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Family of Origin
Did I give birth to an unicorn? Or three easy steps to become a guru
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 665090" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I never thought of this before, that what my mother did was gaslighting, "the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial" target="_blank">denial</a> by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred." </p><p></p><p>For my whole life, my mother would deny that things took place. That did. I always believed her. I believed her intent. That she believed her version. That it was not a deliberate lie. </p><p></p><p>I thought she had some kind of selective, self-serving amnesia. Usually she lied to cover up some bad behavior on her part. Her lies represented what she should have done, but did not. Or to deny bad behavior that had hurt us.</p><p></p><p>An incident from the long ago past comes to mind. I do not know why I am remembering it now.</p><p></p><p>There was a resort, one of those old timey places. White with a wide front porch. A hotel or inn with rooms upstairs. The kids would be put upstairs to nap in the afternoon. </p><p></p><p>My Dad was not there. He was in the City maybe an hour and a half away. </p><p></p><p>I remember my mother entering the dark room with a man. The man was not my father. I think sexual things happened. </p><p></p><p>I asked my Mother later. She said my father had returned. He had not.</p><p></p><p>I am back to intent, here. There seems to have been a lack of intention to do the right thing for the children. There may have been the wish or wanting to be what they knew was right, what could have been. but not the will to have done so. To pay the cost of what good parenting would have been. To invest. At the cost of themselves, what the right thing would have been.</p><p></p><p>Or even to retroactively, repay the emotional capital to say I would have, I should have, I wish I had....My Mother did tell M's sister...I would tell my daughters I am sorry. </p><p></p><p>But she could not tell me herself. Why? Weeks before she would die, why could she not say it?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 665090, member: 18958"] I never thought of this before, that what my mother did was gaslighting, "the [URL='https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial']denial[/URL] by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred." For my whole life, my mother would deny that things took place. That did. I always believed her. I believed her intent. That she believed her version. That it was not a deliberate lie. I thought she had some kind of selective, self-serving amnesia. Usually she lied to cover up some bad behavior on her part. Her lies represented what she should have done, but did not. Or to deny bad behavior that had hurt us. An incident from the long ago past comes to mind. I do not know why I am remembering it now. There was a resort, one of those old timey places. White with a wide front porch. A hotel or inn with rooms upstairs. The kids would be put upstairs to nap in the afternoon. My Dad was not there. He was in the City maybe an hour and a half away. I remember my mother entering the dark room with a man. The man was not my father. I think sexual things happened. I asked my Mother later. She said my father had returned. He had not. I am back to intent, here. There seems to have been a lack of intention to do the right thing for the children. There may have been the wish or wanting to be what they knew was right, what could have been. but not the will to have done so. To pay the cost of what good parenting would have been. To invest. At the cost of themselves, what the right thing would have been. Or even to retroactively, repay the emotional capital to say I would have, I should have, I wish I had....My Mother did tell M's sister...I would tell my daughters I am sorry. But she could not tell me herself. Why? Weeks before she would die, why could she not say it? [/QUOTE]
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Did I give birth to an unicorn? Or three easy steps to become a guru
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