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Message: <blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629185" data-attributes="member: 1550">Lucas would have likely been so vulnerable if he had grown up in the neighborhood he was born in that some drug dealer would have controlled him and forced him to deal drugs. He was born in Cook County Chicago in one of the highest crime and gang-infested areas there is. Unlike most adopted children, Lucas is very aware of this and has expressed many times how relieved he is that he doesn't live there. I guess he saw stuff on TV because I'd never belittle the place his birthparents lived and probably suffered from extreme poverty and lack of hope. I try to keep Lucas's birth family in as positive a light as I can to him. But he is aware that he could have lived in a dangerous place. And he never had that challenge of street drugs, gangs and war zones, thankfully. He is a gentle soul whereas he may not have turned out that way if he hadn't been moved to another world (a middle class, safe lifestyle). So, TL, I totally agree with you that nature certainly matters to a point. Being abused as a child matters too.However, even great parents end up with antisocial children. In fact, one child can be very well adjusted while another, maybe a child of another father or a stepchild or an adopted child can turn out to be like that "off" parent...the child is hardwired to be defiant against society. I really can't see anything any of us did so wrong that our children turned into criminals and most of our difficult children are. Most of us have law abiding, agreeable adult children as well. They are brought up the same.I always say if you have great kids you gave them some lucky genes, but if you don't and you were loving and kind and giving to your children, then something else is at work...nature.I do believe most adoptive parents believe that nature trumps nurture. It is hard to find anyone in my adoption parent group who doesn't feel that way because so many know/knew their child's family before the adoption or afterward. I believe some people are born with more resilience than others (Jumper being an example and 36 being an example of somebody who totally falls apart under pressure). Both were raised by us since birth.It is not helpful to feel guilty or to blame ourselves.Science is just now studying personality disorders, which seems to be what most of our difficult children seem to have. This is new territory. When I was a wee one, things like Autism was a form of schizophrenia caused by refrigerator mothers. Now we know about heredity, but back then it was Mom's fault. They are just learning about personality disorders and differences in the brain. If our kids are born with differences in the brain, there isn't much to feel guilty about, is there?In ten years we will know much more. Maybe there will actually be help. A mental illness that is not a personality disorder is far more understood and treatable, at this point, than a personality disorder, which, until this past decade, was thought to be untreatable. Borderline is an example. Just now they are learning that motivated borderlines can be helped, but it is by a very exact therapy called dialectal behavioral therapy, not medication and not talk therapy. This is brand new. We are young in this field.So our adult kids may have hope that we don't even know will exist in a few years. A reason to Keep the Faith and pray a lot to the higher power of our choice.</blockquote>

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