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Parent Emeritus
Desperate Mom needing advise with adult daughter of 22 with Borderline (Borderline (BPD))
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 750079" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>You know something I have only recently figured out "for myself" and it's possible others told me but I'm only grasping it now? It's that I can slowly detach meaning for instance I've detached from paying rent and deposits, I've detached from providing food (which was huge for me), I've detached from even meeting up to buy my oldest son an ice coffee and bagel (not because I'm heartless but because the more I see him the more it pains me and the more I want to interject my help and rescue). These things didn't happen all at once and have progressed over the last couple of years. I've slipped back sometimes and probably will still do occasionally but I just realized that I have been making progress. I thought that detaching meant it all had to be done in one grand slam gesture but for me it doesn't. Each time I reach a milestone I feel stronger. Maybe this is an approach you might consider with your daugher. Baby steps and with each baby step, if we stick to what we say, we set a boundary or as recently described to me as " a line of peace" (for myself). Boundary always sounds to me like I'm building "the wall". There's still a lot of ways I have to detach (not paying gas..a big one) but I think that the less enthralled I am in every little and big problem my sons have the stronger I become because I stop placing all my attention on them. The minute I slip back into feeling their feelings is when I need to climb back out of the rabbit hole fast! </p><p></p><p>I cannot force my sons to get a job. Gosh they've done that but then it doesn't last more than a hot minute and I'm back in my little worry hole. I've realized that getting a job and keeping a job is really just part of the big picture and if they don't want to make the changes they need to for themselves we can all be back on the merry-go-round in no time and quite honestly I've been on that ride for way to long!</p><p></p><p>I hope you can begin to take tiny baby steps of setting your "lines of peace". Don't be hard on yourself if you slip back...just pick yourself off and remember we are all human and be gentle with yourself. Gosh, if we don't love ourselves, who will?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 750079, member: 23405"] You know something I have only recently figured out "for myself" and it's possible others told me but I'm only grasping it now? It's that I can slowly detach meaning for instance I've detached from paying rent and deposits, I've detached from providing food (which was huge for me), I've detached from even meeting up to buy my oldest son an ice coffee and bagel (not because I'm heartless but because the more I see him the more it pains me and the more I want to interject my help and rescue). These things didn't happen all at once and have progressed over the last couple of years. I've slipped back sometimes and probably will still do occasionally but I just realized that I have been making progress. I thought that detaching meant it all had to be done in one grand slam gesture but for me it doesn't. Each time I reach a milestone I feel stronger. Maybe this is an approach you might consider with your daugher. Baby steps and with each baby step, if we stick to what we say, we set a boundary or as recently described to me as " a line of peace" (for myself). Boundary always sounds to me like I'm building "the wall". There's still a lot of ways I have to detach (not paying gas..a big one) but I think that the less enthralled I am in every little and big problem my sons have the stronger I become because I stop placing all my attention on them. The minute I slip back into feeling their feelings is when I need to climb back out of the rabbit hole fast! I cannot force my sons to get a job. Gosh they've done that but then it doesn't last more than a hot minute and I'm back in my little worry hole. I've realized that getting a job and keeping a job is really just part of the big picture and if they don't want to make the changes they need to for themselves we can all be back on the merry-go-round in no time and quite honestly I've been on that ride for way to long! I hope you can begin to take tiny baby steps of setting your "lines of peace". Don't be hard on yourself if you slip back...just pick yourself off and remember we are all human and be gentle with yourself. Gosh, if we don't love ourselves, who will? [/QUOTE]
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Desperate Mom needing advise with adult daughter of 22 with Borderline (Borderline (BPD))
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