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Disowning adult children - when is enough enough ?? any thoughts ?
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 648230" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>Jisduit -- Welcome to this group. Wow. I read and re-read your post. What a saga it can be to endure! But, the thing is, you're right....you don't have to endure it. Or you can set strong, clear and concrete boundaries around how much you WANT to endure (not "HAVE" to endure). Your life matters, too.</p><p></p><p>We have gone in spurts of no contact with our son -- sometimes as little as a month, sometimes as long as 6 months. Currently, he has been out of our lives for nearly 4 months. Occasionally, I miss him and it hurts (it hit the other day). Mostly, the longer I go, the more perspective I gain. I always want the best for him. But, strange as it may seem............sometimes contact is not only not the best for US parents, it may also not be the best for our KIDS. I say that rather neutrally, with no blame. Sometimes oil and water just don't mix in a dynamic. They may or may not change their dynamic. That's their Free Will.</p><p></p><p>But we can change our dynamic. That's our Free Will. Sometimes, when we've tried everything conceivable, the only thing to do is to let go. That changes us. And, ultimately, our interactive dynamic with them. Whether we ever have contact with them again may or may not happen. But it most certainly does change the dynamic.</p><p></p><p>What has felt best for us (my husband and me) is to just let go for whatever length of time feels healthiest for us. Sometimes, that's a looong time.</p><p></p><p>The best thing, though, is that when we do have space from our son, we do feel our own joy and perspective return. We live our lives more joyfully (realistically, though, with safety precautions in place around our son always remaining). And, interestingly, given enough time for our perspective to return, our sense of love for our son returns also (with BIG boundaries around that).</p><p></p><p>Whenever we do see our son again, we choose it to be on OUR terms. </p><p>-- Some place public (away from our home -- restaurant or something, usually)</p><p>-- Short time frame (30-min or, if it's going well, maybe 1 hr)</p><p>-- No gifts/money (except food -- everything else winds up for drugs or the pawn shop for drugs)</p><p></p><p>You have some different considerations around your ADULT child's (and he really is an ADULT.......let's not forget that!) interactions. I really feel for you on all that's happened.</p><p></p><p>But you sound alert, aware and wise around it! All of my best to you for peace, comfort and joy -- you deserve all of those! If you can find a wonderful way to do something just for YOU and YOUR enjoyment and refreshing, do it! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We support you!</p><p></p><p>PS -- Love your screen name! "Jisduit!" <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 648230, member: 18284"] Jisduit -- Welcome to this group. Wow. I read and re-read your post. What a saga it can be to endure! But, the thing is, you're right....you don't have to endure it. Or you can set strong, clear and concrete boundaries around how much you WANT to endure (not "HAVE" to endure). Your life matters, too. We have gone in spurts of no contact with our son -- sometimes as little as a month, sometimes as long as 6 months. Currently, he has been out of our lives for nearly 4 months. Occasionally, I miss him and it hurts (it hit the other day). Mostly, the longer I go, the more perspective I gain. I always want the best for him. But, strange as it may seem............sometimes contact is not only not the best for US parents, it may also not be the best for our KIDS. I say that rather neutrally, with no blame. Sometimes oil and water just don't mix in a dynamic. They may or may not change their dynamic. That's their Free Will. But we can change our dynamic. That's our Free Will. Sometimes, when we've tried everything conceivable, the only thing to do is to let go. That changes us. And, ultimately, our interactive dynamic with them. Whether we ever have contact with them again may or may not happen. But it most certainly does change the dynamic. What has felt best for us (my husband and me) is to just let go for whatever length of time feels healthiest for us. Sometimes, that's a looong time. The best thing, though, is that when we do have space from our son, we do feel our own joy and perspective return. We live our lives more joyfully (realistically, though, with safety precautions in place around our son always remaining). And, interestingly, given enough time for our perspective to return, our sense of love for our son returns also (with BIG boundaries around that). Whenever we do see our son again, we choose it to be on OUR terms. -- Some place public (away from our home -- restaurant or something, usually) -- Short time frame (30-min or, if it's going well, maybe 1 hr) -- No gifts/money (except food -- everything else winds up for drugs or the pawn shop for drugs) You have some different considerations around your ADULT child's (and he really is an ADULT.......let's not forget that!) interactions. I really feel for you on all that's happened. But you sound alert, aware and wise around it! All of my best to you for peace, comfort and joy -- you deserve all of those! If you can find a wonderful way to do something just for YOU and YOUR enjoyment and refreshing, do it! :) We support you! PS -- Love your screen name! "Jisduit!" :D [/QUOTE]
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Disowning adult children - when is enough enough ?? any thoughts ?
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