I am sorry I am only seeing this thread so late in the game, but I am seeing it when I most need it.
I admire what you did. I think you showed courage, resolve and excellent boundaries. I think I know what you felt, that paralyzing fear, the second-guessing and then the shame. I am dealing with a version of it, now. Beginning this post I did not recognize what was happening to me, but now, because of your sharing, I do.
My son behaved badly in my bank where I have gone a couple of times a week for many years. I am friendly and open with several woman there, like friends. I could see that they were afraid of him. And he acted towards me in front of them with hostility and disrespect.
I did not react but I can see now that my shame and sense of exposure afterwards are very like what happened to you. I feel like I just want to die. I want to crawl in a hole and never see the light of day. I don't want to ever go back to the bank.
I see that I took on responsibility for my son's behavior, as my own, and I see that that is regressive, but I cannot so far, work my way out of it. I felt (and feel) responsible for what he did. It became my offense. When it is not.
To me the principle issue in your encounter is NOT the drugs, although you were completely correct to clarify and to set a boundary. To me, the central dynamic here is voice and presence. You acted in the moment to protect yourself and your home. It as if you broke open a vial of poison inside of you so that it could drain out. Of course we feel toxic when we do this. But how else do we heal and purify ourselves of our past?
I don't know what could have been a comparable, strong action on my part in the bank. I had asked my son to not go in the bank. In both aggressive incidents he came up behind me. I did not see him. I could have said out loud in front of everybody, I apologize for my son's bad behavior, but I didn't. I thought the best thing to do was to leave. And then it happened a second time.
I feel horrible. I am carrying the bad behavior. The stigma. And I don't know how to rid myself of it. I feel just horrible.
I think I was afraid that somebody would hit the panic button, that the police would come, and that my son could be killed, by accident. Isn't that a shame, that all of that violence, that potential for disaster is within me? I am beginning to feel compassion for myself, now. Thank you.
I am sorry to hijack your thread, but wanted to acknowledge how brave and strong you are. I don't feel very brave or strong, and don't know how to fix myself.
