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Detachment and Guilt
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 673971" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Okie girl, we're so glad to hear from you, even though this is tough news I know. I am so sorry. You have been at this for a very very long time and it sounds like you have detached from him, which is a very good thing for you. Detachment with love doesn't mean anything "mean" or unkind, it just means standing back from a distance and watching the life of someone we love, without interference. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I imagine that you are so very very tired of all of this with him. </p><p></p><p>To protect yourself, your feelings go numb, and perhaps it is one more stage of grief for people who deal with long-term sadness like this. It is protection. I think that is a good thing. If you start to feel very very sad and depressed and/or angry, I think that is normal too. Whatever you feel, let it come. Let it flow through you and welcome it in. Not fighting our feelings helps so much with healing and moving forward emotionally, even in very small steps. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My son has been in jail multiple times for long periods of time, and another thing you could do is find out their policy about books. One time I sent books to him from Amazon as they required brand new books coming straight from the publisher (I guess people would put drugs in books they brought to the jail themselves). My son likes WWII books so I sent him several of those. I also used to put money on his canteen as well until I found out they used the money to gamble in jail, which made me kind of mad, so I stopped. I would put small sums if you do it. Also, cards and letters are good. I like writing because it allows me to say what I want to say without interruption. That was also healing for me.</p><p></p><p>Your son knows you love him, Okie Girl. He knows that. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs this holiday season---and it's even harder at the holidays to live with the sadness our DCs and their choices bring. We want so much to recover some of the Norman Rockwell-family-as it should be feeling but that's not realistic. Everybody's family is just struggling along, I have come to realize. There are hidden sadnesses in all of us, and there is no such thing as Normal Rockwell-happiness. It was all a myth anyway.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. Hang in there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 673971, member: 17542"] Okie girl, we're so glad to hear from you, even though this is tough news I know. I am so sorry. You have been at this for a very very long time and it sounds like you have detached from him, which is a very good thing for you. Detachment with love doesn't mean anything "mean" or unkind, it just means standing back from a distance and watching the life of someone we love, without interference. I think your feelings are perfectly normal. I imagine that you are so very very tired of all of this with him. To protect yourself, your feelings go numb, and perhaps it is one more stage of grief for people who deal with long-term sadness like this. It is protection. I think that is a good thing. If you start to feel very very sad and depressed and/or angry, I think that is normal too. Whatever you feel, let it come. Let it flow through you and welcome it in. Not fighting our feelings helps so much with healing and moving forward emotionally, even in very small steps. My son has been in jail multiple times for long periods of time, and another thing you could do is find out their policy about books. One time I sent books to him from Amazon as they required brand new books coming straight from the publisher (I guess people would put drugs in books they brought to the jail themselves). My son likes WWII books so I sent him several of those. I also used to put money on his canteen as well until I found out they used the money to gamble in jail, which made me kind of mad, so I stopped. I would put small sums if you do it. Also, cards and letters are good. I like writing because it allows me to say what I want to say without interruption. That was also healing for me. Your son knows you love him, Okie Girl. He knows that. Warm hugs this holiday season---and it's even harder at the holidays to live with the sadness our DCs and their choices bring. We want so much to recover some of the Norman Rockwell-family-as it should be feeling but that's not realistic. Everybody's family is just struggling along, I have come to realize. There are hidden sadnesses in all of us, and there is no such thing as Normal Rockwell-happiness. It was all a myth anyway. We're here for you. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]
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