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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 564447" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>@ SuZir, I appreciate your thoughts. Even though we don't know each other, I've been away for more than a year and haven't confided much if anything about the abusive aspect of my marriage. I know I'm on the brink of walking back into the same situation ... and even if overt abuse didn't recur, which I don't think is very likely, life would be on my diagnosis's terms - his values, goals, wishes. He talks now about organic gardens and heritage chickens because that's what inspires me; but since he's felt more comfortable that I'm not gone forever, he has stopped some of the changes he'd made in past months. I don't know that the promises would come to be reality. After my 'friend's' departure, I don't think anything men say is worth one plugged wooden nickel. 'Talk is cheap. Show me what you truly believe', is my credo now. I suspect that the things we talk about now would never come to fruition. Losing yourself can be so easy. That's what I've taken from my marriage. I appreciate your advice about making my decisions based on my desires and hopes. </p><p></p><p>@ tiredmommy, it nags at me that the issue of regaining my assets, if not his first object (which is me, personally), is high on his list of priorities. He wanted me to pay him back for what he saw as an inequity in asset division. He wants all assets back in joint accounts. He wanted new wills made in which we would each will our assets to the other. He's willing to bequeath me his assets because he says he knows I'd do the 'right thing' by our children. But he equally wants to know that my assets are bequeathed to him. So is he that cold-hearted? I think he honestly believes he isn't. But he honestly also wants 'his' money back under his control. </p><p></p><p>@DDD - I agree with you, I believe that my diagnosis doesn't believe he is taking advantage of me. He's narcissistic but doesn't fit the typical profile. He isn't conniving, deceitful, or cold. He is passionate, and at core he is straightforward and honest. The difficulty is that he is straightforwardly oblivious to how his actions affect others. He operates solely in terms of how things affect him, because he truly doesn't understand that others really exist. He cares about his children and me in an abstract sense, and passionately - but he doesn't understand how his words and actions affect us in daily life. In the past he would honestly talk proudly about me to his co-workers and then come home and back me up against a wall, screaming threats in my face about the state of the house and what he would do to me, until I was sobbing in a heap on the floor. But he's always believed that he loves me. He states that he's never been unfaithful to me in 29 years and, strange as it may seem, I think he's telling the truth. It wasn't necessary to his ego. But his obliviousness hurts all of us, and now it hurts him as well. </p><p></p><p>I can't walk away from the pain my oldest son has confided in me. My biggest regret and agony by far has been the effect my inadequacy may have had on my children's wellbeing. I could never take up with my diagnosis again, knowing that my children would be incredulous and hurt. I guess you're right. I can't go on with this. I wish I could put it off but that's just more weakness on my part. It's pathetic - something in me wants not to disrupt the coming holiday, wants to not be the source of unhappiness and grief and lack of a proper 'Christmas' for my kids. But living a lie is probably worse. Maybe my kids should just sleep on the floor of my apartment and we can have a non-traditional Christmas dinner, and I can regain some integrity. I feel that everything I've done so far has been with integrity, even if done with bad legal advice. But now I don't have that protection.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 564447, member: 2884"] @ SuZir, I appreciate your thoughts. Even though we don't know each other, I've been away for more than a year and haven't confided much if anything about the abusive aspect of my marriage. I know I'm on the brink of walking back into the same situation ... and even if overt abuse didn't recur, which I don't think is very likely, life would be on my diagnosis's terms - his values, goals, wishes. He talks now about organic gardens and heritage chickens because that's what inspires me; but since he's felt more comfortable that I'm not gone forever, he has stopped some of the changes he'd made in past months. I don't know that the promises would come to be reality. After my 'friend's' departure, I don't think anything men say is worth one plugged wooden nickel. 'Talk is cheap. Show me what you truly believe', is my credo now. I suspect that the things we talk about now would never come to fruition. Losing yourself can be so easy. That's what I've taken from my marriage. I appreciate your advice about making my decisions based on my desires and hopes. @ tiredmommy, it nags at me that the issue of regaining my assets, if not his first object (which is me, personally), is high on his list of priorities. He wanted me to pay him back for what he saw as an inequity in asset division. He wants all assets back in joint accounts. He wanted new wills made in which we would each will our assets to the other. He's willing to bequeath me his assets because he says he knows I'd do the 'right thing' by our children. But he equally wants to know that my assets are bequeathed to him. So is he that cold-hearted? I think he honestly believes he isn't. But he honestly also wants 'his' money back under his control. @DDD - I agree with you, I believe that my diagnosis doesn't believe he is taking advantage of me. He's narcissistic but doesn't fit the typical profile. He isn't conniving, deceitful, or cold. He is passionate, and at core he is straightforward and honest. The difficulty is that he is straightforwardly oblivious to how his actions affect others. He operates solely in terms of how things affect him, because he truly doesn't understand that others really exist. He cares about his children and me in an abstract sense, and passionately - but he doesn't understand how his words and actions affect us in daily life. In the past he would honestly talk proudly about me to his co-workers and then come home and back me up against a wall, screaming threats in my face about the state of the house and what he would do to me, until I was sobbing in a heap on the floor. But he's always believed that he loves me. He states that he's never been unfaithful to me in 29 years and, strange as it may seem, I think he's telling the truth. It wasn't necessary to his ego. But his obliviousness hurts all of us, and now it hurts him as well. I can't walk away from the pain my oldest son has confided in me. My biggest regret and agony by far has been the effect my inadequacy may have had on my children's wellbeing. I could never take up with my diagnosis again, knowing that my children would be incredulous and hurt. I guess you're right. I can't go on with this. I wish I could put it off but that's just more weakness on my part. It's pathetic - something in me wants not to disrupt the coming holiday, wants to not be the source of unhappiness and grief and lack of a proper 'Christmas' for my kids. But living a lie is probably worse. Maybe my kids should just sleep on the floor of my apartment and we can have a non-traditional Christmas dinner, and I can regain some integrity. I feel that everything I've done so far has been with integrity, even if done with bad legal advice. But now I don't have that protection. [/QUOTE]
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