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Dilemma re ex-husband
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 564484" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>oh my, ohmy ... Susie and Star ... I know we've been on this board for awhile ... you guys make me laugh and cry all at once. SO thankful for both of you, for everyone in this compassionate place, but you guys know me. Susie, thank you for the reality check. I know my kids (except difficult child) wouldn't care where we celebrated Christmas, or how. The younger ones care for diagnosis and don't have quite the same memories as easy child 1, but they also support me completely. My easy child 1 did say that he's glad diagnosis is being helpful - that if diagnosis didn't do the minimum, he'd never speak to him again - but doesn't expect that to turn into the full-court press that's going on. </p><p></p><p>It's been possibly the hardest year of my life, although some of the years in the 1990s when the kids were getting their diagnoses and the abuse was at its worst - I don't know, maybe not. But you're right, divorcing, moving, and getting a cancer diagnosis have sort of put me on the floor for a few counts. I know you're right about the finances ... it's one of the major buttons that if diagnosis pushes, he'll find himself facing a nuclear explosion after all that's happened. I'm SO terrified of EVER being financially dependent again, you can't imagine. Even though everything was 'joint' all these years, it really just meant that I paid the bills and listened to him rant about why there wasn't more in the bank at the end of the year. I gave him statements and explanations every year but it never mattered. Now that it's all on HIM, he's astonished that after paying property taxes, college tuition for three kids, living expenses for all four, and basic expenses otherwise, there isn't as much left as he's always assumed should be ... big surprise. I've told him that for years but he never believed me; now suddenly I'm a financial wizard. Wish he'd thought that before. All the $$ was always his; I always had to ask permission to give something to the church, or for charity, and was always denied ... could never buy anything without permission. But HE bought whatever he wanted, anytime, because HE worked so hard that he deserved whatever he wanted. I wasn't consulted over his purchase of a $70K+ BMW sedan, over any of the computers he bought himself, etc. In spite of all his computer purchases I still use second-hand computers - which is fine - just a contrast, as he would never ever use a second-hand computer. Only the latest, fastest, best for him. </p><p></p><p>I've had a couple appointments with a therapist associated with the cancer center here. I told him about diagnosis's involvement and he was very wary, but didn't want to squash the idea given that I was new in town and had no other social supports. However, he doesn't know the backstory about the abuse. I've emailed today to ask him for a series of further appointments to go into this stuff. I can also check out the DV support system in town but will definitely pursue the appointments with the cancer center therapist if he's good. He's so young - I have to admit it's weird for me to talk about things to a guy in his 30s when I'm 53 and have seen so much more of life than he has. I did extra psychiatric work in medication school and residency and recall feeling out of my depth when we moved to James Bay (subarctic in Canada - south end of Hudson Bay) right out of training. Everyone there either drank or was hooked on prescription medications. The women were so badly off - 5 pregnancies by the age of 23 and domestic violence, alcoholism, depression, multiple overdoses, no hope economically, no hope of escape - and they would come in to have 'counseling' from me. I was 26, fresh out of school with a husband who partied late with the nurses and a baby 14 months old, and I had nothing for them in spite of my training. Not a clue. I get the feeling this 30-something guy looks at me the same way, lol. Anyway ... I will get professional help one way or another because you're right Susie, this is something I need help to work through in a sane way. </p><p></p><p>And Starbie ... so good to hear from you! You got it ... I've been lonely for a whole lot of years, that's why I was so vulnerable to my *friend* (not) when he put his own version of the full-court press on. Very lonely, very vulnerable. So yes, I really really didn't want to face the prospect of a lingering horrible terminal illness alone. I was just not prepared for this when I'd finally gotten free and started making my own way. It made my so-called friend's rejection much more painful. Even now I know it's better that he showed himself for what he really is (sociopathic user a**hole with a smooth public persona); but. It still hurts, it still feels a) like I was SUCH an idiot to get so badly played; and b) like somehow I just wasn't good enough for anyone but my abusive ex-husband. Which isn't a good feeling. I know, people tell me there are good men out there, but somehow I've stumbled across some of the worst and I just don't have that balancing experience to give me any hope for the future. So, leaving the sociopathic 'friend' and my diagnosis alone, I have no expectation of any future healthy personal relationships. </p><p></p><p>So my bump in the road/lump in the breast has shown me some things that were good for me to see, but painful at the time. And now? One good thing is that I really really do enjoy the stuff I'm learning in this training program. I was always passionate about it, but it got lost in the whole relationship/marriage/children/fit yourself into your spouse's plans thing years ago. I've always wanted to do environmental/public/occupational health. I love reading this stuff. I love working on practical aspects of this stuff. I could enjoy going somewhere in the world with Medecins Sans Frontiers, or staying right here and workng on public health programs, or working on panels to make policy on environmental health issues. I'm stoked at the idea of doing site inspections and workplace evaluations, of writing policy or regulations to prevent the sort of disaster that just happened in Bangladesh (textile company fire with more than 100 workers killed). My diagnosis wants me to return to smalltown, PA to work locally and go on trips with him to enjoy ourselves. I'm not against enjoyment, but I don't want to pass up the one remaining opportunity I may have to do something that makes a difference, before I die. </p><p></p><p>As you say ... if it takes me moving to Alaska and throwing pancakes to the brown bears, then that should be fine. I know my kids think that's fine. I just have to get past my guilt and the hoovering that my diagnosis is doing. I've given up everything, my entire adult life, for other people. Before I die (sounds dramatic, I know, but this stupid cancer could come back in a year or in twenty years - one is as likely as the other), I'd like to try to accomplish a couple of things that KATYA always wanted to do. So, thanks, guys. You are reality checks in my upside-down life. