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Disowning adult children - when is enough enough ?? any thoughts ?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 578987" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>He is NOT guaranteed release after his ten years. He is ELIGIBLE for parole after ten years. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE distinction. What that means is that if he goes in, does everything just right, is not a problem inmate, he can petition for release after ten years. The parole board will have a hearing where he can speak his part, the victims and their families can speak, and his family can speak. If, in ten years, you wish to speak and tell the board you feel he is still a danger, and the children he has hurt also say this, the odds of the parole board letting him out are not good. Where I live, it is really, really hard to get parole for some things. Not for others, but for any type of sexual assault, any type of harm to a child, any type of murder? You can ask, but don't pack your stuff because unless something really wild happens, well, you are not going anywhere for the first few hearings if in fact you ever get released. </p><p></p><p>If you think he will be released, speak up. Encourage the family he hurt, and if they are old enough, the kids he hurt, including yours, to stand up,say that he has no remorse, has done this for a very long time, and he will not ever stop if he is released. At that point, if they release him? Go to the press, start a facebook page and a youtube video (or whatever we have then). I have a feeling something like this could go viral fast. It would mean that the public puts a LOT of pressure on the state to keep him inside where he cannot hurt a child again.</p><p></p><p>There is no treatment that works for those who sexually abuse kids or actually those who sexually abuse other people regardless of age or gender of the victims. The ONLY time a predator MIGHT be rehabilitated if they were young (teens ish) and drug use resulted in very messed up reading of signals. It is something that I think could happen to some of our Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and/or spectrum kids. Rehab and social skills training MIGHT offer hope for a safe future with someone like this in the public. My stepmil and father in law work doing a very effective therapy in the prisons. They teach lifers, the murderers and habitual felons and really hard-core prisoners how to understand what led to where they are, and what they can do about it. The people they work with go on to provide therapy for other prisoners. She told me once that they won't even CONSIDER someone with a sexual crime for the program outside very specific criteria along the lines that I mentioned. She said it isn't worth the effort because they are so skilled at reading and manipulating that giving them this training would just make them more dangerous. This isn't a local program, she has taught this around the globe, in almost a hundred countries, and had great success in each place. So I trust what she says when it comes to this. </p><p></p><p>You are NOT powerless, and the fact that you love him isn't something to be ashamed of. Part of you always will, even as you hate all the devastation he has created. It would be very helpful to work with a therapist for a while, because this is a LOT to handle. I would stay far away from the online support forums for people wiith loved ones in prison. You do NOT want to go there. I have at one time, and was shocked at what people said to excuse some very heinous crimes and to try to get more stuff/money/whatever for the inmate they cared about. not all, but many there were just off. I do not think you will find any support there, and you may find some people wplling to say and do things to guilt you into whatever their goal is. </p><p></p><p>The people who villfy you or are upset with you for cutting all ties to him, well, they are poor deluded souls who don't have a clue. So many in the world think they can handle or fix our difficult children and they don't have any clue what our difficult children are like. They see dimples or a shy smile or a sad face and think the child just doesn't have enough positive influences and by provdin sunshine and love and rainbows and puppies, well, it will all be all right. Our difficult children see them, immediately know they are easy prey, and take full advantage. Ignore them, and listen to your instincts. They are right, and they are right every time. So there will be those who say you are wrong to cut difficult child out of your life, and if they have the audacity to tell you this? Tell them that they are welcome to step in and visit and give money to him and do what they want, but you won't discuss this with them. Then point out some flaw with them, or their kids, and tell them how to fix it. Usually they will walk away fast. They may go and 'help' him, but they will eventually see through him. If he takes advantage, that is on hm, not you.</p><p></p><p>No matter what, hold your head high, work wth a therapist versed in the problems caused by incest, pedophiles and family violence, and don't take advice for how you should behave toward your difficult child from those who truly have no idea what they are talking about. When the time comes, if you are able and it is the right thing for you and your family, go to the parole board and speak your mind about paroling him after just ten years. If you are not able to go through that when the time comes, that is okay too. You must do what is right for yourself and your family. He made his choices long ago. </p><p></p><p>You may want to connect with a national incest survivor group and/or pedophile survivor group to find a truly qualified therapist to help your family through this. I would think an unskilled therapist would possbly cause a lot of harm. </p><p></p><p>It takes a LOT to push a mom to this point. There was NOTHING you could do about this that you didn't do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 578987, member: 1233"] He is NOT guaranteed release after his ten years. He is ELIGIBLE for parole after ten years. