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Difficult Child Update - "In Your Face Mom"
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 651419" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Weary,</p><p></p><p>that was a perfect, perfect response. Sometimes I think of the goals of detachment as behaving impeccably..that sounds a bit cold, but really it means behaving in a way that you won't have cause to regret, no matter who looks at it (including you) later.</p><p></p><p>You behaved impeccably. You DO hope it works out for her! You hope LIFE works out for her...you hope it in and intense, loving, mom way. What you said is true. </p><p></p><p>What you didn't do was get pulled back into the dance. She wanted to engage in shock, so that she could brawl with you by text, tell you all that you have done wrong. But you haven't done anything wrong (or probably you have, we all do, bless our mommy hearts), but you haven't done anything that needs a text assault. You did perfectly.</p><p></p><p>In earlier days of Difficult Child, my SO, who had a severely , psychotically ill mother for whom he was the sole care provided from age 13 on, told me that I could relax when Difficult Child was admitted to the psychiatric ward...I was shocked and horrified...WHAT??? MY BABY IS IN THE CRAZY HOUSE!!! HOW CAN I RELAX??</p><p></p><p>But he was right. Sometimes, when they are doing what they are doing, it is time for us to step back, know they are busy, or far away, or, if hospitalized or jailed, hopefully safe or at least safer. </p><p></p><p>She is 100 miles away. She things she won over you somehow. She is engaged in making her own life, good or bad, but she feels empowered.</p><p></p><p>You can relax for a bit now, and savor the relief. Do what YOU do while she does what she does. Buy some flowers for the robbery-safe house. Put on some music. Seduce your husband. Binge watch TV. Whatever you do when life is good. Because YOUR life can be good.</p><p></p><p>Now is the time for life itself to teach her lessons. Most likely she will be back, but maybe not. You can use a little of this time (after you have done the stuff above) to think how you will react if she barrages you with texts demanding money when she can't make rent (I suggest you not read or answer, and maybe even block her). Child used to set a single time of the week when she would talk with her son...if he didn't make it, then he had to wait till next week. It took a bit, but they settled into a pattern that was healthy for her. </p><p></p><p>Don't think about possible pregnancy yet, that is too far away to be real.</p><p></p><p>Good luck in these next days. Take some deep breaths that are free of her, if you can. Post often. Read self help books.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you,</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 651419, member: 17269"] Weary, that was a perfect, perfect response. Sometimes I think of the goals of detachment as behaving impeccably..that sounds a bit cold, but really it means behaving in a way that you won't have cause to regret, no matter who looks at it (including you) later. You behaved impeccably. You DO hope it works out for her! You hope LIFE works out for her...you hope it in and intense, loving, mom way. What you said is true. What you didn't do was get pulled back into the dance. She wanted to engage in shock, so that she could brawl with you by text, tell you all that you have done wrong. But you haven't done anything wrong (or probably you have, we all do, bless our mommy hearts), but you haven't done anything that needs a text assault. You did perfectly. In earlier days of Difficult Child, my SO, who had a severely , psychotically ill mother for whom he was the sole care provided from age 13 on, told me that I could relax when Difficult Child was admitted to the psychiatric ward...I was shocked and horrified...WHAT??? MY BABY IS IN THE CRAZY HOUSE!!! HOW CAN I RELAX?? But he was right. Sometimes, when they are doing what they are doing, it is time for us to step back, know they are busy, or far away, or, if hospitalized or jailed, hopefully safe or at least safer. She is 100 miles away. She things she won over you somehow. She is engaged in making her own life, good or bad, but she feels empowered. You can relax for a bit now, and savor the relief. Do what YOU do while she does what she does. Buy some flowers for the robbery-safe house. Put on some music. Seduce your husband. Binge watch TV. Whatever you do when life is good. Because YOUR life can be good. Now is the time for life itself to teach her lessons. Most likely she will be back, but maybe not. You can use a little of this time (after you have done the stuff above) to think how you will react if she barrages you with texts demanding money when she can't make rent (I suggest you not read or answer, and maybe even block her). Child used to set a single time of the week when she would talk with her son...if he didn't make it, then he had to wait till next week. It took a bit, but they settled into a pattern that was healthy for her. Don't think about possible pregnancy yet, that is too far away to be real. Good luck in these next days. Take some deep breaths that are free of her, if you can. Post often. Read self help books. Hugs to you, Echo [/QUOTE]
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