You and your wife seem to have pretty good instincts. I would try to follow them. When in doubt about what to do, remember a few small things.
United Front - You MUST be on the same page with your wife on whatever is presented to the kids, especially this daughter. No matter what. You MUST back each other up.
Time - She is old enough that consequences don't have to be immediate. She can remember what she did and that she has earned the consequences when you discuss them later. Take the time to cool off and discuss the situation with your wife. This time allows YOU to cool down, think it through and choose how to handle it best. I used to be a real hothead who gave harsh punishments that I totally regretted. Then I either had to enforce them and be an ogre or back down and be wishy washy. Neither was a good option.
Consequence - Make sure that the consequence of what she did is logical. If she makes a mess, she cleans it up and cleans up something else too. That type of thing. So that the consequence is tied to the problem and makes sense. It never hurts to get a little creative with those consequences. Though after finding the three day old dinner dishes in his bed, my brother never did ignore that chore again. And no, my mom did NOT make sure they were dry before she dumped them on his unmade bed. But that might not be the best thing at first for your daughter AT THIS TIME. She is too fragile now.
Stability - She needs to know the rules are still the same and you love her enough to make her follow them, at least the safety ones. I once HORRIFIED my husband when my oldest was a toddler. Wiz asked why another child got to ride in a car without a carseat. I answered that it was because his mommy didn't love him enough to make sure he followed the safety rules and stayed buckled up. My hubby thought I was WAY out of line, but I see that issue this way today same as I did 23 years ago. Let her know that the safety rules, and consequences for breaking them, are because you love her enough to keep her safe.
Above all, focus on the positive as much as you can. Work with rewards rather than consequences. Animal behavioral training fascinates me and I think could revolutionize how we raise and educate children. I have also seen and read quite a bit about a shelter in Utah or Idaho (Best Friends is the name). They had a Nat. Geographic show for some time. IT was quite cute. They would take animals of all kinds from all over the country and work to rehabilitate them using only positive methods. I won't say it is easy, or fast, but it can work. They took in some of Michael Vick's ruined dogs and helped them. I think one of the dogs was even trained for search and rescue, though I don't know if they actually use her for that. It was incredible to watch. Techniques like these might help.
And of course she will use the system, and her fragility to get a few extras. That is human nature. Anyone would. NOT to take advantage of you, simply because at this point, a little pampering won't hurt her. It should taper off, and she should become more able and more eager to embrace life over the coming weeks and months as her treatment progresses. But it takes time. None of this is fast. She does need stability and consistency, so changing all the rules just for her isn't the best thing.
Speaking of fast, I don't know if you know this yet. The medications for depression take time to work. The DNA test will point out medications more likely to work, but there is still trial and error. It takes about six weeks at a therapeutic dose to know how the medication will work. It can take a month or more to get to that dose. The best medication advice is to start low and go slow. Start with the lowest dose you can and increase as slowly as possible. NOT to draw out her pain, but to minimize chances for problems. Also, no matter how often they tell you it is 'fine' or 'perfectly safe' or 'no big deal', do your best to NOT start 2 or more medications at one time, or to change 2 at a time. You simply cannot tell what is doing what if you you make more than one change at a time. It is such a logical thing, but I have seen so many doctors either brush it off or be totally confused by being asked how you tell which change is causing a problem if there is one after you change 2 or more things at one time?
I am sorry for writing a book, but I am kinda well known around here for that. If I haven't mentioned a Parent Report, it will be my last thing tonight. It will be an invaluable tool for you and your wife. The link in my signature will take you to the explanation. IT is a report that you write about your daughter. YOu share it where you feel appropriate with her doctors, etc... It lets you keep ALL the info at your fingertips and you can answer ANY questions immediately and without a problem. You can keep a new doctor from trying to reinvent the wheel by showing where previous docs have already tried this and it had this result, so this would be a much better thing to try. I felt it was the most powerful weapon I had in my fight to help my son.
