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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 37519" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body"></p><p></p><p>Do we make ourselves hold on to the pain because to let go and move on would mean defeat and failure?</p><p></p><p>Do we want so badly for our children to be okay, that we are unwilling ourselves to experience joy because we know that they are not? </p><p></p><p>Do we ask ourselves What kind of mother could possibly be happy when her child is in such shape?</p><p></p><p>It is almost as though we were addicts ourselves. This must be what it feels like to crave a drug. No matter how hard we try to move past it, there it is surfacing. Constantly on our minds, no matter how hard we try to fight it.</p><p></p><p>I am thankful to be able to be open and honest here, without the concern of judgement.</p><p></p><p>If you came into my shop, I would greet you and pick up the conversation were we left off the last time you came in. Smiling and laughing the whole time, you would think I had no worries.</p><p></p><p>If I ran into you some where else, I would smile and talk with you ~ but I would always be in a hurray to go ~ I couldn't take the time to get into a deep conversation, you may ask me about difficult child and I might be a place in my struggle that I couldn't hide the pain from showing.</p><p></p><p>It helps ease the pain to openly talk here about it. Everything is not painful all the time, I don't want to leave the wrong impression. </p><p></p><p>I will just say that even when the sun is shining so bright outside, there is always a little cloud </div></div></p><p></p><p>***********************************************</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes to all those things, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>But it does get better.</p><p></p><p>I think the pain is real. The loss is real. It has to do with watching the little boy grow into the adolescent whose potential you could so clearly see, and envisioning the young man who would stand there in front of you in just a few more short years. </p><p></p><p>That other son, the one I saw so clearly for awhile there, is gone.</p><p></p><p>Just gone.</p><p></p><p>So, for you and for me and for all of us here, the pain is real.</p><p></p><p>Because we saw our child, grown ~ and until we see him (or her) as we envisioned them to be, I don't think we CAN let it go.</p><p></p><p>It feels like I lost him. </p><p></p><p>And I am always looking to see if he's in there.</p><p></p><p>Now that I am on the other side of it a little bit, I understand that we do come to terms with our understanding of our children's changed situations. </p><p></p><p>But here is the thing.</p><p></p><p>Our dreams for them die hard.</p><p></p><p>Our responsibilities TO them die even harder.</p><p></p><p>Those are our children. Anymore than we stopped mothering them when they were physically sick, we cannot just turn off those feelings, now.</p><p></p><p>Nor should we.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn how to love them through it.</p><p></p><p>Part of that, at least for me, seems to be pretending things aren't as bad as they are.</p><p></p><p>So I am hurt and shocked whenever I am confronted with the "this is how bad it is" part.</p><p></p><p>But that doesn't change what I need to do.</p><p></p><p>I remember. I am his mother, and I remember there is so much more to him than what I see, now.</p><p></p><p>I KNOW he can do it, and I resent that he hasn't.</p><p></p><p>So it's all confused.</p><p></p><p>And you are exactly right, about becoming caricatures of ourselves, in our grief.</p><p></p><p>But you will come through this part too, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>Maybe better than me.</p><p></p><p>I certainly do seem to be stuck in the "I can't believe this is happening" department!</p><p></p><p>But that's okay.</p><p></p><p>I'm getting better.</p><p></p><p>And it's true, what you said and what TM said.</p><p></p><p>We have one another, and we can be honest about what this all feels like, and we can take that strength out into our other lives, and go on.</p><p></p><p>When I first came here, and the pain was still so intense, I always wanted someone to tell me how long this would last. </p><p></p><p>How long would the pain be so intense.</p><p></p><p>I think I have been here three years?</p><p></p><p>And by the end of the first year, I was so much better.</p><p></p><p>You will get through it too, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p></p><p>.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 37519, member: 3353"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Do we make ourselves hold on to the pain because to let go and move on would mean defeat and failure? Do we want so badly for our children to be okay, that we are unwilling ourselves to experience joy because we know that they are not? Do we ask ourselves What kind of mother could possibly be happy when her child is in such shape? It is almost as though we were addicts ourselves. This must be what it feels like to crave a drug. No matter how hard we try to move past it, there it is surfacing. Constantly on our minds, no matter how hard we try to fight it. I am thankful to be able to be open and honest here, without the concern of judgement. If you came into my shop, I would greet you and pick up the conversation were we left off the last time you came in. Smiling and laughing the whole time, you would think I had no worries. If I ran into you some where else, I would smile and talk with you ~ but I would always be in a hurray to go ~ I couldn't take the time to get into a deep conversation, you may ask me about difficult child and I might be a place in my struggle that I couldn't hide the pain from showing. It helps ease the pain to openly talk here about it. Everything is not painful all the time, I don't want to leave the wrong impression. I will just say that even when the sun is shining so bright outside, there is always a little cloud </div></div> *********************************************** Yes to all those things, hearthope. But it does get better. I think the pain is real. The loss is real. It has to do with watching the little boy grow into the adolescent whose potential you could so clearly see, and envisioning the young man who would stand there in front of you in just a few more short years. That other son, the one I saw so clearly for awhile there, is gone. Just gone. So, for you and for me and for all of us here, the pain is real. Because we saw our child, grown ~ and until we see him (or her) as we envisioned them to be, I don't think we CAN let it go. It feels like I lost him. And I am always looking to see if he's in there. Now that I am on the other side of it a little bit, I understand that we do come to terms with our understanding of our children's changed situations. But here is the thing. Our dreams for them die hard. Our responsibilities TO them die even harder. Those are our children. Anymore than we stopped mothering them when they were physically sick, we cannot just turn off those feelings, now. Nor should we. We need to learn how to love them through it. Part of that, at least for me, seems to be pretending things aren't as bad as they are. So I am hurt and shocked whenever I am confronted with the "this is how bad it is" part. But that doesn't change what I need to do. I remember. I am his mother, and I remember there is so much more to him than what I see, now. I KNOW he can do it, and I resent that he hasn't. So it's all confused. And you are exactly right, about becoming caricatures of ourselves, in our grief. But you will come through this part too, hearthope. Maybe better than me. I certainly do seem to be stuck in the "I can't believe this is happening" department! But that's okay. I'm getting better. And it's true, what you said and what TM said. We have one another, and we can be honest about what this all feels like, and we can take that strength out into our other lives, and go on. When I first came here, and the pain was still so intense, I always wanted someone to tell me how long this would last. How long would the pain be so intense. I think I have been here three years? And by the end of the first year, I was so much better. You will get through it too, hearthope. Barbara . [/QUOTE]
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