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 564484, member: 2884"] oh my, ohmy ... Susie and Star ... I know we've been on this board for awhile ... you guys make me laugh and cry all at once. SO thankful for both of you, for everyone in this compassionate place, but you guys know me. Susie, thank you for the reality check. I know my kids (except difficult child) wouldn't care where we celebrated Christmas, or how. The younger ones care for diagnosis and don't have quite the same memories as easy child 1, but they also support me completely. My easy child 1 did say that he's glad diagnosis is being helpful - that if diagnosis didn't do the minimum, he'd never speak to him again - but doesn't expect that to turn into the full-court press that's going on. It's been possibly the hardest year of my life, although some of the years in the 1990s when the kids were getting their diagnoses and the abuse was at its worst - I don't know, maybe not. But you're right, divorcing, moving, and getting a cancer diagnosis have sort of put me on the floor for a few counts. I know you're right about the finances ... it's one of the major buttons that if diagnosis pushes, he'll find himself facing a nuclear explosion after all that's happened. I'm SO terrified of EVER being financially dependent again, you can't imagine. Even though everything was 'joint' all these years, it really just meant that I paid the bills and listened to him rant about why there wasn't more in the bank at the end of the year. I gave him statements and explanations every year but it never mattered. Now that it's all on HIM, he's astonished that after paying property taxes, college tuition for three kids, living expenses for all four, and basic expenses otherwise, there isn't as much left as he's always assumed should be ... big surprise. I've told him that for years but he never believed me; now suddenly I'm a financial wizard. Wish he'd thought that before. All the $$ was always his; I always had to ask permission to give something to the church, or for charity, and was always denied ... could never buy anything without permission. But HE bought whatever he wanted, anytime, because HE worked so hard that he deserved whatever he wanted. I wasn't consulted over his purchase of a $70K+ BMW sedan, over any of the computers he bought himself, etc. In spite of all his computer purchases I still use second-hand computers - which is fine - just a contrast, as he would never ever use a second-hand computer. Only the latest, fastest, best for him. I've had a couple appointments with a therapist associated with the cancer center here. I told him about diagnosis's involvement and he was very wary, but didn't want to squash the idea given that I was new in town and had no other social supports. However, he doesn't know the backstory about the abuse. I've emailed today to ask him for a series of further appointments to go into this stuff. I can also check out the DV support system in town but will definitely pursue the appointments with the cancer center therapist if he's good. He's so young - I have to admit it's weird for me to talk about things to a guy in his 30s when I'm 53 and have seen so much more of life than he has. I did extra psychiatric work in medication school and residency and recall feeling out of my depth when we moved to James Bay (subarctic in Canada - south end of Hudson Bay) right out of training. Everyone there either drank or was hooked on prescription medications. The women were so badly off - 5 pregnancies by the age of 23 and domestic violence, alcoholism, depression, multiple overdoses, no hope economically, no hope of escape - and they would come in to have 'counseling' from me. I was 26, fresh out of school with a husband who partied late with the nurses and a baby 14 months old, and I had nothing for them in spite of my training. Not a clue. I get the feeling this 30-something guy looks at me the same way, lol. Anyway ... I will get professional help one way or another because you're right Susie, this is something I need help to work through in a sane way. And Starbie ... so good to hear from you! You got it ... I've been lonely for a whole lot of years, that's why I was so vulnerable to my *friend* (not) when he put his own version of the full-court press on. Very lonely, very vulnerable. So yes, I really really didn't want to face the prospect of a lingering horrible terminal illness alone. I was just not prepared for this when I'd finally gotten free and started making my own way. It made my so-called friend's rejection much more painful. Even now I know it's better that he showed himself for what he really is (sociopathic user a**hole with a smooth public persona); but. It still hurts, it still feels a) like I was SUCH an idiot to get so badly played; and b) like somehow I just wasn't good enough for anyone but my abusive ex-husband. Which isn't a good feeling. I know, people tell me there are good men out there, but somehow I've stumbled across some of the worst and I just don't have that balancing experience to give me any hope for the future. So, leaving the sociopathic 'friend' and my diagnosis alone, I have no expectation of any future healthy personal relationships. So my bump in the road/lump in the breast has shown me some things that were good for me to see, but painful at the time. And now? One good thing is that I really really do enjoy the stuff I'm learning in this training program. I was always passionate about it, but it got lost in the whole relationship/marriage/children/fit yourself into your spouse's plans thing years ago. I've always wanted to do environmental/public/occupational health. I love reading this stuff. I love working on practical aspects of this stuff. I could enjoy going somewhere in the world with Medecins Sans Frontiers, or staying right here and workng on public health programs, or working on panels to make policy on environmental health issues. I'm stoked at the idea of doing site inspections and workplace evaluations, of writing policy or regulations to prevent the sort of disaster that just happened in Bangladesh (textile company fire with more than 100 workers killed). My diagnosis wants me to return to smalltown, PA to work locally and go on trips with him to enjoy ourselves. I'm not against enjoyment, but I don't want to pass up the one remaining opportunity I may have to do something that makes a difference, before I die. As you say ... if it takes me moving to Alaska and throwing pancakes to the brown bears, then that should be fine. I know my kids think that's fine. I just have to get past my guilt and the hoovering that my diagnosis is doing. I've given up everything, my entire adult life, for other people. Before I die (sounds dramatic, I know, but this stupid cancer could come back in a year or in twenty years - one is as likely as the other), I'd like to try to accomplish a couple of things that KATYA always wanted to do. So, thanks, guys. You are reality checks in my upside-down life. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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