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Do others feel this way with other children too?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752950" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Good morning JP. When I began here on this forum, and for a long time after, I had a problem with this concept, leaving the rest.</p><p></p><p>I felt that it gave cover for some posters to write whatever they wanted, a lot of it hurtful and judgmental and sometimes thoughtless, and not take responsibility to do better.</p><p></p><p>But the reality is that I did not take responsibility for my own lack of adequate boundaries, and I did not see that I was lacking something critical which was the ability to let things be. Is this detachment?</p><p></p><p>That all kinds of strands of thought, feelings, ways of being, attitudes existed simultaneously and they did not have to be responded to, molded, rejected, or even named. They could just be there. Because they always were. That I did not have to take them in like a sponge. I did not have to make them right or wrong. I did not have to make them about me.</p><p></p><p>I did not have to take responsibility. To fix anything. To straighten anything else. And I did not have to defend myself.</p><p></p><p>The underlying dynamic at work here was: It was not my fault. That at the extreme somebody could be a bully or out of control, and I was not responsible to take the fire, or to stop them, or to pick up the slack.</p><p></p><p>And that I was not automatically the target if there was ill will, or blaming. That I had the ability to let it be, too. Unless I chose to be, I was not a target. I was not the guilty party. Nobody here really knew me. I didn't have to raise my hand.</p><p></p><p>But it is still very hard. Because what shows up here if we stay long enough is us. And other people show up too.</p><p></p><p>So. Now I see this biproduct of the forum as one of the greatest gifts. Because what can show up is the space between the words. The feelings and weak parts that I didn't necessarily want to speak, write, see or experience. And I think this is so for many of us here.</p><p></p><p>As I write this I feel shame and fear, because I expose myself to mocking, derision, impatience, and even attack, by self-exposure. I see this often online. When women especially (authors, bloggers, etc.) are ridiculed for self-disclosure. And I see it in the me too movement. What these people have in common is that they wanted something greatly * even to be, to have a voice, and they were exposed to hurt.</p><p></p><p>I want to be somebody who can be open. And yet I fear very much what can happen. That's why<em> take what you want and leave the rest</em> has been so hard for me. Because I (still) am operating as if I do not have the resources or power to stop somebody from hurting me, if they want to.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I the title of an article in one of the papers caught my eye about Rose McGowan and the me too movement. I didn't read it. But it was something like,<em> I don't care. I'm going to speak my truth. No matter what happens.</em> I was afraid to read it. This amalgam of courage and vulnerability. There was shame.</p><p></p><p>So this is where they would be growth. Just like here on this thread.</p><p></p><p>There is another thread going on now that has an unintended discussion about religion and spirituality--and the question of what is appropriate and acceptable. And some of us came to the belief that the best course was openness. That the greater risk was bullying. The need to have one voice, only one narrative.</p><p></p><p>And when I thought about it, that was why I must have so much trouble with "<em>take what you like</em>." Not because I can't tolerate others having their thoughts and beliefs, but that I had trouble holding onto myself, in the face of criticism or opposition or even a very strong and certain voice.</p><p></p><p>How does one hold onto their self? What does that mean? I am taking a short mini-course and the instructor spoke about how in mystical thought, there is the principle that every one of us is born with one compelling purpose, something to work out for our soul. She put it this way:</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>What is our soul requiring of us before we die? </em></p><p></p><p>To discover who we are and become that person. <em>To become who I was meant to become.</em> <em>To discover who I am and become that person</em>, Is how she put it. She calls this a sacred purpose.</p><p></p><p>We come here to this forum to work out our kids. And we stay here to work out ourselves.</p><p></p><p>It's not so easy for me to think about these things. But I think I've come closer in this post. I think for me, it has something to do with self-expression, openness to myself others <u>and being safe</u>. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>I want to thank you very much for this opportunity to think this through on this thread.</p><p></p><p>PS Blindsided has a quote in her signature I want to acknowledge. “Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret."</p><p>― Shannon L. Alder, Author</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752950, member: 18958"] Good morning JP. When I began here on this forum, and for a long time after, I had a problem with this concept, leaving the rest. I felt that it gave cover for some posters to write whatever they wanted, a lot of it hurtful and judgmental and sometimes thoughtless, and not take responsibility to do better. But the reality is that I did not take responsibility for my own lack of adequate boundaries, and I did not see that I was lacking something critical which was the ability to let things be. Is this detachment? That all kinds of strands of thought, feelings, ways of being, attitudes existed simultaneously and they did not have to be responded to, molded, rejected, or even named. They could just be there. Because they always were. That I did not have to take them in like a sponge. I did not have to make them right or wrong. I did not have to make them about me. I did not have to take responsibility. To fix anything. To straighten anything else. And I did not have to defend myself. The underlying dynamic at work here was: It was not my fault. That at the extreme somebody could be a bully or out of control, and I was not responsible to take the fire, or to stop them, or to pick up the slack. And that I was not automatically the target if there was ill will, or blaming. That I had the ability to let it be, too. Unless I chose to be, I was not a target. I was not the guilty party. Nobody here really knew me. I didn't have to raise my hand. But it is still very hard. Because what shows up here if we stay long enough is us. And other people show up too. So. Now I see this biproduct of the forum as one of the greatest gifts. Because what can show up is the space between the words. The feelings and weak parts that I didn't necessarily want to speak, write, see or experience. And I think this is so for many of us here. As I write this I feel shame and fear, because I expose myself to mocking, derision, impatience, and even attack, by self-exposure. I see this often online. When women especially (authors, bloggers, etc.) are ridiculed for self-disclosure. And I see it in the me too movement. What these people have in common is that they wanted something greatly * even to be, to have a voice, and they were exposed to hurt. I want to be somebody who can be open. And yet I fear very much what can happen. That's why[I] take what you want and leave the rest[/I] has been so hard for me. Because I (still) am operating as if I do not have the resources or power to stop somebody from hurting me, if they want to. Yesterday I the title of an article in one of the papers caught my eye about Rose McGowan and the me too movement. I didn't read it. But it was something like,[I] I don't care. I'm going to speak my truth. No matter what happens.[/I] I was afraid to read it. This amalgam of courage and vulnerability. There was shame. So this is where they would be growth. Just like here on this thread. There is another thread going on now that has an unintended discussion about religion and spirituality--and the question of what is appropriate and acceptable. And some of us came to the belief that the best course was openness. That the greater risk was bullying. The need to have one voice, only one narrative. And when I thought about it, that was why I must have so much trouble with "[I]take what you like[/I]." Not because I can't tolerate others having their thoughts and beliefs, but that I had trouble holding onto myself, in the face of criticism or opposition or even a very strong and certain voice. How does one hold onto their self? What does that mean? I am taking a short mini-course and the instructor spoke about how in mystical thought, there is the principle that every one of us is born with one compelling purpose, something to work out for our soul. She put it this way: [I] What is our soul requiring of us before we die? [/I] To discover who we are and become that person. [I]To become who I was meant to become.[/I] [I]To discover who I am and become that person[/I], Is how she put it. She calls this a sacred purpose. We come here to this forum to work out our kids. And we stay here to work out ourselves. It's not so easy for me to think about these things. But I think I've come closer in this post. I think for me, it has something to do with self-expression, openness to myself others [U]and being safe[/U]. Thank you. I want to thank you very much for this opportunity to think this through on this thread. PS Blindsided has a quote in her signature I want to acknowledge. “Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret." ― Shannon L. Alder, Author [/QUOTE]
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