upon how we respond to what happens, our choices and what we learn based on these roadblocks.</p><p></p><p>Clearly your son's return to this girl, knowing what we know now, was fated. It would almost have been worse had she stayed with him. What kind of a life would he have, had building his life around this obsessive young love?</p><p></p><p>Of course he cannot understand that now. But I believe now can be the start of his real life. There is as much reason or more for hope as for fear.</p><p></p><p>So what to do? It is all based upon what he is willing to do, and how much influence you have.</p><p></p><p>Do you contribute at all financially towards college? (i.e, do you have leverage?)</p><p>Is he still there, at college? Or home for the summer?</p><p>What will he do for the summer?</p><p>Were college advisers informed?</p><p>Is he using drugs or alcohol?</p><p>How much longer does he have to get his degree?</p><p></p><p>Do you think he is suicidal now? Do you think he needs to be evaluated immediately? Has he threatened suicide?</p><p></p><p>I will tell you how I would approach it. I would not let him lay around in my home in a dark room. If he is home, I would insist he get psychotherapy or leave. (Really) As smart as he is I would try to find him the best psychotherapist I could find, if he is amenable.</p><p></p><p>If he seems at risk of self-harm I would call a crisis team to evaluate him. If he threatens or makes a gesture of self harm call 911.</p><p></p><p>I forced out of my house my son who was depressed. Subsequently he was hospitalized several times. He tells me he attempted suicide several times, something I never verified but believe. He is 27 now and getting better in many ways.</p><p></p><p>He and you may have to let go the road map of his future that he has constructed. Much of it may have been based upon fantasy. What is known now is that he seems to have a mental illness and is highly vulnerable. That reality must be accepted by him and by you.</p><p></p><p>You may have very limited options to intervene, because as an adult the ball is in his court. But that does not mean you do not have power. You do. With him your biggest power will be in saying No.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>No, I will not let you stay here in your room. No. I will not help you financially if you do not get treatment. No. No. I will not pretend that this is OK. It is not.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Your other source of power will come over yourself. Detaching. (You will find an article on detachment on the website. There is a link to very helpful article on talking with your adult children is at the bottom of member scentofcedar's signature. By believing in your son's capacity to solve this himself, to grow, you can empower him. That is the greatest source of hope. What lies in him. This is how he will live and become his own true and strong self. There is no attribute more powerful than the strength within that we develop when we confront adversity.</p><p></p><p>That is very hard to accept as a parent, that your child could be in such trouble and you cannot fix it or help him. But that is a reality that each of us here has had to deal with. Paradoxically, accepting that helps us <em>and our children</em>. It can be the beginning of their really seeing themselves and their lives through adult, realistic eyes.</p><p></p><p>I am very glad you have found us. I hope you keep posting. It really really helps. Ask as many questions, specific ones, as you need to. Other parents will soon be here. Sunday evenings are a slower time. By Monday morning there will be other parents here. All of us have a somewhat different take on things, as our experiences have been different. But we are united in that we understand how hard this is.</p><p></p><p>Please have hope. I believe your son has the capacity and the will to make a beautiful and wonderful life. He first has to start where he is. No one other person can be the solution to a life. That is truth number one. No girl could be what he needs. He is what he needs.</p><p></p><p>Today is day one, in his building himself, his true life. I believe that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 691236, member: 18958"] Dear Kat, You will find here the support and the care to get through this. I am so sorry you find yourself here in this tough, tough time. What to say? All of us here on this site are unified in that we have limited or no control over our children who are doing things that frighten us and otherwise cause us great pain and distress. Where your son differs from many is that in all ways (save this one) he is remarkable. That said, like you imply, there is an elephant in the living room. To build one's life, self-esteem, meaning around an idealized view of one person is risky business--especially with their track record. She has left once. He has been devastated as a result. Now, a second time. On some level your son must be unable to imagine his life and himself without her. Like Romeo and Juliette, this is an idealized and highly romantic (adolescent) view of love and life. We can say that it was an accident waiting to happen, or highly risky, or any number of other things that do not help