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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 564474" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Katya, </p><p></p><p>I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this situation in the real world "alone". Worse yet I think is the fact that while many people (and I would think after talking to you over the years I'd include you in this category) you've come to a place in your life where being alone didn't bother you -it was manageable, you told yourself you were okay, but now faced with possible end of life choices? You don't want to be lonely. You said yourself "I don't want to die alone." (words to that affect) - and I say "Who among us really does?" When you think about your own mortality? It's rather offending, scary, unknowing. You start doubting and second guessing your life, everyone has a regret or two. I think those are farily normal feelings. And then in your situation you have chemo on top of it all - so you're not feeling well at all. I think there have been several board members whom over the years have had cancer, or gone through chemo, or even passed from it---Oddly enough.....You're worrying about a situation that could take years to manifest...and literally walk out of your house this Winter, slip on a sidewalk, fall down, hit your head and go like (snap) -----I say this because of the many, many people in the world, each day that wake up and have no idea that today is their day to leave the world. You are NOT a woman that borrows misery......You've had so much that your cup runneth over, and now your saucer is full.....and just when you started to clear the table? Well here comes the waiter to give you a "nother CUPPA".....</p><p></p><p>Sister you need a new restaurant........different waiter......and you need to let them ALL know......THEY AINT got the only Rattatouie in town. Get my drift? Even the rather large former (and I'll say this loosely) FRIEND who pursued you hotly and then when he figures you may need a hand, or are going to loose a breast......well he's all of a sudden got OTHER interests? Wow I don't think I've ever told ANYONE to say to someone "Gosh I'm so thankful I had Chemo - because if this is what kind of a friend you REALLY REALLY ARE? I'm glad I know now." But honestly? What a worm. We've stopped on the side of the road and given more assistance to total STRANGERS with loads -------boatloads more compassion that that "SO CALLED FRIEND" gave you. IIIIIIIIIIISHHHHHHH. LOOSER. Has a WONDERFUL WOMAN as a friend......and the minute there may be a need to be a true friend......."(GUNSHOT SOUND) ............see ya? Yeah - count that as a blessing for sure. (looser) gosh did I say that twice? Must really mean it. </p><p></p><p>As far as your ex? (makes exhale sound with ghusto) ........grunts......aheeeeem. Well. Didn't he see a LOVELY opportunity to get back into YOUR good graces? Need a ride? CALL a cab. Need someone to be there when youre vomiting? Ask for home health nurse......Know you're going to die? Get hospice. That's how much I'd figure on EVER EVER EVER asking an abusive ex that messed up MY life, and my KIDS' life back into MY life.......I ABSOLUTELY ADORE.......OPPORTUNISTIC ......weasly......vampiric personalities......and couple them with narcissistic behaviors and personality disorders? LOVELY. I had people like this in my life. And it's never ceased to amaze me about the HUMAN CONDITION.....that they are there.....((((((FOR YOU)))))) when it could benefit THEM in the eyes of others or financially. After TWENTY NINE YEARS..........TWENTY NINE YEARS......you finally get rid of him......and he's back to hold your hair while you puke and fetch you some soup.........and now he TELLS YOU when you are getting married......and the BOSSYNESS starts all over again? </p><p>Seriously girlfriend??????? </p><p></p><p>YOU are a phenominal physician........a GIFTED.....(LORD ARE YOU GIFTED) writer......you have delved out advice to me.......that made SO MUCH SENSE.....it was like (yeah.....she 'gets me') and it made me smile. So if I'm rough here or blunt.....forgive the rude part but please see that part of the girlfriend that is like........WHA????? She wants WHO ?????? WHY?????? FOR WHAT?????? She's the IT girl.......has it all......has hit a bump in the road......or a lump in the breast as it were.......and is going to get through this........find happiness on her OWN first......then share that with another person. </p><p></p><p>One thing I did learn in therapy. If I learned nothing else. I have to have MY mind right.....before I can have a relationship work. I have to know where to draw MY lines in the sand and HOW TO SAY NO>>>>>>>without guilt......and stand up for MYSELF.....or my realtionship is just not going to work. I have to have trust, and peace, and happiness......THAT I CAN BELIEVE IT......and THEN i have to have passion. I know all that because I have no money......and DF was disabled AFTER we were togther 5 years.....and we've been together 13 ------and while there are ups and downs.....I KNOW if I get sick? He's not going to run out on me......and he's NOT going to tell me what to do......its MY CHOICE till the end. And IF I am so incapacitated I can't make those choices? He knows WHAT my choices are......and will carry them out for me. </p><p></p><p>AND in the mean time???????? You have friends HERE........to LIFT YOU........and help you......and make you laugh......and if we don't? Then you need to be honest with yourself and get thee to a doctor.......and get help. You can't worry about your kids.......and your husband.......and what makes THEM happy.......YOu have GOT TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY......and if that's packing up the house, moving to Alaska and writing every morning from the deck of a log cabin and tossing pancakes to grizzlys??????? Then do that....but dont sit there and debate how to give everyone a little piece of your self so fast that you forget what makes katya katya. HER FIRST. