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difficult child is coming home - apparently....
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 631238" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>What we do in business is the polar opposite of what we must learn to do with our adult children who are in trouble. That is one reason we get so confused, because being a fixer/controller/manager/problem solver/get it done now kind of person is rewarded and encouraged and held up in our culture as the best way to be. So we get good at it---I'm really good at it---and then we try to use the very same skills with our adult children. And we hit a solid brick wall. Logic, reason, problem solving, talking things out, peer respect, being a leader, sacrificial giving, servanthood---all of the things we have learned just flat do not work when up against the 40-foot-tall monster called addiction. </p><p></p><p>In fact, we have to learn to do nothing and say nothing. To be silent, to be patient, to wait, to let go, to accept our own powerlessness (not helplessness) and to turn it over to a Higher Power. In fact, is is completely not ours to solve. It is someone else's to solve, and no amount of "teamwork" is ever going to get it done. In fact, the more we care, and the more involved and engaged we get, the worse the situation often becomes.</p><p></p><p>It is only by going "hands off" that the other person has a real chance to change, because we have created enough space and distance and a chance for them to step in and take charge of their own lives. That is the only way they can change or will change. </p><p></p><p>It is a paradox, and we have to learn how to do it, and we are literal babes in the woods, all of us amazingly capable people, when it comes to this new skill set. </p><p></p><p>But, Where, we CAN learn. And we do learn, if we work at it. And along the way, we find a level of happiness we never knew before, a degree of gratitude, a new maturity, a new contentment, joy, peace, serenity. Where, I never had these things before now. I was just going as fast as I could go, and man was I a whirlwind of accomplishment. Just watch me go! </p><p></p><p>But I was missing so much of life that I find now in the silence and in the doing-nothing and in the peace that is left when the whirlwind stops. </p><p></p><p>But we have to work hard to get here. It will not just happen. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, that is so absolutely correct. If you keep on working hard---reading these books, posting on this board, reading this board, going to Al-Anon meetings, other 12-step meetings that may be relevant, praying, being kind to yourself, meditating, sitting in silence----if you start using some of these tools regularly, you will be amazed at the change in yourself. Regardless of what your adult child does or does not do. It becomes NOT about them, but about YOU. </p><p></p><p>It is an amazing journey. I am so grateful today that I have been placed here, and that I have had to endure this past four years, not because I would wish it on myself or my son, but along the painful, hard, terrible way, I have changed for the better. I am a better person today than I was four years ago. Trial by fire. </p><p></p><p>Keep reading.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 631238, member: 17542"] What we do in business is the polar opposite of what we must learn to do with our adult children who are in trouble. That is one reason we get so confused, because being a fixer/controller/manager/problem solver/get it done now kind of person is rewarded and encouraged and held up in our culture as the best way to be. So we get good at it---I'm really good at it---and then we try to use the very same skills with our adult children. And we hit a solid brick wall. Logic, reason, problem solving, talking things out, peer respect, being a leader, sacrificial giving, servanthood---all of the things we have learned just flat do not work when up against the 40-foot-tall monster called addiction. In fact, we have to learn to do nothing and say nothing. To be silent, to be patient, to wait, to let go, to accept our own powerlessness (not helplessness) and to turn it over to a Higher Power. In fact, is is completely not ours to solve. It is someone else's to solve, and no amount of "teamwork" is ever going to get it done. In fact, the more we care, and the more involved and engaged we get, the worse the situation often becomes. It is only by going "hands off" that the other person has a real chance to change, because we have created enough space and distance and a chance for them to step in and take charge of their own lives. That is the only way they can change or will change. It is a paradox, and we have to learn how to do it, and we are literal babes in the woods, all of us amazingly capable people, when it comes to this new skill set. But, Where, we CAN learn. And we do learn, if we work at it. And along the way, we find a level of happiness we never knew before, a degree of gratitude, a new maturity, a new contentment, joy, peace, serenity. Where, I never had these things before now. I was just going as fast as I could go, and man was I a whirlwind of accomplishment. Just watch me go! But I was missing so much of life that I find now in the silence and in the doing-nothing and in the peace that is left when the whirlwind stops. But we have to work hard to get here. It will not just happen. Yes, that is so absolutely correct. If you keep on working hard---reading these books, posting on this board, reading this board, going to Al-Anon meetings, other 12-step meetings that may be relevant, praying, being kind to yourself, meditating, sitting in silence----if you start using some of these tools regularly, you will be amazed at the change in yourself. Regardless of what your adult child does or does not do. It becomes NOT about them, but about YOU. It is an amazing journey. I am so grateful today that I have been placed here, and that I have had to endure this past four years, not because I would wish it on myself or my son, but along the painful, hard, terrible way, I have changed for the better. I am a better person today than I was four years ago. Trial by fire. Keep reading. [/QUOTE]
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