at all. He was going to do what he was going to do. All of love and attachment entails risk. But the thing is, in your son's case, it seems as if there may be a fragility there and he has been compensating. His attachment to this girl seems almost obsessive. I can very much identify with your situation. My son, also highly intelligent, handsome, and gifted (but not as capable or high functioning) has approached romances the same way--highly idealizing the young woman and becoming devastated at the inevitable. (Except my son could not sustain the romances for that long--the girls would soon see his vulnerabilities and dump him. In retrospect, it was easier on him, because he had less invested. But he built a persona around this perceived failure and rejection and only now at 28 is he somewhat coming out of it. The girl seems healthier, really. She seems to be looking out for number one, which at this age seems both smarter and resilient. While it feels easy to judge her, I would rather be her Mom right now that you or me. Life is not a superhighway. It is negotiated between our dreams and actions/and events and reactions over which we have no control. Our real life and our real selves are constructed based upon how we respond to what happens, our choices and what we learn based on these roadblocks. Clearly your son's return to this girl, knowing what we know now, was fated. It would almost have been worse had she stayed with him. What kind of a life would he have, had building his life around this obsessive young love? Of course he cannot understand that now. But I believe now can be the start of his real life. There is as much reason or more for hope as for fear. So what to do? It is all based upon what he is willing to do, and how much influence you have. Do you contribute at all financially towards college? (i.e, do you have leverage?) Is he still there, at college? Or home for the summer? What will he do for the summer? Were college advisers informed? Is he using drugs or alcohol? How much longer does he have to get his degree? Do you think he is suicidal now? Do you think he needs to be evaluated immediately? Has he threatened suicide? I will tell you how I would approach it. I would not let him lay around in my home in a dark room. If he is home, I would insist he get psychotherapy or leave. (Really) As smart as he is I would try to find him the best psychotherapist I could find, if he is amenable. If he seems at risk of self-harm I would call a crisis team to evaluate him. If he threatens or makes a gesture of self harm call 911. I forced out of my house my son who was depressed. Subsequently he was hospitalized several times. He tells me he attempted suicide several times, something I never verified but believe. He is 27 now and getting better in many ways. He and you may have to let go the road map of his future that he has constructed. Much of it may have been based upon fantasy. What is known now is that he seems to have a mental illness and is highly vulnerable. That reality must be accepted by him and by you. You may have very limited options to intervene, because as an adult the ball is in his court. But that does not mean you do not have power. You do. With him your biggest power will be in saying No. [I] No, I will not let you stay here in your room. No. I will not help you financially if you do not get treatment. No. No. I will not pretend that this is OK. It is not. [/I] Your other source of power will come over yourself. Detaching. (You will find an article on detachment on the website. There is a link to very helpful article on talking with your adult children is at the bottom of member scentofcedar's signature. By believing in your son's capacity to solve this himself, to grow, you can empower him. That is the greatest source of hope. What lies in him. This is how he will live and become his own true and strong self. There is no attribute more powerful than the strength within that we develop when we confront adversity. That is very hard to accept as a parent, that your child could be in such trouble and you cannot fix it or help him. But that is a reality that each of us here has had to deal with. Paradoxically, accepting that helps us [I]and our children[/I]. It can be the beginning of their really seeing themselves and their lives through adult, realistic eyes. I am very glad you have found us. I hope you keep posting. It really really helps. Ask as many questions, specific ones, as you need to. Other parents will soon be here. Sunday evenings are a slower time. By Monday morning there will be other parents here. All of us have a somewhat different take on things, as our experiences have been different. But we are united in that we understand how hard this is. Please have hope. I believe your son has the capacity and the will to make a beautiful and wonderful life. He first has to start where he is. No one other person can be the solution to a life. That is truth number one. No girl could be what he needs. He is what he needs. Today is day one, in his building himself, his true life. I believe that. [/QUOTE]
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Desperate and running low on hope- please help
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