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 564474, member: 4964"] Katya, I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this situation in the real world "alone". Worse yet I think is the fact that while many people (and I would think after talking to you over the years I'd include you in this category) you've come to a place in your life where being alone didn't bother you -it was manageable, you told yourself you were okay, but now faced with possible end of life choices? You don't want to be lonely. You said yourself "I don't want to die alone." (words to that affect) - and I say "Who among us really does?" When you think about your own mortality? It's rather offending, scary, unknowing. You start doubting and second guessing your life, everyone has a regret or two. I think those are farily normal feelings. And then in your situation you have chemo on top of it all - so you're not feeling well at all. I think there have been several board members whom over the years have had cancer, or gone through chemo, or even passed from it---Oddly enough.....You're worrying about a situation that could take years to manifest...and literally walk out of your house this Winter, slip on a sidewalk, fall down, hit your head and go like (snap) -----I say this because of the many, many people in the world, each day that wake up and have no idea that today is their day to leave the world. You are NOT a woman that borrows misery......You've had so much that your cup runneth over, and now your saucer is full.....and just when you started to clear the table? Well here comes the waiter to give you a "nother CUPPA"..... Sister you need a new restaurant........different waiter......and you need to let them ALL know......THEY AINT got the only Rattatouie in town. Get my drift? Even the rather large former (and I'll say this loosely) FRIEND who pursued you hotly and then when he figures you may need a hand, or are going to loose a breast......well he's all of a sudden got OTHER interests? Wow I don't think I've ever told ANYONE to say to someone "Gosh I'm so thankful I had Chemo - because if this is what kind of a friend you REALLY REALLY ARE? I'm glad I know now." But honestly? What a worm. We've stopped on the side of the road and given more assistance to total STRANGERS with loads -------boatloads more compassion that that "SO CALLED FRIEND" gave you. IIIIIIIIIIISHHHHHHH. LOOSER. Has a WONDERFUL WOMAN as a friend......and the minute there may be a need to be a true friend......."(GUNSHOT SOUND) ............see ya? Yeah - count that as a blessing for sure. (looser) gosh did I say that twice? Must really mean it. As far as your ex? (makes exhale sound with ghusto) ........grunts......aheeeeem. Well. Didn't he see a LOVELY opportunity to get back into YOUR good graces? Need a ride? CALL a cab. Need someone to be there when youre vomiting? Ask for home health nurse......Know you're going to die? Get hospice. That's how much I'd figure on EVER EVER EVER asking an abusive ex that messed up MY life, and my KIDS' life back into MY life.......I ABSOLUTELY ADORE.......OPPORTUNISTIC ......weasly......vampiric personalities......and couple them with narcissistic behaviors and personality disorders? LOVELY. I had people like this in my life. And it's never ceased to amaze me about the HUMAN CONDITION.....that they are there.....((((((FOR YOU)))))) when it could benefit THEM in the eyes of others or financially. After TWENTY NINE YEARS..........TWENTY NINE YEARS......you finally get rid of him......and he's back to hold your hair while you puke and fetch you some soup.........and now he TELLS YOU when you are getting married......and the BOSSYNESS starts all over again? Seriously girlfriend??????? YOU are a phenominal physician........a GIFTED.....(LORD ARE YOU GIFTED) writer......you have delved out advice to me.......that made SO MUCH SENSE.....it was like (yeah.....she 'gets me') and it made me smile. So if I'm rough here or blunt.....forgive the rude part but please see that part of the girlfriend that is like........WHA????? She wants WHO ?????? WHY?????? FOR WHAT?????? She's the IT girl.......has it all......has hit a bump in the road......or a lump in the breast as it were.......and is going to get through this........find happiness on her OWN first......then share that with another person. One thing I did learn in therapy. If I learned nothing else. I have to have MY mind right.....before I can have a relationship work. I have to know where to draw MY lines in the sand and HOW TO SAY NO>>>>>>>without guilt......and stand up for MYSELF.....or my realtionship is just not going to work. I have to have trust, and peace, and happiness......THAT I CAN BELIEVE IT......and THEN i have to have passion. I know all that because I have no money......and DF was disabled AFTER we were togther 5 years.....and we've been together 13 ------and while there are ups and downs.....I KNOW if I get sick? He's not going to run out on me......and he's NOT going to tell me what to do......its MY CHOICE till the end. And IF I am so incapacitated I can't make those choices? He knows WHAT my choices are......and will carry them out for me. AND in the mean time???????? You have friends HERE........to LIFT YOU........and help you......and make you laugh......and if we don't? Then you need to be honest with yourself and get thee to a doctor.......and get help. You can't worry about your kids.......and your husband.......and what makes THEM happy.......YOu have GOT TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY......and if that's packing up the house, moving to Alaska and writing every morning from the deck of a log cabin and tossing pancakes to grizzlys??????? Then do that....but dont sit there and debate how to give everyone a little piece of your self so fast that you forget what makes katya katya. HER FIRST. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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