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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 37341" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>I have a problem with being open about difficult child, unless I trust the person I am telling beyond a shadow of a doubt.</p><p></p><p>Even then, I always deeply regret having said anything, and I will tell you why.</p><p></p><p>Would you, twenty years later (or whenever our difficult children finally get it together ~ if they ever do) want anyone you had not told about your past yourself to know how it was for you, way back then?</p><p></p><p>How many people should know what is a personal trauma and a tragedy, not just for us, but for our children and their siblings, for the rest of their lives?</p><p></p><p>Ellie Wiesel said, about having survived the individual, day to day and minute to minute horror of the Holocaust, something I have never forgotten. The gist of it was that talking about what happened "could only profane its sacred horror".</p><p></p><p>And that is what I think has happened to us, too.</p><p></p><p>And maybe I am being a drama queen, but I don't care.</p><p></p><p>That's what it feels like, exactly.</p><p> </p><p>(And maybe our pain will turn out to be a drop in the bucket compared to the pain and horror our difficult child's will feel, once they realize they have destroyed, not only their own futures, but the trust, forever, of their parents and siblings).</p><p></p><p>*****************</p><p></p><p>I know just how you feel about family dinners, hearthope. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. You are right. It is a devastation, and it ruins the holiday, the dinner, and the weeks before and after the event. Shopping or cleaning for the dinner are not the same, because remembrances of happier times make this holiday, and the next and the next, markers for grief.</p><p></p><p>So, this is how I handled that one, and I am better, now.</p><p></p><p>I set a place for difficult child in my bedroom. With the napkin, and silver and glassware and placemat. (I tried the empty place at the table one year? And it nearly broke my heart.) </p><p></p><p>I thnk it helps me believe (or pretend ~ beggars cannot be choosers) that difficult child will be fine ~ that one day, he will be there at the table again with his manners and his personality intact.</p><p></p><p>No one else knows (except husband ~ and on some level, that placesetting in the bedroom comforts him, too). </p><p></p><p>I think this helps me because, while I need to portray an almost casual certainty that, while difficult child is not here this year, he is going to be fine (when I know darn well he is so far from fine it makes me want to vomit). But somehow, that placesetting has helped me do my grieving in private. </p><p></p><p>By the time the rest of the family arrives, I know what my hopes are, what the reality is, and exactly how much I intend to tell anyone who asks.</p><p></p><p>And I do not bring it up, except to say that I wish difficult child could have been with us this year.</p><p></p><p>If there are questions at that time, I answer them as I had planned to.</p><p></p><p>Because part of the pain and confusion we feel have as much to do with protecting the family as with that feeling of shameful exposure before the family.</p><p></p><p>This has worked for me, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>Ignoring our own pain is not going to help anyone. Dealing with it in private first seems to.</p><p></p><p>If we can see how we need to be, if we can understand that we really don't want to spend this hoiday too in a place that makes looking back on it without a sense of horror or impending doom impossible, then we have to do our own grieving in private, first.</p><p></p><p>I always tell husband about my feeings, like I am the weak one? (And I probably am.) But husband's so seldom talk about their feelings. I have seen my husband explode into anger and then, tears at the most inappropriate times, should another family member probe too deeply about difficult child.</p><p></p><p>husband's need an opportunity to vent, and to choose their best self, their best set of responses, too.</p><p></p><p>If I had not devised these kinds of strategies?</p><p></p><p>I would still be stopped dead in my tracks.</p><p></p><p>Other women seem so much stronger than I am. I know it should be easy for me to call a spade a spade or whatever and just go on.</p><p></p><p>I literally cannot.</p><p></p><p>But I am so much better.</p><p></p><p>Some things have helped me so much more than therapy or exercise or creating another facet of self or any of the other things I have done to survive what happened to us.</p><p></p><p>But the most important thing, I think, is to take our pain seriously so that we can address it honestly.</p><p></p><p>However foolish it may seem to someone else, pain is pain.</p><p></p><p>Honor it, but honor yourself enough too, to work your way back into joy.</p><p></p><p>Did I lose my chain of thought again, this morning?!?</p><p></p><p> :blush:</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p></p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 37341, member: 3353"] I have a problem with being open about difficult child, unless I trust the person I am telling beyond a shadow of a doubt. Even then, I always deeply regret having said anything, and I will tell you why. Would you, twenty years later (or whenever our difficult children finally get it together ~ if they ever do) want anyone you had not told about your past yourself to know how it was for you, way back then? How many people should know what is a personal trauma and a tragedy, not just for us, but for our children and their siblings, for the rest of their lives? Ellie Wiesel said, about having survived the individual, day to day and minute to minute horror of the Holocaust, something I have never forgotten. The gist of it was that talking about what happened "could only profane its sacred horror". And that is what I think has happened to us, too. And maybe I am being a drama queen, but I don't care. That's what it feels like, exactly. (And maybe our pain will turn out to be a drop in the bucket compared to the pain and horror our difficult child's will feel, once they realize they have destroyed, not only their own futures, but the trust, forever, of their parents and siblings). ***************** I know just how you feel about family dinners, hearthope. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. You are right. It is a devastation, and it ruins the holiday, the dinner, and the weeks before and after the event. Shopping or cleaning for the dinner are not the same, because remembrances of happier times make this holiday, and the next and the next, markers for grief. So, this is how I handled that one, and I am better, now. I set a place for difficult child in my bedroom. With the napkin, and silver and glassware and placemat. (I tried the empty place at the table one year? And it nearly broke my heart.) I thnk it helps me believe (or pretend ~ beggars cannot be choosers) that difficult child will be fine ~ that one day, he will be there at the table again with his manners and his personality intact. No one else knows (except husband ~ and on some level, that placesetting in the bedroom comforts him, too). I think this helps me because, while I need to portray an almost casual certainty that, while difficult child is not here this year, he is going to be fine (when I know darn well he is so far from fine it makes me want to vomit). But somehow, that placesetting has helped me do my grieving in private. By the time the rest of the family arrives, I know what my hopes are, what the reality is, and exactly how much I intend to tell anyone who asks. And I do not bring it up, except to say that I wish difficult child could have been with us this year. If there are questions at that time, I answer them as I had planned to. Because part of the pain and confusion we feel have as much to do with protecting the family as with that feeling of shameful exposure before the family. This has worked for me, hearthope. Ignoring our own pain is not going to help anyone. Dealing with it in private first seems to. If we can see how we need to be, if we can understand that we really don't want to spend this hoiday too in a place that makes looking back on it without a sense of horror or impending doom impossible, then we have to do our own grieving in private, first. I always tell husband about my feeings, like I am the weak one? (And I probably am.) But husband's so seldom talk about their feelings. I have seen my husband explode into anger and then, tears at the most inappropriate times, should another family member probe too deeply about difficult child. husband's need an opportunity to vent, and to choose their best self, their best set of responses, too. If I had not devised these kinds of strategies? I would still be stopped dead in my tracks. Other women seem so much stronger than I am. I know it should be easy for me to call a spade a spade or whatever and just go on. I literally cannot. But I am so much better. Some things have helped me so much more than therapy or exercise or creating another facet of self or any of the other things I have done to survive what happened to us. But the most important thing, I think, is to take our pain seriously so that we can address it honestly. However foolish it may seem to someone else, pain is pain. Honor it, but honor yourself enough too, to work your way back into joy. Did I lose my chain of thought again, this morning?!? [img]:blush:[/img] Barbara . [/QUOTE]
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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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