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE distinction. What that means is that if he goes in, does everything just right, is not a problem inmate, he can petition for release after ten years. The parole board will have a hearing where he can speak his part, the victims and their families can speak, and his family can speak. If, in ten years, you wish to speak and tell the board you feel he is still a danger, and the children he has hurt also say this, the odds of the parole board letting him out are not good. Where I live, it is really, really hard to get parole for some things. Not for others, but for any type of sexual assault, any type of harm to a child, any type of murder? You can ask, but don't pack your stuff because unless something really wild happens, well, you are not going anywhere for the first few hearings if in fact you ever get released. If you think he will be released, speak up. Encourage the family he hurt, and if they are old enough, the kids he hurt, including yours, to stand up,say that he has no remorse, has done this for a very long time, and he will not ever stop if he is released. At that point, if they release him? Go to the press, start a facebook page and a youtube video (or whatever we have then). I have a feeling something like this could go viral fast. It would mean that the public puts a LOT of pressure on the state to keep him inside where he cannot hurt a child again. There is no treatment that works for those who sexually abuse kids or actually those who sexually abuse other people regardless of age or gender of the victims. The ONLY time a predator MIGHT be rehabilitated if they were young (teens ish) and drug use resulted in very messed up reading of signals. It is something that I think could happen to some of our Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and/or spectrum kids. Rehab and social skills training MIGHT offer hope for a safe future with someone like this in the public. My stepmil and father in law work doing a very effective therapy in the prisons. They teach lifers, the murderers and habitual felons and really hard-core prisoners how to understand what led to where they are, and what they can do about it. The people they work with go on to provide therapy for other prisoners. She told me once that they won't even CONSIDER someone with a sexual crime for the program outside very specific criteria along the lines that I mentioned. She said it isn't worth the effort because they are so skilled at reading and manipulating that giving them this training would just make them more dangerous. This isn't a local program, she has taught this around the globe, in almost a hundred countries, and had great success in each place. So I trust what she says when it comes to this. You are NOT powerless, and the fact that you love him isn't something to be ashamed of. Part of you always will, even as you hate all the devastation he has created. It would be very helpful to work with a therapist for a while, because this is a LOT to handle. I would stay far away from the online support forums for people wiith loved ones in prison. You do NOT want to go there. I have at one time, and was shocked at what people said to excuse some very heinous crimes and to try to get more stuff/money/whatever for the inmate they cared about. not all, but many there were just off. I do not think you will find any support there, and you may find some people wplling to say and do things to guilt you into whatever their goal is. The people who villfy you or are upset with you for cutting all ties to him, well, they are poor deluded souls who don't have a clue. So many in the world think they can handle or fix our difficult children and they don't have any clue what our difficult children are like. They see dimples or a shy smile or a sad face and think the child just doesn't have enough positive influences and by provdin sunshine and love and rainbows and puppies, well, it will all be all right. Our difficult children see them, immediately know they are easy prey, and take full advantage. Ignore them, and listen to your instincts. They are right, and they are right every time. So there will be those who say you are wrong to cut difficult child out of your life, and if they have the audacity to tell you this? Tell them that they are welcome to step in and visit and give money to him and do what they want, but you won't discuss this with them. Then point out some flaw with them, or their kids, and tell them how to fix it. Usually they will walk away fast. They may go and 'help' him, but they will eventually see through him. If he takes advantage, that is on hm, not you. No matter what, hold your head high, work wth a therapist versed in the problems caused by incest, pedophiles and family violence, and don't take advice for how you should behave toward your difficult child from those who truly have no idea what they are talking about. When the time comes, if you are able and it is the right thing for you and your family, go to the parole board and speak your mind about paroling him after just ten years. If you are not able to go through that when the time comes, that is okay too. You must do what is right for yourself and your family. He made his choices long ago. You may want to connect with a national incest survivor group and/or pedophile survivor group to find a truly qualified therapist to help your family through this. I would think an unskilled therapist would possbly cause a lot of harm. It takes a LOT to push a mom to this point. There was NOTHING you could do about this that you didn't do. 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Disowning adult children - when is enough enough ?? any thoughts ?
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